“Hey, can I get your number, platonically?”
Or just invite him to do something specific that would require telephonic communication and make sure you mention your boyfriend within his hearing at some point.
I think its impossible.
If a girl asks me for my number, especially if I don’t know her very weill, I will think something is up. The only way I could assume that you mean it in a platonic fashion is if I already know that this is where our relationship is. But that doesn’t sound like the dilema that you describe.
Even if you mention before that you have a boyfriend, I would think that you want to cheat on him, or at the very least assume that something is up. Maybe its because men are so conditioned to be the hunter and the girl as the prey.
Put yourself in the opposite situation. Say you meet a guy and he seems nice and suddenly he asks for your number. What guy is going to ask for your number to be friends? I can imagine myself asking for a girl’s number platonicaly but only after I know her and she knows that I am not interested. However, I have asked for many a girl’s number in a non-platonic way after very little chatting. What doest that mean? I guess that I had a good time talking with her and that I’d like to see her soon. But in my mind, making friends doesn’t involve any kind of planning. Getting to know a potential hook-up in a non-platonic way does involve a little planning, but very little. More like… I am going here, where are you going. If she wants to see you enough or if you are you’ll make it happen. If not, then no pressure. But for new friends? The problem is that a platonic girlfriend is a rare thing, and we make those slowly, and only after it is certain that there is no interest there.
This goes back to the old ladder theory. Girls have two ladders. The friend and the “sexual interest” ladder. Guys only have one. That’s part of the problem with relationships, because most single men who are interested in girls are interested in being more than friends.
If it is really important for you to be friends with a guy after just meeting him, then you should tell him upfront that you have a boyfriend or don’t find him your type for a boyfriend. Don’t lead them on, because if you ask for their number they will never assume friendship first. They will assume relationship first, and you may have to let someone down.
Oh man that’s great…
But its so true… Honestly I’ve had very few female friends. I’ve only had them when I have had a girlfriend. If I’m single and she’s single, i can’t really say that there’s any situation that would keep me from trying to have sex with her, if I found her attractive. If I didn’t I woudln’t want to be friends because I would assume that she had some underlying desire to be with me and I wouldn’t want to lead her on. If she had a boyfriend… Hm… I’ve never had that before when I was single, but…I can’t imagine it unless I was really, really attracted intellectualy. She would have to be amazing, but yet unavailable. If she were so amazing I would just want to be with her.
But your best bet is to suggest a non-date reason to get his number. This will be ambigous until you drop the old boyfriend line at some point, at which you will be clear that you just want to be friends. Talk about you SO a lot, while still showing interest. It will turn some guys off. They don’t want to be friends anyway. Its a lot like Chris Rock says. Every guy that has been nice to you since you were a teenager is just offering you some dick. “Would you like a drink? means Would you like some dick?”
I think Giraffe’s suggestion (about trying to set up a “couples” event) is the only thing that has a chance of working. I was going to suggest something similar, but Giraffe put it better.
You might also put it like this: “My SO and a group of friends like to do this and that, would you and your SO (if you have one) like to join us sometime?”
I just don’t see any other way to do it. Making it clear that you just want to include him as one of many friends that you already have is a must.
I’ve had trouble with being harmlessly friendly with guys who automatically assume that I am “after” them. (Shifty eyes and frequent mentions of wives or girlfriends.) I wanted to scream, “I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU LIKE THAT!! YOU LOOK LIKE AN ORANGATUN! THERE IS NO WAY!”
But of course I didn’t do that. But it’s going to happen (as you well know) unless you make it really clear without being insulting, and I think Giraffe has pretty much the only solution so far.
I’ve always found exchanging business cards, or in my case, a personalised ‘contact details’ card, to be the most non-threatening, non-sexual way to insure further contact. Maybe they’ll just throw it away when you part, but you’ve at least made an attempt.
One additional tip, on the blank backside of the card you can write an appropriate message - if you want to hump her hips write “Soulmate, please call me. I want lap your juices”. If you only want a platonic relationship write “Give me a ring when you want to talk R&B records.”
Try carrying around a (small ringed booklet, pocket organizer). When you meet someone at such a function, pull it out and say something like, “Hey, do you do this often? Let me add you to my little (book/palmtop) here. Maybe I’ll see you at the next one.”
I think the notion of having one’s number added to a collection is important. That would tell me, at least, that I am not the only person whose number she has asked for. It says that my number is in no way special. How you handle him after that is your business.
I did this (platonically) at a get-together thingy last year and it worked great: people of both sexes were volunteering to add their names, addresses, phone numbers and/or email (or all of the above) to my book simply to keep in touch. It worked wonderfully; people said it was a good idea.
I vote on the e-mail route too. But if you must ask for a phone number, there’s one simple thing you can do, don’t smile when you ask.
Um. No. I’m male and prefer the company of women to men. In addition, I know several guys that feel the same way.
Women are more than just warm holes to some of us.
Lordy, How’d I know THIS was comming.
I’m speaking as a general rule of thumb…
*Your *general rule of thumb. I have completely opposite experiences.
That’s the problem with generalizations.
All generalizations have problems. That doesn’t make them useless for the sake of discussion.
Unless there is some reason that blocks it, such as prior involvement, physical unattractiveness, medical condition, etc. I find it hard to believe that men and women can exist as ‘pals’ without any sort of sexual tension. Some people handle this tension better than others, but it’s there. Your case may be the exception, but I agree with SHAKES that this is the norm. And it’s something the OP should consider when she approaches someone.
It’s not meant as an insult to women at all (warm holes, indeed!), just facing the fact that a relationship can only handle so much sexual tension before things come to a head. Women generally have a different POV because they usually have ‘veto’ power on the romantic part of things…but just because you’ve told a guy that nothing will ever happen doesn’t mean he’ll believe you. Nor does it always mean that you’ll believe it either.
Anyway, I agree that this is a hard nut to crack. But from my own POV, if some woman asked for my number, telling me from the outset that she didn’t want me ‘that way’ but wanted to hang out with me, I’d likely laugh in her face (that ‘burn down her house’ thing earlier was pure hyperbole).
This is a bunch of crap.
I already have lots of male friends. Most of my friend base is male, you moron. I’m sure that most of them have had the occasional thought (doesn’t every guy think about it) but we have been maintaining these friendships for years in some cases.
I am not inclined to go around thinking that every male is so goddamn shallow that all he can think about, all the time, is how to get the girl he’s with in the sack. This website alone should prove that.
Clearly, generalizations are only useful until they fall apart. Many guys have platonic girlfriends - very clear.
Elenia28 needs to deal with her specific situation. If her specific situation is that she likes to hang out with geeks (again, using the word in a complimentary, passionate, science-y, sci-fi/fantasy, hacker sort of way), she needs to clarify that.
If so, then, yes, it is a generalization, but most geeks are not experienced with girls and relationships and would have difficulty processing the concept of a girl wanting to hang out platonically.
This concept can be tough for a lot of guys, but might be more so for geeks. Therefore, she would have to be extra clear and careful.
‘sallI’msayin’
Firstly, I should not have to tell you that the SDMB is the least representative body of any ‘norm’ you can imagine that has ever existed.
Secondly, name calling in certainly not warranted- SHAKES’ pov is based on his experiences, which are just as valid as yours. I didn’t see anything offensive or obtuse in his post, though it may have been a bit hyperbolic.
Thirdly, you acknowledge that even your platonic male friends have the ‘occasional thought’ - why is it hard to believe that some might have more than the occasional thought?
If the OP is going to continue approaching men for their info, she should know that, for good or ill, x percentage (x>50%, IMO) of them will assume that she wants to suck them like a smoked neck bone for initiating the contact.
In fact, I think that she DOES know, or else she’d not be asking to circumvent this. You acting as though everyone is (or should be) as ‘enlightened’ as yourself isn’t helping.
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Start talking to him.
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At some point early in the conversation mention that you have a boyfriend (DO NOT wait until the end to do this. It makes you seem self-absorbed and manipulative).
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See if he wants to keep talking. If so, good; if not, you know what you need to know about his interests in you.
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Keep hanging out.
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At the end, say something along the lines of: “Since you kept hanging out with me even after I told you I have a boyfriend we should get together sometime.” It’s implied that it’s just as friends at that point. Whatever you invite him to, make sure your boyfriend is there (or be sure to bring your boyfriend if he invites you).
I’ll take the OP a step further and say that I get oogy even about issuing “couply” invitations to someone I’ve just met, because I’m afraid the person will think we want to swing. :eek:
That said, I’d have to agree that it’s the only way to go, so just try not to lick your lips suggestively when you ask. 
This is crazy. I am male and almost all of my friends are females. I am also married. It has been that way since college and I am 31 now. Oddly enough, all but one is very attractive. I call them in front of my wife. I see them one-on-one. There is even an occasional dinner out. There is nothing wrong with that and some people can do it just fine so cut the “impossible”, “ulterior motives” shit.
Now, how did it get that way. I actually had two of them as roomates in college so that is a little extreme. I met three at work. The others are not as close but I met them at random events, parties etc. We just established a common interest that we both wanted to follow up on. I have given dozens of females my phone number or e-mail addres over the years for these reasons and vice versa. It usually doen’t go anywhere and neither of us has the motivation to call but sometimes you establish a bond. As in romantic relationships however, be aware that there may be some strikeouts and even some mild humiliation involved with this.
Shakes nailed it.
He’s going to be flamed by a dozen posters for it, but he does speak the truth.
To the OP: Unless you want to date them, do not ask for a guys phone number the first time you meet him.
Also, how does your SO feel about you asking for guys numbers when you go out without him?
I like yosemitebabe’s and Fish’s approach.
But for God’s sake do NOT, ever write it on the card until exactly before you’re handing it over, and if you cannot hand it over promptly, destroy the card! You don’t want to tell THAT to the guy who’ll decide on that $5-million contract :eek: !
If SHAKES gets flamed, it’s because he’d rather act like a Chris Rock wannabe than contribute anything useful to the thread. “All guys want is the boo-tay! Am I right? Uh huh! I’m talkin’ DOWN town! Back me up here, fellas! Woo!”
Some guys are interested in being friends with women. Some guys aren’t. No one is saying that all guys will automatically be the OP’s friend if she just asks them right. But it is possible, and you and SHAKES are wrong if you think you know what all guys do.