Here’s my situation in a nutshell… I’m too tired for anything more. My husband has a history ol alcoholism and abuse. In fact,I’ve booted him before for it, for 2 years. He straightened up and we renconciled two years ago. We have three kids 16,15, and 12.
Well, last night was the final straw. It was the last time was going to sustain any more pysical abuse. He even took a swipe at my daughter. I decided then and there I was divorcing him, no matter what I lost or had to do. What I had to endure was one thing, but not my kids.
My mind was made up. My family said the would stand behind me.
Well today my husband’s sister died in a terrible car crash. They took her off life support at 3:30 P.M. today. She leaves two sons, 17 and 15. She was 33 friggin’ years old.
How can I tell this man I want a divorce??
I can’t.
I’m simply at a loss how to handle this.
And I feel guilty thinking that.
Hell, I don’t know how to feel or what to do.
I very rarely see my in-laws…long septic story…but my sister in law was a sweetie…I’ll miss her alot…
My mother was on the verge of dumping my dad (who deserved it) . . . and then he got sick and ended up in the hospital. She decided not to leave him after all because she was afraid of what the family might think or her leaving him at such a time. He recovered (although on disability), and her life is just as miserable as before.
Your sister-in-law’s death does not mitigate the abuse. You must think of yourself and your kids FIRST. And your family is behind you – that’s great. Get moving, and good luck.
But, that doesn’t change the situation you are in. Your decision was valid, and of extreme importance. What is the guy going to do, think you’re a super bitch for divorcing him so close to his sister’s death? He would think that of you with out the tragedy. (Most likely, I don’t know you guys…)
You have a gulit complex on the horizen. Please don’t give in to it.
Staying with your husband won’t help anyone. It will hurt you, and your kids. You will be in a better position to help support the sister’s kids if you aren’t being abused.
You didn’t cause this divorce. Your husband did, the first time he hit you.
Witch, I’m very sorry for your position; I’m sure it’s terrible to deal with. But I also agree with the previous posters, that you need to think of yourself and your children first and stick with your decision to leave. You can still be supportive and empathetic to your in-laws from a safe distance from your husband.
I wish you the best of luck, and all the strength you need.
I just wanna say how proud I am that you’re leaving him. It’s easy for me (a 20 yr old with no experience in any type of abuse) to say that all women should leave after the first strike… but I know it’s harder than that. It’s very brave and responsible of you to leave him. Forget about his loss, and do what you have to do. Good luck!
I have no great love for this kid believe me. But I am very aware of him as the father of my children, that’s my only investment in him, albeit a large one.
And he’s not a citadel of emotional stability. I just don’t want to see him pushed over the edge. My older two think he’s an asshole. But the younger one still loves him. The older two may change their minds as they grow older. I’d like them to have that option. And frankly, on a practical level, we need his money. I won’t lie about it.
If I chose to let him stay until the shock wears off for him and my dad can hire me a really hotshot lawyer,(because hubby isn’t goint to go without a fight) my extremely large and hot tempered brother had agreed to move in until HE moves out.
Ok I reread that and I don’t like the way it looks.
The bastards HISTORY.
I’m not talking months. I’m talking a couple of weeks. That’s it. By then I’ll know exactly what I can get, because this damn house is mine and the childrens. He’s getting HIS sorry ass out
So don’t get me wrong. I’m not wussing.
He’s SO gone.
It also gives me a little time to get my legal ducks in a row.
Go for it,witch.A man who abuses women or children does not deserve a second chance. Abuse is addictive and the addict gets a high out of it. Yes, he may be remorseful afterwards, but the damage is already done. And it will happen again. His alcoholism is just another scary indicator of addictive behaviour, and the two often go hand in hand.
Make sure you protect your family from danger when you take that step away from him. Get the police involved as soon as you can, get your brother to protect you, AND TAKE NO CHANCES WITH YOUR SAFETY. I advise no contact with him except through a lawyer. Too many women have died only because they felt sorry for their abuser. It is scary, because it only takes a second to kill somebody.
Take it from me, I’m an alcoholic, and I know addictive behaviour.
Finnie…dry for 22 years.
Please know that we are sad about your situation. However, I think that the death of your husband’s sister is not really related to what is going on.
At the risk of seeming brutal (but only on the surface):
Point 1 - Your husband’s drinking and behavior are not your fault or responsibility.
Point 2 - Your welfare and the welfare of your children are your responsibility.
You can be supportive of his loss. Don’t confuse that with the actions that you need to take to give yourself and the children a safe, sane and supportive environment.
I will relate a personal story. My wife’s best friend had essentially the same situation. With encouragement and the support of friends and the police, the soon-to-be ex was stopped from carrying out property damage, emotional damage, and physical damage. Please protect yourself, and do what you know is the best thing.
I hope I wasn’t too sharp. But I’ve seen women who stayed with the situation get into more trouble.
As a veteran of the same war, Witch, you DO whatever you have to do, for you and your kids. And then do more. You’re already operating from a long-ingrained disadvantage.
Abuse will always find an excuse. Any will do.
Fact is, decent people don’t abuse others, no matter the excuse. Inevitable moments of human weakness are balanced by support and love. It might be hard and muddled now, but the best thing you can do for you, and your kids, is to get OUT from under the influence.
Sounds (from my experience) like you’re already well along the road. Take whatever time and steps you need to get your legal and personal ammo loaded. Then use it.
You don’t have to live like that, nor do your kids. Muster whatever forces you can to your back, and don’t let the abuser back into your head.
Years ago, I was employed by a small manufacturing company where I ended up supervising about twenty women. This was a minimum wage, low-skill, low-tech company and the employees tended to be poorly educated, married at a young age, and had multi children before the age of twenty. I was surprised and sickened by the number of them who were involved in abusive relationships. They always had reasons for staying with their husbands, and the abuse never stopped. If I have a point, it is that life is too damn short to suffer abuse from anyone and for any reason. Throw the bum out and get on with your life.
My brother is on one of the two couches in my family room. I’ll man the other. It’ll be just like watching The Creature Double Feature on saturdays back in the 70’s! Well, not even close, but DAMN do I love him for this.
My husband got home from the hospital a while ago too. I hugged him and let him cry, and it was very, very hard for me to do on certain levels. I did it for my kids, and I did it for his sister. He’s asleep now. And nowhere near me.
You guys…have no idea how much reading your posts means to me. Living like this makes you feel like…sorry I’m not very eloquent tonight…a jerk. Yea, jerk works. Reading these makes me feel like less of one.
I’ve been alone in this for a very long time. Even my family is just facing up to this now. I just don’t think they wanted to hear before. For the first time today I believe my dad really SAW my swollen face and my mangled fingers. I live 10 miles away. Before I think everyone tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. Now it’s a full turn around, and they are afraid he’s going to hurt me bad. I don’t know what brought this on, hell, I don’t even care, I’m just glad it did.
I’m not even sure where to begin. But I’ll figure it out.
I told my mom I’m pretty intimidated about raising three teens on my own. I’m manic depressive,but I’m doing very well on meds. I also I have a 12 year old son who is bipolar and suffers from it much worse than I do, but I have the fear of God that I might relapse…and then what?
But I think mom made a decent point…maybe when we’re not living in such a stressful environment…these things may not even be such an issue anymore…
Hope she’s right.
Witch, the journey that you’re on now is going to be difficult but with the strength of your friends and family (and the SDMB, of course!), you’ll come out on the other side a stronger, more self-assured woman. You’ll be a better person for you and your kids.
Maybe your family can sense that YOU are serious about taking action this time.
I have a question and you may condsider a sick one.
But was the car crash alcohol related? I mean if she was driving drunk or if the other driver was drunk. If it was I wonder how your husband feels about that.
You may be doing him a favor by ending the relationship now. When someone close to me dies it almost like New Years. I examine my life and try to discard what’s wrong and make my life better. I ended up doing that when I got divorced. (yes she left me) So you can kill two birds with one stone so to speak and really he probably won’t feel that much worse than he does now.
You’re doing the right thing. Did he think about your feelings or the effect it would have on your children while he was abusing you? As soon as a man strikes his wife, he ceases to be a man and is nothing more than filth from that moment forward. You don’t need to live with filth.
Males learn to manipulate females when they are just boys, needling their mothers.
I think you need to tell this guy to take a hike, because nothing ever changes. Please listen to me. You are still fairly young, and can escape.