Have to enter a talent show. Have no talent....

My friend wants me to enter the talent show at the Dude Ranch with her this year. It’s a corny, family fun kind of place, and I did tell a joke last year (but my friend did not- I think she’s just jealous from last year).

Anyone know of a small skit or joke one or two talentless people could pull off in a situation like this?

If you don’t mind blatantly stealing a routine then Monty Python’s parrot sketch is just about bulletproof.

Monty Python’s “Argument Clinic” also comes to mind as a simple two-person sketch. And much of the dialog is simply to memorize, consisting of “Yes, it is!”, “No, it isn"t!”

Get a kazoo and work up a silly routine toMana Mana

You could announce that your talent is making people really uncomfortable, then go stand REALLY close to someone and just breathe heavily or maybe start whistling.

Family fun…

Family fun…

Family… fun…

The aristocrats!

An oldie from boy scout camp:

The two of you carry a blanket out on stage, and pretend to toss your friend Invisible Eddie into the air, and catch him. Eddie goes higher and higher, and the catches are more and more dramatic.

There are 2 possible endings:

First, you make a huge toss, and you wait a minute, until a compatriot in the back of the hall dumps a bunch of tin cans onto the floor, as if Eddie landed a bit off course. OOPS!! Sorry, Eddie!

Or, you make your biggest toss yet, and wait, and wait, and wait… You check your watch. Your partner pulls out a book. Finally, you shrug your shoulders and drag the blanket off stage. Later, at the end of the next act, you both come running out of the audience, spread the blanket, and catch Eddie.

Another from Scout camp…

The Saloon.

Get a volunteer (or a plant) to come on stage and get on all fours. This person is the table/bar. Have patrons order drinks. Sit those cups of water carefully on the back of your volunteer. Devise some reason for the saloon to be evacuated. Immediately start the next sketch with your poor volunteer left to stand up and get soaked.

Even better if the volunteer refuses to move and the next sketch is performed skillfully around him.

Bob up and down and go “Mmm-Hmm, Bop Bop” for five minutes.

One of my favorites from camp works equally well with a boy and girl or two of the same gender but dressed as boy/girl.

Sit next (very close) to each other on stage like you might be boyfriend & girldfriend and have a conversation that might go something like this:

Boy: I learned a lot of things at summer camp this year.
Girl: Oh really, like what?
Boy: Well, we learned how to use our hands.
Girl: Show me what you learned to do with your hands.
Boy: (nervously begin holding the girls hand) I also learned how to use my arms at summer camp.
Girl: (shyly) Can you show me how you learned to use your arms?
Boy: I sure can (as he puts his arm around her). You know… I also learned to use my lips at summer camp this year.
Girl: I’d like for you to show me how you learned to use your lips (look longingly at boy like you want a kiss).
Boy: (Get really close to girl, and then instead of kissing you ‘strum’ your lips with your finger) bbbb, bbb, bb,bb ,bb ,bb, etc.

It’s funnier in real life.

My daughter did a wonderful talent show purposely inept magic show that went over well. It is just a series of bad magic tricks -
1 - pick a card- give it to me - magician looks at bit - gives it back - “Is this your card?”
2 - magician writes something secretly on a piece of paper - has audience member pick a card - asks "is it the 10 of hearts - answer “no” - “so it is not the 10 of hearts?” - “no” - then magician reveals the paper which says “Not the ten of hearts”.
3 - gets a planted person from the audience (works best if the audience knows the have a close relationship, but go through the motions of “we have never met before” “no we haven’t, sis” - cover with a big blanket - promise to make the person disappear - point to a random location and say “Look, a distraction” and then the person runs out of the blanket.
My daughter was billed as “‘Daughter’s name’ the adequate”.

I love these card tricks. It reminds me of one similar to that where you ask the person to pick a card, memorize it, and put it back in the deck. You then thoroughly shuffle the cards. I mean THOROUGHLY shuffle them! Spread them out on the table and ‘wash’ them, Let the other person shuffle them… you get the idea. Then end the trick with "Not only has your card risen to the top of the deck… BUT IT’S CHANGED to the ??? of !!! ( as you turn over the top card of the deck).

My wife did this once and just as she got to the part where she flipped the card over and said “Not only had your card risen to the top…” her friend exclaims! “Oh My God!!! That’s Amazing!:” Yep you guessed it, after all that shuffling the target was actually on top!

Hijack: is the dude ranch Sprucedale in Arizona? Lots of memories there.

How about writing a few items along the theme of “Things I Have Learnt From Westerns.” (One of the funniest threads around)

Take some magic tricks from the Amazing Johnathan. Depending on how family it really is you may want to skip the “pulling a bird out of my hat” one but most of his stuff (minus the actual magic tricks) is easy even with no talent or memory.

Thanks, everyone. Many great ideas here!

I just tried out the two “inept card tricks” posted in this thread at one of my regular spots; got a laugh each time! Pure gold.

I was going to suggest doing a Monty Python sketch; at some summer camp when I was a kid I remember seeing a really stupid act in the “talent” show that I later saw on Monty Python (a man with a tape recorded up his nose). Use a sketch that’s actually funny though: the Argument Clinic, edited to just the Palin/Cleese segment, sounds like a great idea. You could probably even ad-lib most of it.

Bandera, Texas. The Cowboy Capitol of the World!

If you want to sing, you can try a song you don’t need to be able to carry a tune to do while still retaining some vestige of credibility. My favourite for that purpose is King of the Road by Roger Miller. Everyone knows it, and you just kind of talk it - you don’t need any sort of pitch control at all.