Ack! I am in dire need of Doper assistance. I have been notified that I am to participate in what is, for all intents and purposes, a beauty pageant. You know, swimsuit competition, evening wear, etc. I am a guy. I am an ugly guy. I am an ugly guy who is pale and not at all in shape.
But what worries me more than frightening the audience with my pasty paunchiness is the talent competition. I have no talent whatsoever. I can neither sing, dance, act, juggle, twirl batons, ride mechanical bulls, be shot out of canons, or recite umpteen digits of pi accompanying myself on bongos. So I implore you, Dopers, suggest to me funny things that a completely talentless 24-yr-old male could do during the talent portion of the competition.
I’m thinking of doing something Andy Kaufman-esque. Such as playing the Mighty Mouse theme song and only doing the “Here He Comes to Save the Daaay!” part. But I don’t want to plagiarize AK directly. So, any suggestions? The funnier the better… (I have no dignity.)
Dress in a pink tutu (with tights!), a pink wig, get a magic sparkle wand, and put on some fairy wings then dance around ballet style to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy with a big cheesy smile on your face! My father did this for a Halloween contest and won first prize…it was very disturbing!
Do a striptease until they scream at you to stop. For best results have a stooge to tell you to stop before you turn the show illegal.
Get a fake hand and a few fake blood packs. Get someone to wear fake hand and plant them in the audience. Do a magic trick involving an axe and a member from the audience. Remember that screaming is good.
Hmm. Some good ideas here. Unfortunately, I lack props. Books, however, I could get out of the university library. The Finnegan’s Wake bit reminds me of the time Andy Kaufman read The Great Gatsby on stage.
One idea pitched to me by my “friends” – the same ones who nominated me for this gig, was to demonstrate my dodge ball skills. By giving everyone in the audience an egg.
They also suggested that I demonstrate my ability to take a punch to the face.
I remember once back in the '60s a Miss America contestant had as her talent – packing a suitcase. Perhaps you could do something quite, er, mundane and pointless like that.
Two things occur to me: First, you could do “how to make a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich.” Judging by the OP, you’re a funny guy and should be able to develop some schtick to go along with it – “creamy vs. crunchy” could be a whole segment of the presentation, and then there’s the whole “trimming to crusts or not?” issue.
My other idea was origami with a big honking piece of paper – like 3 foot by 3 foot. Yeah, okay, I know you don’t know how to do origami – but I’m sure there’s all kinds of how-to stuff out there, and I think a crane is pretty easy. So you’re up there talking away and you end up with a big paper bird.
Read some avante gard poetry from the beat period. Play the beatnik thing to the max. Ask some shills in the audience to snap their fingers rather than applaud.
Borrow a keyboard from the music department or a friend, and find the pre-recorded “demo” track. Set it to play, then pretend you’re playing the song (you should be able to hit the keys without producing sound as the song plays)
Borrow a karaoke machine and do “I Will Always Love You”. Bonus points for screeching on the key change. (Continue with “My Heart Will Go On” and “Muskrat Love” until you get booed off the stage)
An excellent idea. I have a Casio keyboard you can use to rock out on “Carribean Queen” or, if you’re feeling a little ethnic, “Unterlanders Heimweh” whilst wearing a dirndl.
Thanks for all the good ideas, and keep 'em coming!
Another one of my friends have suggested that I demonstrate the proper technique for french kissing. You know, pantomime on stage. In front of a thousand people.
