(I’m the Prime Minister of Canada, you dope, I don’t work in your office! :D)
Weeeeell… drop the tarriffs on softwood lumber and hire some sexy young guys for the Canadian Consulates and we’ll talk. 
I’d like to be Secretary of State, specifically the state of Delight. My qualifications are obvious. I think that what this country really needs is a really good party with booze and stuff, not one of those stuffy, old political parties. I’d lobby to make it a federal law that everybody have a good time or else we’d turn them over to the Party Police who would bring them to police stations and force them to party until they saw the error of their non-partying ways. This may be harsh but sometimes we have to make the tough decisions. It would also guarantee that your terms of office would be memorable (if anybody has any brain cells left to remember anything after all that partying.)
Oooh, yes – I think we definitely need to run the Monstre campaign on a new and better party. Food and drink will be a must. And no long boring speeches at the conventions – better entertainment will be required. Care to be Party Chairman?
I feel that your government really needs someone like me to be in charge of …something. Furthermore, I have taken note that you have no sexy Southern girls in charge of anything currently, so I’d hate to have to take you to court over this obvious slight. My people must have a voice in your government!
Hey, wait a minute! The Undersecretary in charge of Cats is southern. Born in Montgomery, Alabama and I’ve lived 39 of my 44 year in the south.
Did someone let the cats out of the Lincoln Bedroom again? Just 'cause you want to jump on the bed…
Rats, I forgot about you…still though, we need more representation. You cannot have too many cute Southern girls, right?
Well, I can’t. So hurry up and join me in the Presidential Hot Tub and bring all your cute southern girl friends.
Also… Now taking applications for Secretary of Backrubs.
I don’t think the Presidential Cats would enjoy the Presidential Hot Tub, so let me track them down and lock them up - save a place for me!
Don’t be silly, your last name isn’t Clinton OR Bush. You can’t get into this, erm, Duo-archy.
Your name ISN’T Clinton or Bush, is it? :eek:
Clinton and Bush on toast…
::: puts away his book, “To Serve Man” :::
ermmm… ARE, I mean. Clinton and Bush are toast. Once the Monstre starts campaigning.
Gosh, there are so many of them… mewing all over the place. I hope at least they are taking care of the rat problem.
I’d send the cats over to clear out the rats from the Capitol building, but I’m afraid afterwards we wouldn’t have a quorum in the House or the Senate…
Out of curiosity, will El Presidente Monstre be giving a P. Vegetative State of the Union Address any time soon?
Ah yes. I believe we should call it the Keg Party.
But that’s just me.
If selected to serve as Secretary of Kegs, I will use taxpayer’s money wisely to travel to whichever part of this great nation claims to have the best comestibles and conduct a rigourous and detailed oral examination of each contestant. Chicago, Boston, Anchorage, Maui, San Juan, New Orl–whoops–New York, St. Croix, Malibu–no city will be too large or too interesting for me to skip.
My needs will be simple: a driver to conduct me and my staff (consisting of a few qualified friends of mine, and we’re all very demographically diverse!) to and especially from the <strikeout>bars</strikeout>research sites, lodging in mid-priced but still nice hotels in the heart of the, er, research district of each city, and a trifling salary of $250,000 a year.
Of course, the friendly competition and ad revenue generated by my well-heralded visits to each brewery will quickly pay all the costs of this position as well as feelings of goodwill as countless Americans hoist countless steins to the forward-thinking and handsome President Monstre.
Thank you for your consideration.
Yes, and it will be expected that the audience will applaud wildly for 30 seconds after every word I speak. Fortunately, the speech will be short, food and drink will follow and flow freely for those in attendance, and any talking heads on network news who overanalyze the speech for an hour afterwards (pre-empting your favorite shows) will be summarily executed.
(and “The Persistent Vegetative State” was too long for the “Location” field, dammit…)
Can I be in charge of your secret service body guards? I’m not too bad seeking out assassins and tearing them assunder, and I have a certain liking for stopping bullets with my teeth.
I’ll also settle for Grand Captain of the Vigillante Death Squad.
I’ll second this! He’s really good with that axe, breaking down doors, rescuing maidens, destroying demons…where was I? Oh! Right! Let’s keep him!
… And immediately put him in charge of security for the Vice President and the Secretary of Female Studies.
Yes, I think you’d make a good Captain of the Brute Squad.
::: looks closer :::
You may want to see a good dentist about that last bit, though.
Hey now, let’s not be hasty. Some of my best friends are demons. It’s those damnable Knights in Shiny Armor that you have to watch out for. Going around attacking Monstres for no reason… no reason at all… arrogant, vain, smarmy gits, the lot of them.
You take a few of them down for me, Axe-Guy, and you’ll be in quick line for a pay raise and a new helmet!
Oh, right. I like knights in shiny armor, though. Usually they’re rescuing the likes of me from the likes of you.