Have I just been harrassed?

In My Humble Opinion
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There’s a gentleman in my office, a foreign national who is the director of another department. Although our jobs are related only in that we work for the same company, he stops by my cube sometimes and shows interest in me, my breasts, and what we’re doing with ourselves. I should also tell you that although he is a foreign national, his English is fluent and subtle, and he is conversant in about 6 other languages as well. (In other words, he knows what he’s saying.)

He popped in just now and we chatted for a moment about the job situation, etc, then he asked me “Have you found him yet?” (This refers back to a conversation we had long ago in which he discovered I’m not married and asked me about my sex life. I blushed, looked down, and indicated I didn’t really have one. He then told me that someday I would find the right man to marry and have fun with him. He leered at me, and said “Oh, yes, I can tell, he will have a good time. Lucky man.”) I said no not yet, and he said, “Oh, yes, he is out there and you will find him. And he will have a good time. I know.” Then he gave me one last full body ogle, smiled, and went back to his office.

It’s almost as though he wants me to say, “Well, since mystery dream guy hasn’t shown up yet, if you’re free this weekend why don’t you give it a whirl?” He’s never come out and propositioned me, and I don’t feel threatened, but it is just kind of creepy. Harrassment or no?

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If it made you feel creeped out, yes, you were harrassed.

Now, that being said, since you have discussed this issue with him in the past (the first comment would’ve been the time to kybosh any sexual inuendos and such), he probably thinks its okay to talk about it further. Plus, and this isn’t to trivialize this kind of behavior, but if he’s coming from a patriarchal society (India, some South/Central American countries, Arabic countries, etc), you will need to keep this fact in mind regarding his cultural outlook towards women, especially American women. We don’t have the best reputations, unfortunately.

I’d ease up on the information and just be friendly with him. The more he wants to talk about, the more I’d just smile, be polite and say something like, “Well, I kind of try to keep my love life business to myself…ha ha” and then change the subject.

If he’s as sophisticated as you say, he should get the hint. If he doesn’t, next time say “I don’t discuss my love life” (leave the word “sex” out). If he does it again, say the same thing and then complain to your supervisor or HR.

Good luck.

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Err…well…I don’t know. I’ve found that different cultures, even Europeans, can be profoundly different in their office interpersonal relations than Americans. I’ve spent some time working in office environments in several different countries, and noticed that their are subtle differences, especially in the little “office banter” type issues.

I wouldn’t assume just from what you wrote that anything was really intended to be harrassing. I’ve seen the same sort of similar, meaningless banter from Euro’s before on many occasions. I’ve noticed on infrequent occasion that some employess in Italy, Portugal, Spain, England and France do tend to leer a bit at attractive women (but never at me - good) in the office. For the most part, the women over there are highly flattered and complimented by it - at least, as far as they show it. People do all sorts of things like that elsewhere - the kissing on the cheek thing is one example that I sometimes see frequently. I’d rather kidnap most of my co-workers and sell their organs to the highest bidder than kiss them. :wink:

It’s really tough to say what, if anything, you can do and still have a polite relationship of some sort with him. You can:

Ignore it - good, if you can.

Accept it - so long as it only stays where it currently is.

Try to deflect it by taking command of the conversation - difficult to do, but the best choice as it usually works, and is good at preventing further flirting. A problem is it can be seen as flirting back if done improperly. Then next thing you know you’re having sex with him on the terrace of a villa in Monaco, as your oiled body writhes in orgasm under the blazing Mediterranean sun…ahem.

Talk to him and telling him to stop staring at you or making comments - this is a tough one, and you may be unintentionally offending and embarassing a person who meant no harm.

Make a formal complaint - but about what, really?

Let us know how it turns out.

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Locking down this duplicate thread.