Guys: How do I ask for your phone # platonically?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I really have NO idea how to do this. Is this even done?

Say I just met you. At an event, or something relatively neutral. (Not a bar, an obvious hook-up place). I want to be friends with you, but I know once we leave we might never see each other again.

If you were female, I’d ask you easily. But now that you’re a guy, I have to worry about getting it across that I am not interested in you sexually.

So how do I do this? I get all kinds of answers. I’ve even got the hated “Uh…I’ve got a girlfriend.” Dude, I don’t care! Bring her along! I’ll bring my SO along. But as soon as I ask they get that glazed look like I just asked to go to bed with them.

Is it the way I’m asking? “Can I have your phone #, so I can call you sometime?” Do I look desperate? (Really, I’m very happy). You seem nice enough, so I’m thinking it’s not your ego.

I hate the thought of having to say “Can I have your phone # for a non-comittal, friendly sort of meeting with no strings attached because I have an SO and I’m not interested in you?” but I will I have to, goddamnit.

Any help?

2

This is weird, if only because I’ve never in my life thought to get someone’s number so I could be their friend. Why would you do this?

Are these people that you’d not meet casually elsewhere? I guess I don’t understand the situation. Is your SO with you when you ask (as in, you are both asking?)

I guress, if this comes at the end of a night of having fun (platonic), you could say-hey, we should do this again some time. how can I get in touch with you?
Of course, could you not give out your own info?

Sorry…I’m just very anti-social, so the scenario you’re trying to show is totally outside my frame of reference. But if I were going to ask, I’d make it as casual as possible.

3

Ok let me go in a little more detail.

Say I meet someone at…oh, a walk for diabetes. Or I take a one-day class at a college.

I mean events that are not normally relationship-creators.

Now if I met a girl there I wanted to see again, well I’d just ask her for her number or give her mine. Guys seem to have a harder time with this.

And no, my SO is not necesarily there. I am much more socially involved than him (that’s saying a lot, since I don’t go out socially).

Don’t people hang out with the opposite sex as friends?

4

make getting the phone number linked to the event. Say at a diabetes walk ask “Do you go to these events often?” if yes then ask “Would you give me your phone number/email so I could find out about more events, maybe meet you at the next event”. That said diabeted walks are like church (but good for atheists as well) it is a place you might go to meet the nice kind of guy/girl as well as to support the charity.

5

Given how much this sounds like every bad breakup most people have gone through, no, not easily. If you end up going to several Diabetes walks or classes in college, it can build up over time, but for a one-shot deal, this would seem kind of weird.

6

Mmmm … it depends. If you mean one-on-one, some folks do … many, many, many do not. This is all to my experience, mind you – the SDMB as a whole is way more open-minded about this kind of thing than the society I happen move in. Others’ mileage may vary.

7

I’ve had many female friends in my life, but they’ve always come out of multiple chance meetings before we started hanging out one on one. Trying to start something after a single meeting without them thinking you’re asking them out is tougher.

My suggestion: make the request sound couples-themed, even if it’s not. Say something like “Do you want to get together some time? I’ve really enjoyed talking to you and my boyfriend and I are always looking for other cool couples to hang out with.” Then, even if just you and he end up hanging out, your request was unequivocally platonic.

Or you could be more direct: “You physically repulse me, but I like talking to you. Want to hang out sometime, preferably somewhere well-ventilated?”

8

Why is it always the psych prof. bringing up the psychology behind weird human interactions. Elenia - Personality types vary right? So do reactions to certain social situations. You as an individual have no idea (you think) what the reaction will be when you ask a male, for their phone number to “just-hang-out”. If you were at an MS walk, and you just gave your pledge monies in, and started the walk normally. Let’s say another single male were walking, and he decided to interact with you in a friendly way…he may or may not have an SO, but 9 times out fo 10, if you ask him for his #, he is going to think you are showing some “hyper-normal” interest in him right? I mean of course he is. Otherwise why would they guy who says. "I have a girl friend" not simply say, “Hey, that would be great! I’m happy we share some same interests…let’s get together for a chat/walk/read/movie…” --> because the underlying innate human characteristic for inter-gender interest is sex, plain and simple. This is not to say platonic relationships do not exist, because they do. Of course they do, but I would go as far to say they are the minority, as opposed to the norm, for the simple reason that the most primal human instinct is sex - not love mind you - but sex, the continuation of your genes through the act.

Do not fret, platonic relationships do exist, and when you find one, you won’t have to ask for a number, because he will most likely be the type to understand how to sustain a platonic friendship with the opposite sex. It’s not easy but it does happen. Good Luck.

9

[QUOTE=Giraffe]
I’ve had many female friends in my life, but they’ve always come out of multiple chance meetings before we started hanging out one on one. Trying to start something after a single meeting without them thinking you’re asking them out is tougher.
…snip…QUOTE]

This 100% correct IMHO.

10

How about asking for email info? That way, you can use, “I’ll email you a link for the next walk a thon.”

11

It’s funny because it’s true.

Several years ago I went on a blind date. She and I hit it off reasonably well that night, and made plans for later that week, which she postponed (and eventually cancelled) at the last minute. Several days later, she emailed and said “I have no interest in dating you, but you’re a lot of fun to be around and I like talking to you. We should hang out. You know, just as friends. And don’t take this as “hey, there’s still a chance, we may hook up in the future.” There’s no chance. But we should get together more often!”

12

Okey-dokey. I like this idea (well I like both but I don’t think the second one will fly that well).

See the thing is…I like hanging out with guys better. So does my SO. I…I’m going to make this into another thread.

13

<checking down blouse>

I’m a girl and I wouldn’t want you to ask for my telephone number. I’d much rather correspond via email.

If I wanted to talk to some dude I met but might not see again, I’d ask him for his email address. Then again, I hate people (they’re the worst!) so the chances of this happening would be slim to none.

14

Please tell me what your reaction was. My gut reaction is to set her house on fire. The balls on some people.

:slight_smile:

As for the rest, I’m glad that, anti-social though I may be, I am not totally out of touch. It just seems weird to me to force the friend making process like that, and is asking for miscommunication.
If I meet someone once, I know virtually nothing about them. If it’s a romantic situation though (i.e. they are hot), I don’t really have to…I just have to know whether I’m willing to sleep with them. Of course, I have maybe 3 friends in the world, one of whom is my wife. So maybe i’m not the best judge here.

15

If you are worried, for some reason, about coming across as gay to a bisexual guy (whether or not you know it about me is another beast entirely), suggest some hetero-approved activity:

  1. Watching The Game
  2. Having A Bud
  3. Playing a Game - mentioning a game system is key here, as Playing House is not hetero-approved. Madden 2K4 is a good suggestion.
    and, my personal favorite,
  4. Throwing rocks and hammers at stupids.
16

Well, in the other thread you started about basically getting along more with guys than girls, a couple of posters argued that the situation (liking guys more) is more about you being a geek than preferring guys - it’s just that there are more guys. You took the appellation of “geek” as a compliment (as it was intended), so I am going to assume you are cool with it.

Well, take that a step further. Many, if not most, geek guys are not used to: a) being around a lot of girls; b) having girlfriends; and c) having platonic friends that are girls. All of this further complicates your situation. It is a variation of the “When Harry Met Sally” scenario - most guys think that they can NOT have girls for friends; they can only be friends with girls they wish they could have sex with. Focusing solely on geeks (and yep, I was one in HS) most sex-deprived, typically-low-self-esteem-on-the-dating-front guys are desperate for attention - ANY attention - from persons of the opposite sex, aka girls. Breathing in their general direction is enough to hope, pray and fantasize that you might/oh please oh please/could it possibly be?!? be interested.

If you seriously want to “hang out” with guys whom you share interests with, and if I am correct to hypothesize that they might be geeks - super smart, passionate, but somewhat uninitiated in the ways of male/female relations, platonic, romantic or otherwise, then here is my advice: BE UP FRONT and CLEAR. The recommended line of “You physically repulse me, but I like talking to you. Want to hang out sometime, preferably somewhere well-ventilated?” is the way to go - now, figure out a way to say that without being so offensive.

“Look, you can NOT take this personnally - I have an SO - so there is NO way I will EVER be interested in hooking up - and I enjoy hanging out and talking - is there a way we could do friend things without getting hung up on this?”

“It would be fun to hang out. You MUST realize up front - that is ALL I am interested in having happen, and it is all I will EVER be interested in happening. If you can handle that - let’s talk medieval arms and armor sometime. If not, no sweat.”

Or some variation thereof. You have to manage the situation thoughtfully and honestly…

If I have misread the situation based on reading the two threads, please fill me in…

17

Actually, even though I suggested the “you physically repulse me, but” line, it was just a joke and I actually strongly disagree with this advice. Friendships don’t start with an unsolicited rejection. So I think the OP has to make it absolutely clear that she has an SO and is therefore only looking for friendship without preemptively saying flat out that she doesn’t want to date the guy.

It would be different if the guy was trying to hang out with her. Then one of these lines would be both reasonable and necessary to prevent misunderstandings.

18

Actually, I do, too - the only thing I like about your statement was its directness. In terms of content, it went too far, as you say. As for my examples, yeah, they go to far, too, but, as a teen geek, I probably needed a degree of heavy-handedness when dealing with girls, especially if the girl was wanting to hang out and stay platonic…

19

I think people are making this way too hard. But then, I’m surprised that so many people can’t understand why Elenia’d want to hang out with guys without dating them - as a guy, I have plenty of female friends that I don’t want to hook up with. IMO, all you have to do is make it clear to the poor guy when you’re talking with him that you have a SO. Just mention him a couple times in the conversation - as long as you’re not saying, “The idiotic man I’m stuck with just watches tv and drinks beer all day”, any new guy who is romantically interested in you will be quick to pick up the disappointing news that you’re attached. Unless he’s entirely too egotistical for his own good, I don’t think he’ll assume you’re making a move when you ask for his contact info.

20

Ah jeez! IF nobody else is going to say it I will.
Leave these guys alone fer Chrissakes!

Most guys don’t give a damnn about making “Friends” with females.

Now that’s not to say we don’t value some of our putonic realationships with girls. It’s just that we don’t actively seek these relationships…

Was it Chris Rock that said:

"What is a guy friend?.. A dick in a glass case…

Break in case of emergency!!"