Witch, you sound like a very loving and giving person. As to your SO, well, sucks to be him right now, doesn’t it. I do not mean to sound trite, but how loving and caring was HE while he was punching his wife? Put the focus back on you and your kids, and take it off the jerk. By staying, what does this teach your children? Will they grow up to take the abuse also, cuz that’s what Mom did. Will your son grow up hitting women, because that’s what Dad did? Get out of there, NOW!
Ruby so eloquently wrote, and I ditto:
Think of what lessons your boys are learning from him. How to treat women and how to be obnoxious and dependant. Think of what your daughter is learning from him, that this kind of behavior is allowed and this is how men treat women or people treat people when they are frustrated. No.They.Don’'t.
You need to be strong for them. To stop the circle of violence.
Good luck.
**Finnie ** congrats on being dry for 22 years. **
And do this not just for the children. Do it for yourself! You are worthy of a decent life too. I think that you are tougher and stronger than you know. It’s probably going to surprise you how strong you really are. Life is going to get better now.
I’m sorry for your loss of your sister-in-law.
Witch, do what you have to do, get all the support for it you can get, and don’t blame yourself for it. As adult women we get into this mindspace where we blame ourselves for everything that goes on in our lives, but that’s just not reality. Be kind to yourself. You and your kids deserve to be happy and unafraid as much as anyone else in the world does. Just think, two years from now you could be living in a great place, working at a great job, your kids happy and healthy, and be free to do whatever you want, whenever you want, with no fear of anything or anyone. Doesn’t that sound great? Isn’t it worth going through the battlefield now to get there?
(For what it’s worth, it sounds like you have reached your limit and there will be no going back for you. Good for you.)
** Witch ** said:
[/quote]
I have no great love for this kid believe me. But I am very aware of him as the father of my children, that’s my only investment in him, albeit a large one. . . . My older two think he’s an asshole. But the younger one still loves him. The older two may change their minds as they grow older. I’d like them to have that option.
[/quote]
Honey, it honestly sounds like your children would be better off with no father at all, than with a man like him. ** Shirley Ujest ** was 100% correct.
I worked in a battered women’s shelter, and I know how hard it can be to leave, but for the sake of your children ** YOU MUST. ** Do it now. Do it tonight. Do not let your children be damaged for one moment longer. And please, call you local battered women’s shelter, and ask them about getting counselling for your children. Even if they don’t seem like they need it, trust me, they do. The scars of what they have already seen and experienced go very deep. Unless you help them now, they could be permenantly damaged.
** HE WILL NOT STOP ABUSING YOUR FAMILY. ** Batterers never do. It will get worse as time goes on. Without intensive therapy, he will never change. It can only go down from here.
Please do not let feeling sorry for his sister’s death detain you in any way. This man has preyed on your emotions and exploited them for years.
Please think of your saftey as well. If you even suspect he might come after you, please go to the battered women’s shelter. The location of most shelters are secret, and they have security.
At least call them tonight and speak to a counseller.
The courts can issue you a temporary support order, and after the divorce is final, you will recieve child support. If you need more immediate help, such as a place to stay, your local battered women’s shelter will take you in. They will support you in any way they can. I’ve even known shelters to help with rent payments.
Good luck.
Take care Witch and good luck. I think you are making the best choice possible and I know how scary it is to take the road, esp with children.
{{{{{witch}}}}}
My first husband was extremely abusive. Everything everyone has said here is completely correct. Sure, you are worried about a lot of things and it isn’t at all easy. And as much as your sil’s death is an extreme situation, there will always be ‘reasons’ not to leave if you want to find them. It’s scary, it’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it
HAS TO BE DONE
Don’t put it off any longer. Later on when you can see things clearer, you’ll realize how much your kids are been effected and you’ll wonder why you didn’t act sooner.
Put your mouse down, get the kids and leave…NOW
My prayers and thoughs are with you and your family witch.
My email is on my page if you want to drop me a note.
Take care of yourself and your kids now. Someone will take care of your husband, but you’re not the one to do it now.
Witch, I won’t add to the advice given because I can’t top it. If you need a refuge and support, I’ve got some friends up in Maine who might be able to do something; two of them are members of Cecil’s Place.
I’m glad your brother’s staying with you, but I am worried. From all I’ve read, right now is the most dangerous time in an abusive marriage, when you’re starting to leave him. Accept your brother’s help (and give him a hug for me for staying with you), and be careful! I like you far too much to want to risk losing you. I appreciate your compassion in wanting to give him a chance to get over his grief, but LEAVE HIM! Please.
I also know a divorce lawyer here in Pennsylvania. I may be able to ask him for specific advice or a recommendation. For that matter, I’ve got a brother in your neck of the woods who might know someone who knows someone.
Take care, and e-mail me if you need to or post out to Cecil’s Place. Congratulations on your decision to take care of yourself and good luck!
CJ
I’m glad you made the decision to dump the deadweight, Witch.. Please come back and let us know how your’re doing. And if I may, since you said you cared for your SIL, ask yourself, “Would she want her death to be the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship out of guilt and pity?”
Good luck…and congratulations!
**Witch[/], let me give you a little assurance about your kids.
I left my abusive husband 14 years ago. I had a 3 yr old and a 6 month old. Over the years, they have had a somewhat spotty relationship with him.
My 17 yr old now tolerates her dad pretty well. She’ll talk to him on the phone etc. However her brother (14) is currently in a I’m-pissed-off-at-Dad mode.
The point I’m trying to make: they will go in and out of relationship with Dad over the years. You will be a stable and steady influence on them. They will be OK. My daughter is about to graduate high school 157th out of 404 students. My son is home-schooling and has a 97 grade point average. With love and perseverance, ya’ll will make it, too.
Lissa is absolutely right. Sometimes, having no father is better than having an abusive father. 
Mrs. Wang-Ka wishes to add something.
It has been commented, “What is this man teaching your sons? How to be an abusive asshole.”
Mrs. Wang-Ka also comments, “What is this man teaching your daughter?”
Namely, that a boyfriend who gets drunk and slaps her around is perfectly normal, and that marrying a chap like this is quite acceptable.
Teach her otherwise.
Therapy, and/or some sort of family counseling is also not a bad idea. It helped my wife out tremendously with HER first husband… a chap who doesn’t sound much different than yours… and ultimately, that’s what she wound up thinking. “My daughter is going to grow up and marry some ass who is just like her father.”
…and that’s what got her up off her can and calling a lawyer.
I do wish to add my voice to the others, though: your husband is about to become an extremely dangerous man. He doesn’t sound like the most stable chap to begin with, he’s already the violent sort, and he is about to be in a world of hurt and stress… and the most natural thing in the world for him is going to be to soak up a quart of Old Overcoat… and make the decision to take his troubles in hand, so to speak.
I would not wish to hear that he showed up and shot your brother one night.
BE AWARE of what this guy may choose to do… and make a point of thinking one step ahead of him. Be ready to defend yourself and your loved ones, or to get the hell away, if necessary. Neither the wife nor I can express this loudly or strongly enough.
On the flip side… there’s hope. Mrs. Wang-Ka says that life was tight, financially, after her divorce, particularly since she and her daughter were paying for therapy, as well. In time, she met another guy. It clicked, it worked out, and she married him.
And he never hits her. Ever.
He has been known to drum on her lower back with closed fists during back rubs, though.
But only when she begs for it…
Oh, Witch. I’m in tears for you. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
You are doing the right thing. I understand completely about the money issue–we are going to be in very deep shit here if my husband and I divorce–but it sounds like you have a supportive family, you have the house, and you’re strong and resourceful. I have every faith that you will make your way in the world.
Mrs. Kang-wa’s comment is a terribly important one, too. I stuck with my husband through a lot of emotional abuse, until my little girl was nearly two. Then I started to look at her beautiful little face, and began to wonder if I wanted her to live the kind of life I was mired in. The answer, of course, is no–and I don’t want my boys to learn it either.
Email me anytime, hon, I’ll be happy to hear you out. Hang in there, please.
I have not seen this abuse firsthand, but have seen the effects of it many years later.
It’s a tragedy that your sister-in-law has died. You must get out before anyone else is battered or bruised. Your brother is providing a tremendous service, but if you need to get away for the safety of him and everyone else, **get the children to a safe place ** and get away yourself.
I’m glad that you are being supported by your family, and wish you the best that this may be a step towards a better life.
Hey guys…here I am…and so overwhelmed by the kindness of my fellow Dopers…I’m pretty low profile here and this sort of response its truly overwhelming…and very very appreciated.
First off…Finnie…congratulations. Truly something to be proud of.
Nope Zebra, she hadn’t been drinking. She hit an ice patch on a bridge, her vehicle rolled over a few times and she was thrown out. Horrible. Valid question though. Ironically she had cleaned up her own act about a year ago. So actually it may have the opposite effect. My husband already had one DUI under his belt…
EXACTY Lyllyan. That’s what made me boot him last time.I didn’t want to set a bad example for my kids. I didn’t want my boys to think it was acceptable to hit a woman(or anyone for that matter,) or my daughter to accept abuse(physical, verbal or emotional) as the norm in a relationship. I only took him back because he successfully completed in house rehab and anger management. And even THEN I waited almost a year to see if it really “took.” And I didn’t just wither on the vine waiting, I went on with my life. Hell. I even dated. But once we made that descision, I commited myself 100%.
Two of my kids are already in counseling Lissa. My youngest is seriously mentally ill right now.That’s another “reason” he’s hitting the bottle. HE CAN"T HANDLE living with two manic depressives. He’s told us so. Well tough ***. That’s just evil.
And Lissa…my big and cranky brother is here and ain’t movin’.He’s stayin’ indefinitely, even after Chuckles the Clown is gone. AND he’ll pay a little rent. My kid brother ROCKS. I get weepy even typing this.
It’s sad **cad[/]. My husband has no-one. His family(aside from his sister that just died)are even bigger a-holes than he is.She’s the only one we’ve had contact with for the past 10 years. The reason? Because his mother and sister got loaded one night and beat me up so bad they gave me a concussion. Why? Because they were drunk and they felt like it. John wasn’t home, and so what if my 6,5 and 2 year old saw it? The Waltons they are not.
When my 15 year old son got home last night I told him his aunt had died and be quiet his dad was upset and sleeping in the sunporch. His reply?
“I’m sorry about Aunt Sheila. But as far as that a-hole goes, after what he did last light, I really don’t give a s*** how he feels.”
He’s what they call “Straight edge.” He swears he’ll never touch drugs or alcohol in his life. I believe him.
Wang-Ka…I hear ya. But he’s a deploarable wuss. Put a man in the mix and he bolts like a little girl. My daughter had her 18 year old male friend come here the other night and that was enough to stop him from skulking in the yard. Pathetic. And I’ll always have to worry about him freaking out, at least for awhile. It’s just going to suck to be me for a bit. My dad has told me to find a lawyer. A Good One. I will be on the phone Monday morning. I will get my legal ducks in a row. He makes decent money. I am going to make sure my kids get what they deserve. They deserve a decent father of course…but…I can’t help that.
And when I’ve had a had some asleep I’ll remember how to code again. Sorry guys. Ack.
I wish you the very best, Witch. In all seriousness. And if he’s a wuss on top of everything else, well, peachy. I appreciate that. My wife made a point of painting her new name on the mailbox when we were married for precisely that reason.
On the other hand, the biggest wussy in the universe might well manage to reach down and find a pair, so to speak, when he’s got a gun in his hand and has surrounded a fifth of his favorite tipple. Long enough to hurt someone, anyway.
I certainly don’t want to scare anyone, and I don’t wanna be a doomsayer. All I’m saying is this: be aware of the possibilities, and protect yourself and your loved ones as best you can.
Y’r doing the right thing, y’know. It is going to violently suck for a while, sure, but after that, it will get better, and it will seem remarkably bright and sweet after that. Getting rid of a big turd makes it seem like the world smells wonderful… when in fact, it’s simply the absence of the stench.
Mrs. W says so.
Armed with a gun. Your sister in law’s demise doesn’t change a thing. I might say that this is the sort of rock bottom that he needs to change things around, but I’ve never really heard of abusers changing their ways. If you haven’t started making a legal papertrail of his abuse, then you had damn well better start now. That bit about the gun wasn’t a joke.
Witch, when you have a spare moment, please read this poem; it is my favorite, and I thought of it as I read this thread.
Specifically this part of the poem:
I wish you strength & courage as you start this journey. Do this for your children yes; but also do it for yourself. You’ll be in my Positive Thoughts/Good Vibes/Prayers.
And if you ever just need a little encouragement, my e-mail is in my profile.
Best Wishes
Slainte, I can see why this is your favorite poem. It is now also mine. My mother was chastising me just today for always thinking of everybody else first and me last. Reading this was like turning a faucet on. And it’s making me think.
Thank you.
I really hate divorces and all of the nasty crap that they involve, but this is certainly an instance of the sooner, the better.
As others have said, you need to protect yourself and the kids. I strongly recommend no contact other than through a lawyer. No contact, no calls, nuthin’. Noting your history, I don’t think a restraining order would be too difficult to obtain.
By the way, I’m not sure how it is in your state, but oftentimes the divorce needn’t be final before child support can be initiated.
Good luck.