Guys, Is this TOO direct?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Bearing in mind I’m from England, so there may be cultural differences…

I’d personally like a brief warning, so I can avoid choking on my drink, or appearing over-enthusiastic in public*

How about you first saying ‘do you like women to be direct?’.

If you’re with a smart guy, he will be alerted, say ‘yes’ and be ready for something (your offer / a brushoff). (If he says ‘no’, proceed more slowly).

If he looks blank and says ‘What do you mean?’, at least you’ve learnt something about him.
*I’m thinking of the restaurant scene in ‘When Harry met Sally’, but, on second thoughts, it may not be relevant. (It was funny, though!).

22

They’d do the same thing that llamas would do, only there a little more circumspect about it. And they’re left-handed, uh, flippered.

23

“they’re” not “there”

Or even there.

But never here (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

24

Step #1: Freeze Facial Expression
Step #2: Kick Brain Into Overdrive
Step #3: Try to analyze situation (Did she MEAN that?)
Step #4: Start telling her and hope for the best
Step #5: Be flexible. If the penguins have to wait until later then fine.

25

So…ummm…Porcupine. How you doin’?

<Shameless WINK>

:slight_smile:

26

check please

27

Not all guys are looking for quick sex all the time. Sometimes, we can quickly determine that it will be more fun and fulfilling to build up slowly to real intimacy. This happens often when we – scratch that – when I encounter a woman with an impressive intellect and strong sense of herself. I often begin thinking that that the pleasure of the relationship (term used loosely) will be best served by stretching it out a bit and developing other avenues of communication that will lead to a better understanding of one another and better sex. I’d never be scared off by anything, but I might start to think that you weren’t interested in building something beautiful that requires patience and finesse. I might meet you and see that there are wonderful opportunities limited and cut short by your insistence on immediately devoting your mind and energy to physicality. I might be disappointed, but not scared.

Of course, I, like most men, am just looking to get laid most of the time. Either way, I’d answer your questions directly and thoroughly without hesitation. (You wouldn’t be disappointed, either.) After that conversation, I’d determine whether to follow up with action, or move on to someone with more of a sense of discipline and a love of patient, deliberate development of something really cool.

28

porcupine, most of the women ask me that question. But I also ask them that question too [although Im probably older than you so we use other words to ask the question with]. Then I usually describe all sorts of funny situations & we are both laughing hysterically. That’s a lot of fun.

Because of STDs I make new partners wait three months to make sure they are safe. So we have plenty of time to talk about things like that & have a ball in the process.

29

First, where the hell are these women?!?!?! A poor guy can’t get laid to save his life, and here I hear a woman ready to just give it away. What in the hell am I doing wrong?

Anyways, porcupine, aside from placing yourself in the top tier of flirtable women here, you also have stumbled upon what is a deceptivly tricky issue IMHO.

Yes, most all men will love this tactic, and respond with a giant woody. I know I would have alot of fun with the rest of that date, even before we got close to the bedroom.

You need to be real certain about what you want here though. Most guys (not all) will jump on the opportunity, and probably indulge you in as much sex as you can handle. Many will, however, end up giving you no respect. Its cliche, but no guy is going to take you very seriously after this (which is frequently OK if you honestly just want a nice stiff one). You might get treated badly by this guy if he doesn’t respect you, and he might feel that you are a total slut. Basically you’re fighting the double standard.

My personal opinion? Well, I’d be very very eager to take the opportunty that night, but if there was a repeat meeting or hopes for a relationship to develop this type of thing could linger as a issue. I wouldn’t think twice about enjoying that night, and probably developing a friend with benefits arrangement, but I’d probably immediately eliminate you subconciously as a potential serious girlfriend. This might be exactly what you want, and if it is, great for both of us.

In short, if you come out right away and establish a relationship founded on casual sex, it probably won’t ever develop much past that with many guys. So think about what you’re doing. Presuming you know exactly what you want, and I’m not telling you anything new, then we can get to the real question…you still coming to ChiDope ;)?

Hope you have fun, and enjoy yourself. I’m quite certain that most guys will get over the shock quickly and be receptive to the challenge. Hopefully you can share some tips with your favorite SDMB flirt and spread the wealth. kicks the dirt innocently

30

I’m usually much too embarrassed to a post like this, but…

After a lifetime’s worth of asking out women whose opinion of sex ranged from disinterest to outright hostility, I would be more than flattered if a woman actually took such an active role with me.

Of course, my wife (who I am now currently separated from :() would see it differently…

31

Too direct? Hmmmn…no. Not if you have realistic expectations as to long term issues.

Most red blooded men would respond enthusiastically to this inquiry and probably most would do the initial thinking with their little head. But many men, perhaps unfairly, and regardless of what they tell you in the throes of passion and lust, and despite your natural intelligence and numerous other virtues, would probably consider you a “fun and easy little piece of ass” after they have left your place and are driving back to their house in the morning.

Protestations against female “game playing” by lazy, horny men aside many/most men will truly only respect/value a women if they have to do some amount of wooing to obtain her favors. Yeah it’s a PITA but it’s the way we’re built.

In this context most of the men that women “claim” they want to have long term relationships with (ie caring, honorable, honest, etc etc) a “fun and easy little piece of ass” does not a serious long term relationship or marriage prospect make. If you can be emotionally detached from your sex partner after the fact go for it, if not don’t kid yourself.

32

said porcupine -

sniff sniff

And I thought we had something special after I said you were a sick, sick person! Well, I take it all back now. You aren’t sick. You aren’t sick at all! You’re so bland and normal you make Ward Cleaver look like Dennis Rodman after a fifth of tequila and an 8-ball.

I’m sorry I had to be so rough on you.

33

Just my personal preferences showing through here but that would definitely scare me off, especially after only two or three dates. However, interestingly enough, I don’t think it would scare me away (and would probably actually be a turn on) if a woman posed the exact same question to me in in a normal tone of voice in a casual, private conversation, rather than in a whisper. But then, I’m weird.

34

I like to take the direct approach with guys, personally. I figure if he’s the type of guy who’s scared of a sexually aggressive chick, there’s no future for our relationship anyway, so I just throw my, uh, cards on the table, as it were. In other words, a guy who’d be scared of me ASKING “what do you like in bed” is DEFINITELY gonna be scared of what I like in bed…

Also, it’s worth noting that casual sex CAN in fact lead to LTRs. I took my BF home with me the night I met him, looking at him basically as a piece of meat, & we’re still happily together two & a half years later.

35

Thanks again to everyone for the responses.

I am well aware of the double-standard. But since at this point I am looking for a fling, I think I’ll stick with my general approach :). Maybe I’ll extend it to the 5 date rule.

Of course, the logical extentions of “If you want a LTR, make him wait” is “If you think you might want to marry the guy, wait til your honeymoon.” :wink:

It seems like the pathological extension of this attitude in a man is the always endearing “Madanna/Whore complex” - guys who literally can’t get it up if they love and respect you, but if they think you’re a slut, no problem. I have a friend who dated a guy like his for a while. Needless to say it didn’t last long.

One thing I’ve noticed here (mainly in this thread), is that the SDMB male population is most definitely not an random sample. Almost everyone ranked intelligence and confidence as desirable qualities in women. I have met a lot of men who are intimidated by intelligent, confident, succesful women. I refuse to play dumb for anyone. I knew you guys were a more enlightened bunch (of course, there are exceptions, but I’ll decline to name them ;)).

A few specific comments:

Omni, yes, I am still planning on attending ChiDope. :wink:
Crunchy Frog, so sorry to disappoint :rolleyes:. But you never sent me your resume. :wink:
Handy, most women ask you that question? Gee, you must be some StudMonkey Extraordinaire. :rolleyes: Also, I personally find the idea a 3 month waiting period a sufficient condition to throw out safe(or safer, to be more accurate)-sex practices to be a bit foolhardy. But that’s me.
Stella, thanks for your POV. I tend to agree. If Mr. StudMonkey can’t handle me, that’s his problem, not mine. :smiley:
Rysdad, Cuidado! Llamas!
Spiny Norman, I probably won’t be getting to Europe til next March or April.

36

porcupine, sure. I was talking to a half deaf woman & she said she likes to play-act. So I started to play act right there to ask her if that’s what she meant & it was a lot of fun.

37

porc, I don’t think I’d wrap it up in the Madonna-whore complex, thats a bit extreme and freudian. I think alot of guys have this opinion: “I want a complete slut in the bedroom, I want her to love sex, and be 100% direct in getting it from me, but I want to feel like I’m one of a select few who get to see it.” So, but laying it out on the table like that on date 3, theres a good chance he’ll assume you do this every weekend. That gets into a whole complexity of reasons why a guy might get scared off. Everything from purtitanical upbringing, sexist fear of a womans sexuality, STD fear, or a plain old “you’re a slut” pre-judging.

The short story is, yes you’ll get laid this way. But maybe the guys who respond eagerly won’t be the best ones in the world.

38

Here is how to do it…
Once you have established that this guy is someone you are interested in and are reasonably confident that he will be receptive, you just need to show up at his place.
Make sure you are wearing…well…don’t wear much :wink:

When he opens the door give him a big smile and ask if you can come in. (You may want to call ahead so he knows you are coming over.)

Let it go from there.
Hey! It worked for me! :smiley:

39

Omni

Yeah, I know it was a quite a bit of hyperbole, but I did say it was extreme (and thankfully not too common).

And I know exactly what you’re saying. I grew up with three older brothers (though I wouldn’t discuss this with them - I will however discuss sex-toys with my sister). I knew one of my brother’s was going to get married before he did, because I could tell by the way he desribed her. Totally different attitude than the girlfriends he was just sleeping around with.

And frankly, my standards are higher than the post which started this thread might lead people to believe (if they weren’t I wouldn’t have this “problem”). Hell, if I just wanted to get laid with the only qualification being a functioning penis, I could go to any number of local bars and find any number of willing participants. The problem is finding a guy I’d want to go to bed with, not finding one who is willing.

I’m just at my sexual peak, in a dry spell, and really horny :smiley: Plus I’m on painkillers so my reasoning is impaired, resulting in this thread.

And who gave you permission to call me “porc?” :wink:

40

I would like to say I knew this guy for years as an aquaintance…as far as your stud-monkey goes…if that’s all you want give it a shot.

My friend with benefits liked my direct approach.