In the spirit of this thread, I suggest this and this are appropriately blasphemous as well.
Jesus was not a normal zombie. He was a Holy Ghost Zombie. They have unusual qualities:
He was neither fast, nor slow, but atemporal. Existing outside of space and time upon His return, He is/was everywhere at once, movement vectors and velocity simply ceased to apply upon His reanimation.
As an atemporal zombie, Jesus eats atemporal brains, aka “minds.”
If we can use the “Which is smarter, dogs or cats?” definition of intelligence, it becomes clear that the Zombie Jesus is way intelligent as he has become quite adept at consuming an astounding quanitity of “miiiiinds.”
Not a coma; a full stop. I believe medical history is light on instances of people becoming comatose midway through execution.
I think you’re all distracted by more common undead. Jesus isn’t such a petty undead being, he’s much more powerful than that.
Clearly Jesus consumed souls. He even trained a bunch of men to go out and save them for him. Consuming (even metaphorically) his flesh and blood made you a part of him, dedicated to the proposition of harvesting more souls. His staged “death” was to allow him to enter the Underworld, wherein all the souls who had previously died were sent. Hence, no soul is safe from him anymore.
This gives new meaning to when his worshipers ask if you’ve been ‘saved’.
Not as extreme, but I remember getting chocolate crosses in my Easter basket. The mould was usually a cross with flowers draped over it.
The one full of water, so he won’t burst into flame. And locked from the outside - they don’t want him to interfere with anything.
And he can’t miracle his way out, because they warded everything with crucifixes, which as a vampire Jesus can’t do anything with. Ironic, isn’t it ?
Wasn’t there that one commedian, who pointed out that when Jesus returns, the last thing He’ll want to look at is a cross?
I just found this graphic the other day and got a good chuckle out of it: Happy Zombie Jesus Day!
Pray for me all you want, and you get my serious thanks [I am a deist, not an atheist or agnostic]
however
I saw this as a joke. My husband the episcopalian saw this as a joke. Our roomie the souther baptist [she has tried to explain which flavor, and I still have absolutely no idea what to call her and she is content for me to call her a southern baptist because she is baptist and from the south] sees this as a joke.
mrAru’s comment is vampire not zombie - he pointed out that he would have to do a little rereading, but he thinks that Jesus only appeared the few times to the marys and apostles in the very early morning [just at dawn] and evening. The southern baptist dissents and says clearly a fast zombie.
Myself? I think vampire. I have read a few novels where the person bit didnt actually die from the bite and ended up a vampire through viral action.
Although ghoul might also work … arent they also a form of undead like a vampire, but able to go out in the light?
I see but am not bothering to click on the links to all the Zombie Jesus movies.
So this means that the phrase “Zombie Jesus” isn’t a creation of Professor Farnsworth’s? I thought the old dear invented it all on his own. Not that I ever get to hear him say it, as I only have Tivo recordings of the broadcast Futurama episodes.
Is anyone else hearing “Happy Zombie Jesus Day” being sung to the tune of the “Happy Happy Turkey Day” song from Addams’ Family Values?
Has anybody considered that maybe, just maybe, it’s the overabundance of crosses, in churches, around necks, hanging from automobile mirrors etc., that is actually preventing the return of Jesus? 
My flowers have mould on them. And they’re cross.
>Rubs chin thoughfully<
Mmmm you may be onto something here
Bill Hicks.
Don’t invite him into your house! He can’t get in if you don’t invite him.
Hey…is that why those proselytizers are always asking me if I’ve let Jesus into my heart?
As a Jew, I demand an equally blasphemous thread mocking my religion.
I expect one by Passover.
Of course, DocCathode - it’s only common courtesy, after all. I’d be happy to start one a day or so before Passover starts. 
Couldn’t this be explained by a simple desire to keep His followers from seeing His Hideous Zombie Nature? In Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods”, a zombie character takes a night-shift job at a gas station simply to help prevent people from noticing that she’s, well, rotting. Jesus could have done the same thing.
Fat chance. 