I have a few random things I say sometimes. I think they count as non sequiturs. Anyways, my personal faves:
Shut your whore mouth. I have said this a few times to my gf, always as a joke. It gets peoples’ attention, that’s for sure. For instance: sitting around at home entertaining friends, my gf asks if I’d like anything from the kitchen. I reply, “YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!” Translation: “No thanks honey, I’m good”.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU??. I’ve sent this as a text message (always all caps) to friends on occasions when I was bored. It livens things up, putting the recipient on the defensive. They immediately think that they’ve screwed up something; forgotten to meet me, forgotten an offer of a ride, etc. The return text is typically along the lines of, “sorry. got busy. be there soon. where are ya?”
You ever done time?. I must have “that kinda face”, people always think we’ve met. They ask if we’ve met and I reply with the non sequitur. It really shakes some people up, especially if said in a slightly menacing way. My gf hates this one and I have discontinued using it if I’m with her.
We need to talk. Another random text message. Translation: “Hey buddy, we haven’t chatted lately. Let’s grab a drink and talk!” People misunderstand my intent.
Anyone else have one they use?
When I’m with people and someone else comes in, sometimes I’ll act as though I’m finishing a joke with the punchline, “and I said, that’s no pudding! That’s my wife.” Dunno why.
Along similar lines to your texting habits, when I was in college and I knew someone was in the dining hall, I’d send them a text asking if I could eat with them. They’d say yes and ask where I was so they could direct me to their table and I would pick a spot like by the cereal or the bread table and they’d get more and more frustrated, “I’m at the cereal and I don’t see you!” “Oh, I stopped at the salad bar, can’t you see me, I’m waving.” “No, there’s literally no one at the salad bar.” “I’m jumping up and down!”
I was on vacation with a friend, and we passed one of those giant inflatable statue things – a huge penguin. This was long enough ago, these things were quite uncommon. Nowadays, they’re a Halloween front yard staple, but not back then.
I exclaimed, involuntarily, “Fuck my doctor!”
My friend lost it completely, and, since then, “Fuck my doctor!” has been our go-to response to things that are big and surprising.
(My doctor is very pretty and sweet, and I’d be happy to make love to her.)
You had to be there. I can’t explain it. I can explain what happened and why I said it, but to this day I don’t know why it was so funny, other than the look on my son’s face that clearly said that he though that I’d lost my mind.
Neither one of us can explain the event without laughing and if I try to explain it with him in the room, shaking his head, I will lose it completely - just laugh until I can’t breathe. Shoot, just writing this and reading it through for typos has me snorting.
“…so the bear takes the squirrel…” The punchline from the joke about a bear and a squirrel shitting in the woods, and the bear asks the squirrel if shit sticks to his fur too; when the squirrel answers yes, you get the punchline. Friends of mine and I in college started using this for some reason and it’s stuck.
One of my old drinking buddies had a habit of sort of drifting off mentally in the middle of a conversation; you’d see his eyes focus elsewhere and you knew he wasn’t really paying attention. When this happened, I got into the habit of randomly inserting the line, "So then the elephant shit a bale of hay in the hallway . . . " – which is a completely nonsensical phrase that has the benefit of being an actual quote I once read:It’s from a story producer Buck Houghton told about working on The Twilight Zone; the episode “A World of His Own” involved an elephant, and he was recounting the difficulties of working with the animal (I think this is in Marc Scott Zicree’s Twilight Zone Companion).Anyway. At that point he’d usually register someone said something really strange and snap back into the present moment.
Another had-to-be-there, I expect. An ex-boyfriend once answered my phone with the phrase, knowing the stranger on the other end thought they were calling Domino’s Pizza (my number was one digit off, we didn’t know the Caller ID, etc.). It just tickled my funny bone in that particular way that sticks with ya. So now it’s my go to name for things that need naming.
“We need a name for the softball team!”
“Bob’s House of Cheese?”
“Where are you going on your honeymoon?”
“Bob’s House of Cheese.”
I have thusfar refrained from actually naming a pet or child Bob’s House of Cheese, but it’s very tempting.