Yeah, that’s what they told you…
Without going into the details, she isn’t the person she once was. I don’t think she’d appreciate that kind of attention any more.
I’ve mentioned this before, but when I was a teen, we had a family friend, the porn star Jody Maxwell. I somehow managed to regularly mow her lawn without getting laid. Years later, I suspect it was a set-up by my Dad - which was semi-confirmed when my (ex)-wife talked to Jody and found out that she had been willing but that “he didn’t seem interested”.
I was astonishingly clueless back then and didn’t manage to lose it until I was 19 in spite of having lots of close female friends. If you can spend an evening helping your close friend fold her laundry, including her black silk teddy, and not make a move (or at least ask to see her in it), you really are clueless.
My older brother, the plumber, has had his share of porn movie scenarios. He met his fiancee when he came over to fix her faucet. She had called the plumbing company asking if they had any plumbers who liked cats - she wanted to get a kitchen faucet that her cats could turn on.
I met a girl in line to get into a bar one night. Once inside, we danced, it was hot and sweaty, we started making out on the dance floor, and things were getting out of control. She led me into the ladies room and into a stall, pulled her sundress over her head & was naked underneath. She blew me then fucked me in the stall.
We left, she tossed me the keys to her convertible and told me to drive her back to her apartment. When we got there, she ran across the lawn to the community pool, she pulled her sundress off again, and dove in. I followed her and we skinny dipped for a while. Then back into her apartment where we fucked into the wee hours. In the morning, she made me breakfast while I showered, gave me a goodbye blowjob, and drove me back to my apartment.
I guess it reads like a male fantasy porno.
I don’t know if this counts. Freshman year of college, at the first big party I attended–maybe two weeks in the semester–a stately blonde from my Intro to Humanities class came up to me and said that she liked me because I was the biggest asshole in the class and would be pleased to fuck my brains out if I had the time.
Naturally, she was at least half drunk.
Equally naturally, I had time the time.
I’m happily married now and settled down, but I was also in Thailand back in my wild and crazy youth (I keep making references today to “my wild and crazy youth”; must be feeling nostalgic), and I certainly had some moments like that. Mmmmm, memories. Good memories.
'Scuse me while I go find the wife.
Can I say, on behalf of all nice guys everywhere who didn’t get a fraction of the sex we felt we were due and always saw giant assholes getting the girls:
I knew it!
I lost my virginity to a girl who worked at the local supermarket. She always checked me out, so when I needed a job I went and applied there. My first shift they put me on her register to train. I lost my virginity to her within a couple of weeks.
I had sex with two women whose windows looked into each others apartments across the shaft between the buildings in the Lower East Side of Manhattan.
I once went on a date with one Jennifer, finger-fucked another and fucked another all in the course of the night. There was Jennifer, Jenn and Jenny. Jenny is one of the girls from the first paragraph.
Jenny also I met at work and we’d go at lunch to the roof our the building we worked in and fuck. I was her backdoor man for about a year.
My first wife when we met I asked her out on a date she said she didn’t do dates and asked if I would just come over. She was a hot, exotic, buxom and curvy Israeli with long curly red hair and porcelain skin. Tits that stood perfectly despite being really large, and they were totally real.
I don’t know how well any of those fit, but that’s a few. They don’t have the immediacy of, “I was working for the cable company and…”, I have a lot of porno scene type stories of having sex in public places or awkward situations.
I used to manage a set of apartment buildings. I was youngish and naive, and married, not to mention socially inept. I manage to catch that a few of our tenants would flirt and hint from time to time, however. Although I snaked quite a few drains, I never (ahem) snaked :nudge, wink: any drains.
But…
There was this one time when I had an appointment with one of our tenants to sign another year’s lease. She was a favorite tenant - always paid her rent early, always let me know when there was a problem in the building, very easy to work with. I fought with the general manager to offer her the best deal, but I didn’t have to fight hard, because she was just the kind of tenant landlords love to hang on to.
She was also incredibly hot.
So there I was, ready to offer her this great deal, and had even prepared a list of things I could agree to on my own, like repainting her apartment, to entice her to sign the lease. She came over and before I could say much of anything she started telling me how much she liked living there, and how she would do anything to be able to stay.
She casually undoes one of the buttons on her shirt.
“Anything.”
I know I had the dorkiest ****-eating grin on my face. I know I sat there for at least a full minute trying to decide whether she knew how she was coming across (inept and naive, remember). She kept going on about how she was willing to work out *anything *with me, to be able to stay in her apartment.
Finally she leans over and touches my hand, looking plaintively into my eyes (I guess).
I handed her a pen and stuttered, “All you need to do is sign.”
We ran out of cold water that day.
Almost. Had been flirting with a family friend when everyone was home over the holidays. We had a get together at our place and she slept over in the living room. I told her later that I had stayed up wondering if I’d hear a knock on my bedroom door. She told me she had stayed up for quite a while thinking about it. Closed the deal a couple weeks later anyway.
And I probably had many more chances to bed my college roommate’s GF than my naive self even realized. I guess choosing a weekend he was out of town to come down to the apartment to watch a movie, proceed to get drunk and try to start a conversation about blow jobs was too subtle for me. On one hand, it would have been a disaster if found out and I avoided that. On the other, he spent so much time away or cheating on her, I probably missed out on some very good times with someone, who I hear, was pretty enthusiastic.
Sophomore year, in September, two young freshman girls asked me for directions to a building. I didn’t have a course to go to until 1:40 that day, so I walked them both over. They were very grateful & asked where I lived on campus. I told them the name of the dorm, but not the room number, and smiled while reminding them they were going to be late for class.
That night at 7:30pm I was walking down the hall to my room and one of the girls was at my door writing a message to me. I said hi, she said she wanted to thank me, I invited her in and…well… you know.
She rocked my world! She did things to and for me that no other woman had ever done before or has ever since. She showed me that the ‘perennial divide’ can be an erogenous zone, all by itself. I think I lost several millimeters of surface flesh in what ended up being the best 36 hour sex session of my life. You know, its just one of those times where you start to say good bye & then end up having sex again? It was like that for almost 2 days. Thank Og I had pitchers of iced tea in the mini-fridge for hydration alone.
The moral is, sometimes nice guys do finish last. Not that that’s a bad thing. 
PS- sad ending. She had a BF. She would have thrown him over for me, but I was of the wrong religion (possibly part of the attraction?). Some days I wonder if I should have converted, but realistically, I know I never would have gotten any work done… 
I had a friend who had an idea for fairy tale based show she wanted to sell to Nickleodeon. She scripted everything out and was going to make a demo tape. I was the other “actress” and she invited another friend to film it.
A few hours into this exercise, we called out to the liquor store for a delivery. The young delivery man came and saw her…dressed as little Bo Peep, me…dressed as Little Miss Muffet…and a large black man with a video camera.
My friend winked at the delivery guy and said" do you want to come help us make a movie…".
The look on his face as he bolted was priceless.
Did you miss the part where she was drunk? Because I think that has to be at least 49.999999% of the reason I got lucky that night.
Also, she decided I was simply an asshole, not a sexy one, after about two weeks.
Yes, and that’s all I can say about that.
It can and does happen. Not often, mind you, but it does.
I’ve never had a delivery man type scenario happen, but when I was younger I had my share of nightclub hook-ups and group encounters.
Now I’m a massage therapist who has had more than one man try to initiate a porno scenario, but I didn’t play along. One was just two days ago: Tenses up his butt “Man, my glutes are tight. Can you massage them under the sheet? You can put lotion ‘there’, if you want to.” Wink, wink, barf. He had pre-tipped me, too, for six whole dollars. I must give off a cheap hooker vibe, so I have that going for me…
I worked as a pizza delivery boy for a good long while in college. I asked around, and only one guy - the delivery boy for life - had anything vaguely porno-esque happen. He told me that a woman answered her door in just a t-shirt. Right when my eyebrows shot up, he says, “No, it wasn’t anything you’d want to see.”
I was offered beers and bong hits as tips regularly, though.
Yes, 3. I don’t want to give details on 2 of them but one was with my external auditor and another was with my intern. Both were stupid moves on my part, but luckily neither had any bad intentions.
The 3rd was a stripper I picked up, and I can give details. She took a liking to me as soon as I sat down in the strip club with a couple of buddies. She started buying me drinks and groping me. At the end of the night, we drove back to her house where we did the normal. But afterwards, she took me downstairs to the kitchen with a towel, had me lay down on it, and straddled me and peed on me. Luckily, since we had been drinking a bit, it was clear.
Finally, somebody who may be able to appreciate MC Frontalot’s song, “Yellow Lasers”:
http://frontalot.com/index.php/?page=lyrics&lyricid=35
Once at a time in my life when I was near the bottom but not dejected, I lived in a seedy Los Angeles motel called the “Hollywood C.” I think the “C” was because the name of the nearby street was “Cahuenga,” and it broke off. But a friend of mine said it was because it was two grades below the Hollywood A.
We lived on the top floor. On the bottom floor was a porn distributor and auto repair shop. But that’s not the fun part.
Anyway, there were a few other people not unlike me living there, working odd jobs and odd hours, and it wasn’t uncommon for someone to get off of work at the donut or chicken shop and drop by at 2AM with a bag of fresh donuts or fried chicken, no matter what we were doing. And sometimes we were fucking. Or if we weren’t, someone else was. It was a friendly time and there was only one chick that I would have liked to fuck that I didn’t. It was kinda fun driving down to Sunset Blvd to hang out with a bunch of friends and think, “Hey – I’ve fucked every one of these chicks at some time or the other!”
It’s a miracle that I never got any diseases. Wonder where they are now?
Three times:
When I was between jobs and driving cab for fill-in cash a few years ago, I had two tweakers offer to blow me for the $15 fare. Yes, they were willing to whore themselves out for $7.50 each. I passed.
Taking two girls home from a bar I had one started feeling me up on the way, escalating into a full on handjob. Yes, I did go inside when we got back to their place and went at it with her while her friend pleasured herself watching.
The last one was just last week. I was manning a tradeshow booth for my company at a medical office administrator’s conference in Vegas. I got on the elevator with two women I recognized from the sessions. They were staying on the floor above mine. They were whispering to each other on the ride up. We got to my floor and I said, “You ladies have a fun evening,” and stepped out of the elevator.
The doors started closing, then I heard them open back up. I turned around and one of the women was standing in the door. I said, “Can I help you with something?” She said, “Um, if you want to help us have a fun evening, we’ll both be in room 24XX after 10. Come alone or bring a friend.”
I replied with, “Sorry, the only thing I want to bring home to my wife is a T-shirt.” She chuckled and went back inside the car, but she did stop by the booth the next day for a product demo.