I’m putting this here because I want to have a discussion about what people are doing now, not get bogged down in anecdotes about what kind of nonsense went down on Thanksgiving 1965 at Aunt Sylvia’s house.
Okay, someone in my acquaintance, but who I don’t know well enough to debate with, was in a huff because she (childless 40something) was at her nephew’s high school graduation party. Hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill. Thirteen people: eight adults and five “children”, ages 13 to 19. IOW, not babies, not toddlers or even grade-schoolers. The patio table seated ten; the dining room table seated six. There were enough place settings (and food) for everyone, but clearly not everyone could fit around the patio table.
So my acquaintance was chewing glass all that afternoon because Graduate and the other four teenagers had had the nerve!!! to plunk themselves down at the patio table and talk!!! to the adults. “Not one adult had the guts to direct them inside to The Kids’ Table! I had to perch on the edge of a brick flowerbed!..Well, because I shouldn’t have had to sit inside!!!..Why did they want to hang out with adults anyway?! When I was a teenager, I loved to sit at The Kids’ Table because then I could get away with murder!” Apparently she was fantasizing about pointing to the patio doors, like a traffic cop, and barking, “Okay, everybody under 21 inside – NOW!” But she couldn’t because she wasn’t the hostess, and the hostess was allegedly “too much of a pushover” to Do What Must Be Done.
Whatever. Didn’t want to get into it with a friend-of-a-friend. But I see it like this.
The Kids’ Table was reasonable during the Wonder Years, when children and teenagers most likely outnumbered the adults at family/church/whatever gatherings, and there was barely enough seating for everyone as it was. But that was a heck of a long time ago, and we all know that people are just not having as many kids as they used to. TKT, if there was one at some dinners I’ve been to, would likely consist of one kid. And that’s cruel.
This didn’t really become clear until I thought about it afterwards, but…One thing that really seemed to grind this woman’s gears was that the graduate was “monopolizing” his grandmother. I guess he was still too young, or the age gap was too vast, for him to be properly allowed audience with her. Except, what difference does it make? Maybe he :gasp: learned something during Covid/quaratine, and actually wants to talk to Grandma while he still can. Plus which, it makes no sense to say “We’re having a party in your honor, but get your cooties away from us! Yeah, congratulations and all that, but you still can’t eat with us.”
From what I’ve observed about children in recent years, they’re not interested in “getting away with murder”. They don’t want to throw food or have burping contests or sing loud, obnoxious “school bus” songs, at least, not when adults are within earshot. If they can curb themselves, and if they’re honestly interested in talking and spending time with adults, why discourage that?
And as mentioned before, these were teenagers! There were no children at this party; there were adults and teenagers. I honestly think it’s reasonable for those ages to mix, if they want to. Unless the teens are being sullen and rebellious and emo, but if that was the case, I should think the hostess would not have had a party for one of them and invited the others. If they wanted to socialize with adults, I think that made them, by definition, mature enough to do so.
Things have changed in the last 50+ years. And IMO, if teenagers, together or separately, want to talk and hang out with adults, when the opportunity presents itself, and their parents are okay with that, I don’t think that’s a sign that society is crumbling. I think it’s a sign that society is getting better.
A kids’ table makes sense… for kids. Most people prefer socializing with their peers, even if they’re not “getting away with something”, and an eight-year-old, say, is likely to be bored by adult conversation. But if someone is old enough to want to sit at the adult table, then they’re old enough to sit at the adult table. Which probably applies to most teenagers. And this applies especially so to a graduation party, where the whole point is that someone has crossed one of the major milestones from childhood to adulthood.
Yeah, the acquaintance lost the argument the moment you brought up older teenagers. Kripes, I was already married at 19, to the same gal I’m still married to 41 years later. Kids tables are for younger kids, not adolescents as long as they are polite and behaving.
And who wants to shoo away anyone of any age conversing with their Grandparents at a family function?
We still have a kids table at Thanksgiving – basically, it has become an overflow table and the youngest people end up there. So, for my extended family, that ranges from 16 to 23, but it’s the same people who were there when they were 6 to 13.
We still have a kids table at Thanksgiving – basically, it has become an overflow table and the youngest people end up there. So, for my extended family, that ranges from 16 to 23, but it’s the same people who were there when they were 6 to 13.
Yeah, I was thinking about that. In large families, in which someone has to die (or move to assisted living) for a spot to open up, over time the population of The Kids’ Table moves up in age, and it becomes The Crummy Table.
I was at that table at my grandparents until my late teens and sat with people in their twenties. It was always the best table, with more jokes and gags, and no political arguments. And, this was back when political arguments were much more reasonable than today.
…oh. What I meant was that the table itself was crummy, being the shaky card table, or having one leg shorter than the others, or whatever kept it from being an everyday table. Not to imply that the people at the table were crummy!
Seems to me that that person had quite other issues, and was simply deflecting/projecting them on to who sat where - which is really not the business of a guest in someone else’s house.
Yeah, I think so too. This was her husband’s family, so there you go. She’s skinny enough that she presumably could have “perched on the edge of a brick flowerbed” without mishap, even while eating, so that wouldn’t have to be degrading. If she felt humiliated, that’s how she chose to see it. For one thing, she could have asked to bring another chair outside.
Yeah, she sounds like a crazy control freak. If it hadn’t been the kids’ table, she would have found something else to generate drama about.
But that’s not the topic of the thread.
I have two kids, 7 and 10. At this type of event, I prefer them to sit in mixed company with adults because they learn how to make conversation and mind their manners (eat properly, don’t interrupt, etc etc). When they’re relegated to a child table they revert to their natural savagery.
They get their opportunity to play with the other kids and run around like adorable monsters after the meal, when the adults have moved on to the cocktail phase of the agenda.
At large events, we have the reverse - there’s an Old People table/s for the wrinklies, and an Everyone Else table/s for adults and their post-toddler kids. If there are toddlers, they are either in adult laps or in a playroom.
How are kids going to learn to behave in company if you ghettoise them?
I always kinda resented the Kid’s Table when I was a kid. I don’t much respect the concept now. I always prefer mixed groups and non-assigned seats, which is pretty much how we’ve done it in my family most of the time since I’ve been an adult. When the food hits the table people more or less randomly sort themselves into the nearest seat. If the youngsters prefer to retreat to a different table, that’s fine.
I can report on modern British, Jamaican and Chinese culture. In none of these have I ever seen a kids table.
(I know this doesn’t help the OP, who presumably was referring to US norms, but since it’s been answered I thought I could answer the general question)
In Chinese culture just 20-30 years ago it was still common for girls to have to eat separately (not boys) but thankfully this convention has died.
At my house we had two tables. A kids table and the family table. No one is forced to sit at either table.
What usually winds up happening is, everyone sits at the family table except for a few of the older teenagers that think they are too cool to sit with us boring adults.
At some point, one of the braver teens will come and ask their parental unit if they can pour themselves a glass of wine. To which the answer is usually yes. But just one glass though. So now they get to feel extra cool at the cool kids table. Lol
This was never a problem 50 years ago. We weren’t ghettoised, because we had had plenty of practice at home.
The kids knew that we had to behave in company at a big holiday event(when we were sitting at our own table), by the same rules as a regular dinner table every night with just Mom and Dad. Eat most of what’s on your plate, laugh till somebody tells you to stop, shout only once or twice, kick your little brother’s legs under the table only once,…and then after eating, run off and go play. .
Nowadays of course it’s different because of two things:
At the big event, there often aren’t enough kids to fill their own table.
And in everyday life, families don’t routinely all sit down together every night.
So the kids sit with the adults, learning socialization skills .
And as the OP states, the “Kid’s Table” is outdated.
When I was a kid I preferred the kids table and being away from my parents at such events. Haven’t seen one or heard of one for a long time. Later on at my own house it didn’t come up because our dining room table was huge with large leaves that could extend it. It was actually a conference table and could seat 20 without a problem. However, I can’t think of a time where there enough kids to have their own table even if our table was much smaller.
We have hosted a Chinese/Lunar New Year dinner for about ten years (sadly not this year because of COVID). 25-30 people with 8-10 kids. Ten years ago the kids aged infant to 10. There was a kids table set up in the “great room” which is open to the dining room. CNY dinner is “family style” so I had to make serving dishes of each kind for both tables. There was no “kids food”.
By 2020, most of the “kids” were 14-20 and both tables were mixed. The separation was more by “conversation in English” vs “conversation in Chinese”. I still separated each dish onto two serving platters, one per table. This is a non-trivial task with at least 10 “courses” on offer.
We have a large dining table stored in the basement that I bring up and assemble each year for this event, as well as eight matching chairs. This is proper furniture, not a folding table and chairs. Takes me a good hour or more to set up.