“Of course not, that would just be too obvious. Obviously.”
…
“No, I’m not being condescending, I’m just pretending to be for your benefit.”
“—but if I told you, I’d have to kill you.”
“Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s just a story we tell children.”
“Well, it’s legal in twelve states.”
‘‘That’s not what my lawyer says!’’
you have to pay whether they sit on your lap or not.
“I’d punch a smurf if it came too close”
Spoken to my wife this very morning but in the spirit of the thread it will remain forever unexplained.
This one happened to a friend of mine. A bunch of us were in a room, talking. A friend came into the room and heard someone say, “So it’s a friendship based on glue?” 
(It did make sense in context.)
Tribbles my ass!
“Well, I knew what I meant when I said it.”
One time my sister was walking through our neighbourhood, and heard one of our neighbours say to someone: “You broke both ends! Thanks a lot!”
If it weren’t for my horse…
Have you heard the one about the nun and the blind salesman?
Okay, but let me put on some pants first.
“Is that a leg?”
Oh no, Jesus got into the cupcakes again!
We are so intercoursed!
We’d have been all right if you hadn’t farted…
Don’t look, it’s magic.