The other day as I was walking out of my local cell phone store, I could have sworn I heard someone at the counter say, “And if you have a cell phone, you can talk to Jesus!”
I teach college, and one of my classes this semester was a long, 3-hour class. I would generally give the students a ten-minute break in the middle, so they could go out and stretch their legs, grab a drink, use the bathroom, etc.
A few weeks ago, almost everyone was back in their seat ready for the second half of the class, and the last two students walked in talking. One of them is pretty loud, and the class was pretty quiet, and all we hard as she came in the door was:
“…and his testicles were still intact.”
There was a stunned silence in the classroom, then everyone started laughing, until the student explained that she was talking about a cat-neutering service.
Not at all. I have a list of things that one can do in an elevator just to feak other people out. Like, as soon as the other person gets in you can say, “Greetings, honored guest. I am called the Admiral, and I am the lord of all that you see here,” at this point you turn to the back of the elevator and gesture to encompass the imaginary land back there. You then proceed to pretend like the other person is some kind of ambassador or something and you’re having a conversation with him or her.
Nigel Rees had a book of these called Eavesdroppings. My favourite was a guy walking across a quadrangle in Oxford, and there are two Dons in animated discussion walking past him, one ticking points off his fingers. As they pass all he hears is “… and ninthly …”.
Someone at my school set up a facebook thread for this sort of thing. Here are some of the ones I’ve contributed:
“…that wasn’t a woman, that was a guy wearing a suit with a pirate hook carrying a briefcase.”
“…my ex-girlfriend thought I was getting with a mermaid.”
“…16-inch long vagina…”
“…Chris, you would kill your kid if it was a girl, right?”
“What we need is a healthy dance-down.”
“…I tried to get him to dance with the girl with the broken leg and I was going to take the guy in the wheelchair, but it turned out that there was an 80-year-old man behind me so I grinded on him…”
Thank you for reminding me of the, “two minute rule”. I don’t know if the concept exists elsewhere, but in my old circle of friends, if you walked in on a crazy conversation after about two minutes, we were not backing up to explain it to you. I started writing down our best ones in a ratty old notebook. I’ll go get it.
…and we were running down the street, chasing after his balls…
Aphrodite was the one with the removable breasts.
I vibrated all the way home.
If you pick him up and shake him, his butt rattles!
Person 1: Did it smell like a dead person or a dead animal?
Person 2: I don’t know, I don’t go around sniffing corpses.
Don’t be boring, just don’t ask me to sing to my vagina.
Thank you for the unnecessary snarkiness. I know what it is. Duh. “If it weren’t for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college.” But like Mr. Black says, what does she mean? Did she ride the horse to college? Did she sell the horse to pay for tuition? How is it related?
Two friends of mine were in an elevator once and when someone else entered one of them casually said to the other, “Well, I knew there was going to be a human sacrifice, but I didn’t expect so much blood!”
I had never seen this quote before, but its meaning is readily apparent to me, probably because I have a friend who takes horseback riding very seriously, to the point where she is willing to pay to have her horse kept at a ranch near her school just so she can ride it after classes.
The snippet of the quote suggests that the woman absolutely hated her classes / her dormitory / her lack of friends / whatever, but loved spending time with her horse. If she hadn’t had her horse with her, she imagines that she would have dropped out of school from the misery.
