So I was walking downtown and there was this strange man standing in the alley. What was strange about him was that everytime someone passed by he would make an off-the-wall comment. When I walked past him he mumbled something incoherent.
On my way back, I passed him again. This time I stood there to hear just what he had to say. I’m standing there and he says, “That’s sacred ground.” I blink. What?! The way he said it made me laugh so hard afterwards.
My brother-in-law used to work for the phone company.
If it wasn’t for that horse, I’d never have gone to college.
I was going to be a doctor, but I couldn’t just leave the weiner cart.
My trombone is completely full of Gatorade so I really can’t host the cook-out, sorry.
…then cook the Jeans at 450 for 20 minutes. Wait, you said capris?
Rubber stoppers, RUBBER STOPPERS, FERCHRISSAKE RUBBER STOPPERS!!11!!!
Dude, I don’t know what kind of snow globe you’re using but would you care to yodel with me?
I used to work for the phone company, but I am not his BIL.
Did you remember to tell your mother about the fig tree?
This is, on my honor as a journalist, absolutely true: In a hotly contested sheriff’s office race in my local county (in which there are almost DAILY developments of EARTH SHAKING importance!) one candidate actually said: “Yes, he has more than twenty years experience. But I will never lie to you.”
No shit. He *actually * said that. And he *won * the fucking primary!!
A friend was telling me about a conversation that she had with two other people. One of the people had seen a Discovery Special about polar bears, and he was desperately trying to interject what he had learned, but the other two people kept talking about…you know, stuff, but not polar bears.
Anyway, there was finally a pause in the conversation, in which the friend interjected, “Speaking of polar bears…”
Which cracked me up, upon hearing the story, and now its an in joke among friends and family, when you want to abruptly change the subject. If you don’t know the story, though, its a complete non-sequitur.
(There’s a similar story in the book Homicide about black sand, as I recall.)
Cheers,
G
Today, I was sitting on a bench in one of the quads eating lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. A few yards in front of us, sitting on the grass talking is a group of girls. My friend and I are talking and in a brief break in the flow of our conversation, we hear one of the girls say (loudly) “animal semen.”
I have no clue of the context, but something made this girl shout “animal semen” in a crowded quad. My friend and I exchange “did I just hear that glances” followed by “yeah you did” nods and just silently mutually agreed not to ask.
Unfortunately I’m all out of shoe polish. 
Snakes? On a goddamn plane?
This reminds me of a thread that I started last year. Here’s the OP:
My breath smells like people food.