Looking for advice from those who have had to actively fall out of love with someone.
I mean, we all know when you want to fall in love, you send flowers, go for dinner, etc.
How does one fall out of love?
Remember the pain they have caused you, remember how they make you feel bad.
Sucks, been there.
If you can fall in love with someone, you can fall out of love with them too. Just look for a better life.
Crying in the shower helps.
Whistlepig
Get your act together and dump them. Either you want to be with them or you don’t. Psychological brainwashing shouldn’t be necessary.
General Questions is for questions with factual answers. IMHO is for opinions and polls. Since this is more of a poll than a factual questions, I’ll move this to IMHO for you.
Off to IMHO.
DrMatrix - GQ Moderator
I had to change my life and it required that I stop seeing someone I deeply cared for - didn’t want to stop seeing this person but I couldn’t effectively change my life without eliminating this person (among other things)
Don’t know if that is what you are getting at or not
Time may not cure all, but it can at least shrink it to a dull ache. Break off all contact with this person, as hard as it might be, and just go on with your life. In a few months, it’ll have faded into the background.
Once upon a time in a universe far, far away, I was in college. I remained involved in a high-school relationship that should have ended upon going our separate ways in the fall after high school.
It didn’t. We were In Love. We were going to make it through all the trials and tribulations of being in college apart and have a Wonderful Life Together ™.
Young and stupid.
By sophomore year, we just about hated each other, but couldn’t live without each other. She was dating someone else, I was dating someone else, but back home, we were always together. We got together for weekends of wild sex and thought we had Something Special. But every time we got together, we fell into the same behavioral patterns that we hated, in ourselves and each other.
Finally, at the end of sophomore year we were pretty much apart most of the time. But I knew I could not be at home that summer so close to her and end this thing. The only way to survive was to stay at the University and find a job. I found two jobs, actually; got my lifeguard certification; and did lots of swimming and biking. And reading and writing. And meeting new people and trying new stuff.
My parents were disappointed, but mostly understanding. It was lonely, and it was difficult. And old GF and I saw each other a few times that summer.
But by July, I had a new not-serious partner at college, plus a couple potentials in other places. Then, the old high school gf called me and wanted to come visit. I knew that was guaranteed wild sex and secretly wished she would come up. But I surprised even myself when I remained calm and said “If you think you want to.”
It was the last time we ever spoke.
That was over 14 years ago. I’m married now and have four kids. And I couldn’t be happier. But it was a long and painful process to divorce myself from that convoluted relationship. It turned out to be the summer I finally grew up.
Time, space and patience. Keep yourself busy. If you’re asking this question, then you must do this. Sorry for the long post.
Good luck, Nisosbar. Keep us posted.
I felt myself starting to fall in love with a co-worker who was also a close friend. We spent a lot of time together outside of work. He was a wonderful person. But I wasn’t sure how he felt or whether those feelings could ever be reciprocated. I was unwilling to risk the fallout if I 'fessed up and he took it wrong. So I made myself fall out of love.
I slammed the door on any mushy feelings as they arose. I also started actively looking for another guy, obtainable or not, to develop a crush on. I figured I needed an outlet for those feelings.
It worked, and it was great that I didn’t have to stop spending time with him to accomplish it.
To this day I don’t know if it would have worked out. I went away for grad school, but I still think the world of him.
Damn, now I’m missing him. I think he and my husband would get along famously. Wish he weren’t 600 miles away.
Ask yourself:
Does s/he love me?
Does s/he want what’s best for me and for us?
Is s/he willing to do what it takes for us to be okay?
Does s/he want to be with me as much as I want to be with them?
No? Then you are left with just one real choice.
You choose not to be in love anymore. Your body may still crave theirs, you may miss them, their conversation, how you felt, but you choose not to be in love. Some call it moving on.
I don’t think we choose to fall in or out of love. If it were an issue of choice, the falling in/out would be far less painful.
Many years ago, I dated someone who was a recovering heroin addict…except for the ‘recovering’ part, I guess. We had already been together a year when he started using again, and then fell into this pattern of getting straight and doing well for a while, then relapsing, etc. I eventually just couldn’t be a part of his life anymore and broke up with him.
I think it’s important to remember that just because something hurts doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing to do.
Surround yourself with caring friends and family who will support you, activities you enjoy, Kleenex for when you’re too damn sad. Letting go means feeling empty-handed for a while, but you will go on.
Scrape your shoe and move on.
So eloquent! 
But ain’t it the truth?
I got dumped by my fiance seven months ago. I’m doing much better now, and am even interested in another guy.
I moved six hundred miles, and have only talked to him (briefly) one time. His loss, I guess.
No, circumstances have not distated anything in my case. I never loved him in the first place.
I think the most important thing to remember is your next step is to focus on liking/ loving yourself and establishing your independence.
The technique of pushing yourself to fall in love with someone new to get over the last one is almost guaranteed to backfire.
Spend time with true friends, or doing some of your true favorite activities that you haven’t had much time for lately. Get really comfortable with the rest of your life. Then you will likely be in the right place at the right time when you’re ready to love again.
Thanks, all, for the advice! It makes me feel better already. 