You know I almost posted again before I read Diogenes post#111. Thank You, Diogenes! You made me go back and read over what had already been posted.
starfishfillet, you live in Chicago, right? Tell me, how long of a drive is it to go fishing on **long island sound ** ??? :dubious: (For those who don’t want to Google, the Sound is a place were the wealthy do, in fact, dock luxury yachts, but its located between NY and Connecticut.) Do you both fly there? Whats a good carrier that you can recommend? What airport do you prefer? (I hear NWK is nice) Or is there a Gulfstream jet we haven’t been told about? :rolleyes:
On the off-chance this isn’t a whoosh/hoax, I’ll just say the following:
Any chance that your ‘stalker’ is really ‘Miss Barbie-toy 2004’ who found she could never get a job in ‘the industry’ because Mr Wonderful told all of his important friends/golf buddies how she was just a bimbo he was banging on the side for fun and not someone they should ever consider taking seriously or hiring? And if he said that to them about her, would you like to guess what he’s saying to them about you…?
Even if he could get you a job, I’d imagine it would be hard to do any work effectively or showcase your skills, what with everyone in the office smirking at the mention of your name. You wouldn’t even have to change the ringtone on your phone to ‘Chicka-bow-wow Chicka-bow-wow’.
Still, I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m sure one of this wonderful man’s assistants is pouring over 2005 yearbooks looking for his next ‘protoge’ as we speak…
Starfishfillet, I’m guessing you’re holding on because you’re hoping things will get better; he’ll dump the other girl and make a committment to you and he’ll start actually being the kind of person he’s been pretending to be to impress you.
The unfortunate truth is that that’s virtually never going to happen; he is the person that he is and what he’s doing is working for him. He’s not going to change because you wish he was different. All that’s going to happen in the future is you’re going to get more invested in him emotionally and you’re going to be more hurt when you two split up.
Hey, it took me 4 years to get the job in my field that I wanted, sans sugar daddy. I wasn’t unemployed that whole time, but I did hate my job and was miserable, with no end in sight. When one is unemployed, or unhappily employed, for a while, despair does set in. This guy, bastard that he otherwise is, is offering her a way out. I’m sure it seems very enticing.
She didn’t say she got fired. She said she lost her job. If she’s on unemployment, then she really CAN’T take a job at Starbuck’s or Kinko’s without a severe plummet in her income. Ever been on unemployment? Do you know how it works? You look for jobs in your field, and you wait until you find one. You don’t know what starfishfillet’s situation is, but you are very free with your judgements.
I’m pretty sure it’s very difficult to live alone in Chicago and pay your bills and your Ivy League student loan payments when your sole income is working at Starbuck’s. I don’t know that she gets unemployment, but if she does, then it does not behoove her to work in any industry other than the one she’s trained to do. But the waiting and the rejection can be murderous when looking for a job right out of college. Have some compassion.
But I am curious about the Long Island Sound comment… How often does he take you to NY?
starfishfillet, can’t you break up with him nicely and “still be friends” with him? I mean, he supposedly stays “platonic” friends with his exes, so why can’t you become one of them? Then YOU could have your cake and eat it too. Tell him you can no longer be in a romantic relationship with him because of your insecurities (which is what he’d want to hear), but you value his friendship and help, and he’s such a good guy to continue providing his support to you in this time of need. What else could he say but OK to that?
So, when I was 23 or 24 and was having trouble finding women my age to date, might it have been because 40 year old dudes were taking them out of the loop in pairs? :dubious: :eek:
Also, I’m 43; shouldn’t I have a 23 year old or two on a stringer in the live well somewhere? :smack:
This thread has many answers, but even more questions…
PS- If my prior blunt posts have made the OP angry, to an extent, they were intended to. I hope she uses that anger to take a good long look at who she is now vs who she used to be before she met this ‘wonderful man’. I hope that anger leads to her making a commitment to cut her losses and to regain her self-respect.
I do not live in chicago! I never said I live in chicago! I mention long island, I mention wall st, I live in NY! We don’t fly anywhere, he drives me over, when we go, and he does not have a luxury yacht, but a motorboat with a broken sun umbrella and seats that fold down into chaises and fish guts all over the rear end.
The stalker could have easily found me from my online blog. She’s hacked into my email, his email, the other girls’ email. I’ve been trying to get the police to do something. Her only goal is not to cause mayhem, or supply information, but to cause us to break up. She sends me emails with plausible lies and, when I ask him, he gets pissed I believed her. She also emails him with lies like that I’m secretly screwing my roommate. That’s the deal with that.
As for what I want from you, I believe I was asked a question as to what I plan to do about the man, and I responded that I’m not sure on a number of factors, and I’ve since been trying to clarify my position because I was immediately jumped upon for trading sex for employment as soon as I typed the last word- as if no one has ever tried to network for job connections through personal connections! Ridiculous.
As for the OP, I thought I’d get some thoughts about men using weird methods to juggle dating more than one girl. Those thoughts were helpful. The questions about my character are not. He is not “supporting me”. I am temping but temp work is spotty. He is not a sugar daddy. He buys me meals when I see him but the most important thing he does is keep me company on my days of unemployment and encouage me to keep looking for work while I am feeling down and out! It’s not as if the man is satan, he does provide me a lot of emotional support and I’d be gone already if he treated me like crap whenever I saw him! This other-girl thing is shady and on the borderline level where he’s trying to convince me that he’s doing nothing wrong but I’m still feeling iffy about it. That’s why I posted.
Thanks to everyone in this thread who asked me clarifying questions about my situation instead of making rude assumptions, like that he’s a sugar daddy, supports me financially, and I’m only sleeping with him to get a job. Really, guys.
Owning such a boat is not for everyone, as the knowledge required is vast. However, a primer is available for the uninitiated. Let’s crack it open and take a look:
Upon closer inspection, RubyStreak pretty much said the lot of the job thing, except that I have a meager amount of unemployment on the weeks I’m not temping and the temping is just barely paying the rent. I need a real job! And not starbucks-real! If I’m doing excel vba for $23/hr on the temp circuit, no way am I going to make more money working at a coffee shop! Sheesh.
The point is, you came and posted this thread, which made the guy look bad, and then kept posting extra, which made him and you look worse.
Maybe you are just not phrasing it well when you type it out.
Like I said, good luck with him.
I don’t know where the Chicago thing came from. Ooops. NYC, I know about. VERY expensive place to live, and if starfishfillet is getting unemployment and doing temp work, she really cannot do Starbuck’s. That’s how our unemployment system works.
In the end, I’d say, break it off gently and “stay friends” with him if you want to, and continue to derive the benefits you can from his friendship, but being emotionally tied to him when he has been so dishonest is bad for you. Do you need to feel paranoid and angsty about your personal life when you also feel so insecure and vulnerable economically? You’re wasting your time with him and being preoccupied with him is going to prevent you from meeting someone more worthy of you.
So, what happens if you get offered and hired for a job that came through his connections? I mean, you wouldn’t want it to look like you were only with him to get a job, and besides, if you dumped him, you might get fired anyway. Connections can be fickle like that.
There will always be ways to rationalize staying with someone.
And yet thousands of people manage to make it NY without sugar daddies. She admits that she’s only banging the guy for his “industry” connections and then acts shocked that anyone would think that sounded tawdry.
In answer to the OP: mu. The question is unanswerable because I don’t date more than one girl at once. When I say I want a monogamous relationship, I have a monogamous relationship — I say what I mean and I do as I say.
It sounds as if he’s promising you monogamy, but you can’t be sure he’s delivering it. Worse, it sounds like he’s expecting monogamy from you and luring you into assuring him of your exclusivity.
It sounds as if you’re hoping for a job, but it’s been 5 months — and no job. How much longer can you afford to wait? I find it curious that he hasn’t been more helpful in getting you a job. Are you sure he wants you to have independence?
Me, I’d advise you become friends with the other woman. Even become friends with the stalker and see what she has to say. She might possibly be a former member of this guy’s harem and she’s trying to warn you.
Fight sneaky with sneaky. Let Disco Stu know that you plan to move into an apartment together with the Stalker and the Other Girlfriend to share expenses. It would, in theory, get you out from under his thumb — you’d no longer need his support. If there’s truly nothing going on with those two other women, no history, no sleeping around, he won’t care. If he has something to hide, he’ll try to talk you out of it.
You are the one to say you’re sleeping with him to get a job. Unless you can figure out a way to explain how, “I would probably dump him if I didn’t need his contacts right now”* doesn’t work out to the same thing.
But regardless, don’t try and fool yourself into thinking that our warning is only valid if employment is an issue. There was a whole lot of posts to the thread before you even mentioned the employment problem and the warning was the exact same. Don’t think you can drop all of our advice because, “It’s not about employment and I’m not like that.” Well still then, great, you’re not like that and it’s not, but he’s still an ass and you’re still setting yourself up for a lot of hurt.
Actual quote is, “If I had had a job this whole time, I might not have even felt vulnerable enough to put myself in this situation in the first place.”
Starfishfillet, my advice is to spend less time lounging around with your independently wealthy, intelligent, sexy boyfriend and more time trying to get a job. I’ve been married for nearly 20 years now to a man who makes plenty of money, but I still work as there is no substitute for being self-reliant. Having my husband be my only source of income would make me feel beholden and vulnerable and that would spoil the balance of power in our relationship. Healthy relationships are balanced.
Your relationship is not balanced. That is why you are angst-ridden. You are financially and emotionally dependent on a man you can’t trust.
You can do something about it. You can accept that your boyfriend plays the field or you can break up with him. And more importantly, you can focus more on getting a job. Even if you can’t find something in your field, it’s important that you work to support yourself. Bartend at night if you have to. Lounging around having sex isn’t helping your self-esteem. It’s just making you feel more vulnerable. And of course, the longer you wait to get back into the work force, the less confidence you’ll have and the more financially reliant you’ll be on your boyfriend. That is a recipe for disaster.
Really. Break your crush on him. There is no harm in remaining friends, but this guy is not boyfriend material. He’s a casual fuck that you are taking way too seriously. My advice, is, ease out of it. He’s sleeping with someone else, he may not even notice at first that you are “sleepy” “busy” “on your period” “seeing someone else tonight” etc. Try to notice the things he does that are really annoying or gross, to get the stars out of your eyes. Then let him know that you’re going to take some time off, sexually, because “you need time to think” or “are interested in being monogamous”. On that day you will meet the man. I’ll bet he goes one of two ways: either “fuck you too” or a mature response to let you know where he stands on that. I’m betting on “fuck you too.” I’d bet all his money that as soon as you stop putting out, all other activities you enjoyed together will stop too. That’s because he is really only interested in fucking you.
This is not the same as saying, “I’m just screwing him to get a job.” She’s saying, being unemployed, broke, and at loose ends has given this guy lots of openings to weasel into her life and make himself seem indispensible. Her situation has made her vulnerable to him. It’s hard to walk away from someone who takes care of some of your important needs, not the least of which is companionship.
It seems clear to me that starfishfillet really has feelings for this guy, and despite the excellent and indisputable advice she’s gotten here, she is having trouble letting go. She’s afraid of the straits her life is in, and this guy provides distraction and support, aside from his many other glaring (and IMO unforgivable) faults. Have some compassion, guys.
That said, SFF, please let us know what happens in your meeting with the other girlfriend. And do break up with this guy. Nicely, if you have to, in order to maintain his goodwill, if you feel it’s necessary.
How often does he take you to NY?