After hearing a few comments about this from acquaintances, I’m wondering how common this is: You are in a relationship that is not going well. You would end it, but after looking around to what is available, you think “Aghh :eek:”. So you stick around.
Have you done this?
No, but I have found that it’s generally not a good idea to suggest to your girlfriend that she shouldn’t leave you because nobody else’d have her…
Sort of. I’ve dated guys that I wasn’t seriously attracted to when I was in college. I did this because I felt like having a decent if not amazing boyfriend was better than being single.
That was almost a decade ago. I wouldn’t do it now.
Sort of. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last, but I had some self-esteem issues, and thought my only alternative was being alone.
I was wrong.
Sort of. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last, but I had some self-esteem issues, and thought my only alternative was being alone.
I was wrong.
I have a friend who went through this. She said she felt her current relationship had run its course, but was anxious about never finding another partner after she and her boyfriend split up, as she was verging on 30. I tried to reassure her that (a) she probably would find someone nice and (b) there’s nothing wrong with being single anyway, but it wasn’t very effective, I don’t think. She ended up being angry at me for getting married to someone older than me as it meant I was taking someone out of the dating pool for over-30 women. We don’t talk very much any more but she’s still in her relationship.
Not exactly - I have stayed with a boyfriend [back in college] because he was nice, and i had no real desire to go looking for anybody different. Not for any lack of guys hitting on me, but mainly because I knew Eric and was comfortable with him, and we both knew that we were going to split up after college and go our own separate ways. We just liked hanging out together [both of us shared interests in reading matter, movies and TV, and liked each other enough to be good friends, but a bit more than friends with benefits. ]
Nope. I’d rather be single than in an unhappy relationship.
No. I can be single and still be happy, I can’t be happy in a bad relationship.
No. There were always enough “viable mates.” I might actually have put more work into some of the relationships than I did if that hadn’t been the case.
That’s pretty much what I’m doing right now. The guy I’m dating is a bit of a douchebag much of the time and I really don’t like the way he treats me (only his needs and wants matter; mine do not).
But when I tried to pursue a guy whom I really liked and whom I thought liked me and whom I thought would treat me right, it turned out he wasn’t that into me.
So I settled for mediocre-to-sometimes-good sex and being treated okay some of the time because it’s better than nothing. However, my contempt for this guy grows, so I think the whole thing is circling the drain and soon I’ll be right back at square one: Liking great guys who don’t like me, but actually dating douchebags who do. I’ll get sick of that eventually and go back to not dating at all.
And no, I don’t blame the guys. Something is seriously fucked up with me and I’ll be damned if I can figure out what I have to fix/change/work on/get therapy for in order to be attractive to the kind of guy I’d like to be with (Someone who treats me like I matter, e.g., when I say I’m cold, instead of telling me to shut up and quit complaining, the right kind of guy would offer to bring me a blanket or make some tea or something.) I’m sure it’s totally my own fault; some blind spot I have about my personality that makes me completely repellent to men who might treat me with respect. I have done all kinds of self-esteem work, therapy, improved my self-confidence, learned to value and love myself… all that psychobabble bullshit people spew at you when you can’t seem to find someone who isn’t a jerk. I’m at a loss.
Same here.
Agreed.
Are you young, Dogzilla? If you are, you might just be learning what you WON’T put up with, instead of having something wrong with you.
I have never stayed in a relationship because of this. I would much rather be alone.
Speaking of learning as you grow up, as a 20-something I often ended relationships because I realized I wasn’t really “into” the person. One of the biggest mistakes of my life was my second marriage, where I found myself in that situation again. I’m not real proud of it, but that’s the truth of it.
See, that’s the thing. It isn’t “better than nothing”. 
No, I’m in my early 40s.
I spent my 20s and 30s blaming all the boys for my neurosis, finally got my head screwed on nice and straight, but it appears to be too late. Missed the boat. The Good Ones™ seem to have been snatched up by women who were more emotionally stable and healthy than I was, so now my options appear to be: wait for a wave of divorces.
In other news, because of this thread, I decided to decide to fish or cut bait. Gave the BF til the end of Feb. to pack up and GTFO.
Being alone is better and one thing I’ve learned recently is this: Women who pole dance do not have be single for very long if we don’t want to be. 
I’m sure another Great Awesome Guy who actually likes me back will come along one day. I just might be too old to enjoy him properly, but hey. It could still happen. I s’pose.
Yes, it is, because settling for a douchebag reminds me how much I loved being single and when I find myself single again, I vow I will never bitch about it again. Being lonely is a choice. On a more serious note, you are right. Being treated “okay” just “some of the time”* isn’t *better than nothing… when you’re lookin’ at it from the inside.
So that’s why I finally put on my big girl panties and asked him to move out. He lost his job yesterday and so I’m totally over supporting him from one crisis to the next because there’s no reciprocation of support. He agreed he’d move, job or no job. I’m fine with that, the no-job thing is his problem.
Good for you. If it makes you feel any better, I got married this last time at age 43.
It does make me feel a little bit better. What makes me feel best-better is the realization that marriage really isn’t my end goal. If you keep that off the table, it’s a lot more fun to just make friends and date around and enjoy your life.
Through the process of trying to get my head screwed on nice and straight, I realized that marriage & family obviously isn’t that important to me or else I would have taken more steps to make both happen before now. Once I took that pressure off myself: Hey, I’m not lookin’ for a lifetime mate, just Mr. For Right Now, I had a lot more fun on the dating scene. This particular Mr. FRN was just a booty call who cleverly managed to hustle me into a roommate situation. I decided that eventually I’ll really loathe myself if I let the Gravy Train continue to just sit here and feed his hustle. Train’s pulling out, Dopers! 
I thought of another encouraging story - a couple of years after my Mom passed away, my Daddy met a lady in New Orleans and they hit it off. They eventually moved in together and have been together now for about 15 years. I think Miss Judy was about 50 years old at the time they met.