I talked to this 19 year old from another site. She posted in the forum section and then got real defensive with the responses. I finally sent her a PM. She slept with a guy she just met. She is very weak due to something terrible happening to her and feels she has to say yes when a guy comes onto her. I told her to be strong and say no if she didn’t want to sleep with him.
It also made me think when I told a guy no…he broke up with me a week later so then I knew he just wanted sex.
My question is: What do you do if a woman tells you no? Is that the last she hears from you? Do you respect her for speaking up and letting you know she is not ready?
Every advice book I have (ok, I lied, I don’t have any), says “Persistance is the key!”
I suppose it depends on whether or not I feel she will waver. Is she a firm person, or someone who can be worn down?
It’s been quite a while since I’ve had to think about this. I think it would depend on her mind. Is she fascinating to talk to? Is she smart? If so, I’m there for the second and third date, even without sex. If conversation is a struggle or boring, it’s sex or no more dates.
I’m not a guy. But I’ve said “no” to a lot of guys.
I’ve known a few guys who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. I ended up being the one to just get up and leave. There were a similar amount who respected my wishes–we had fun anyway, and that was that.
My most recent boyfriend respected my wishes to wait, but we ended up being incompatible anyway (maybe because I wanted to wait too long for him–he seemed to take it as something of an insult) and never got around to sex. We lasted three months, overall.
I know you were asking this question of men, but it was too thought-provoking to pass up.
I’ve continued to date two women who were “saving it for marriage” or “not ready yet”, so there was only a short-term “no”, more of a macro “not yet”. I said, “Cool,” and we kept dating. Both wanted to have sex before it was all over, though, and I humbly obliged them.
If she tells me no, I thank her for having the spine to be honest. Then maybe I’ll ask her to lunch or something, depending on the circumstances. If she’s not ready, I’ll wait. If she just wants to be friends, I’ll be her friend. But, there is nothing I hate more than to be teased.
I’m simple; most guys are. I’d love a yes, I can deal with a no, but I can’t stand a maybe, because in my experience a “maybe” is a spineless no. However, there’s a corrolary. There are times when “maybe” and “not yet” are indistinguishable. It ain’t spineless, just the human condition.
For me, it’s how she tells me what she wants. I ain’t psychic. All I want is honesty.
I don’t have any real experience with this situation, I’m surprised to realise. I could say that I’m irresistable, but more honest would be that I never take the chance to hear no - I always find I’m letting the women take the initiative and so far I’m pretty happy with that (notice that always sounds a bit more experienced than I really am, which is, lets say, even somewhat more modest than Hugh Grant in Four Weddings).
Come to think of it, I did hear “No” once, in a sense, except that I hadn’t asked anything - she was just trying to figure out how to tell me she wanted me to stay around at night but not for going the whole way.
I have, on the other hand, said “No” myself. For instance someone met me for a second time on a party, and she asked me to spend the night with her. I agreed, but I wasn’t ready to go beyond just cuddling up. At one point she asked me, somewhat annoyed, if anything was going to happen tonight. I told her that I couldn’t, and would much rather just ‘spoon’ and sleep. Not sure if she fell in love with me right there and then, but we were together for some 6 weeks.
My recommendation, always say “No” to someone you don’t feel like sleeping with. No guy who can’t take “No” when you’re not ready can possibly be worth sleeping with, let alone against your will.
If it initiate, it usually means we’ve already been sexually intimate, that it’s already established that yes we do that kind of thing, etc. At some other, later time I might express interest again, not assuming that the prior “no” meant “never again” unless we discussed it and it was explained that she meant “never again”.
On the rare times when I initiate with someone I’ve never had sex with before… well, usually it’s more like little dance steps, you do something to lead us closer to it happening and I do something to lead us closer and so on, so really neither party is initiating to the exclusion of the other and if she doesn’t reciprocate with little “getting closer” dance steps it doesn’t happen and no one has to say “no” and no one has to slink off feeling awkward… but still, sometimes this or that invitation or suggestion is more “forward” than others might be, and if I make one like that and she says “no”, the next one has to come from her.
He’s obviously interested in her on some level, i.e. physically, or he wouldn’t have asked for or agreed to the date. Or are you asking why someone would want to have sex with someone they don’t find mentally engaging? I’m sure the best sex is when the mind and body are both fully involved but it’s also quite often purely physical or hormonal.
Wait, there are guys out there who really ask to sleep with you on the very first date? I’d have to say no, no matter how interesting I thought the guy is.
I’m only half kidding. Men are dogs. I know, I’m both. However, this doesn’t mean I don’t respect the women I sleep with. Real men have at least some semblance of honor. If you hook up with somebody for one night based on physical attraction alone - fine. If you pressure a girl who isn’t ready to have sex with you - decidedly not fine. If sex isn’t desired by both parties, then it’s akin to rape. But sometimes, it is just about sex. And neither party should lose respect for the other one afterward.
As for myself, I prefer monogamy. But I’d be lying if I said I’d turn down a one night stand when I wasn’t dating anybody.
If a guy says ‘No’ to me. (Which may happen with the most recent guy I’ve been seeing.) I am willing to go back to being friends. I respect him for speaking up and for holding sex in high value, but I just want sex and occasional companionship, not a serious relationship.
If a guy did the same thing for me, I would understand it, although it does annoy me when they refuse to be friends with you and you lose a good friend out of it.
Nothing wrong with that, so long as the guys understand what your rules are. Trouble is, every woman has different rules. Some women will sleep with a guy unless he asks her for a date, because that would imply the “threat” of a relationship.
