Having A Trauma With My Husband

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’d like to hear opinions and solutions to my problem. My husband tends to be rather old-school about some things. Protecting his woman is one of those things. I appreciate the sentiment, but this particular incident is driving me nuts.

My son invited me into the city (Chicago) for Mother’s Day. I’ll take the train in, he’ll meet me at the station, and then we’ll go out to eat and shoot some pool. Then it’s back to his and his girlfriend’s place for movies and whatever. Then, I thought I’d babysit for her kids while he takes her out for Mother’s Day. I’d spend the night and take a train back the next day.

The problem is, he lives in Wicker Park, which can be a rough neighborhood. Just last week he was walking with his girlfriend’s son (3 years old) from the laundromat and some gangbangers rammed their car into another car and everyone pulled guns and jumped out of the cars and were running through the streets (on Easter Sunday, thankyouverymuch). No shots were fired, but it was very scary. My kid through the baby down on the ground and laid on him until the bad boys left.

Because of this, my husband told me I can’t go. Not, “honey…I don’t think it’s a good idea”, but flat-out “it’s too dangerous and there will be no discussion – you’re not going.” Obviously, this doesn’t sit well with me. I am 90% sure I’m going anyway, but I’d like to accomplish this with as little domestic trauma as possible. I understand his heart is in the right place, but I’m 47 years old and not much into being told what I can and can’t do. And he does have a point. It can be a shitty neighborhood.

What’s a mother/wife to do?

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Oh, and I knew I should have typed “threw” instead of “through”. I was just seeing if you were paying attention.

3

No chance your hubby could come along? Just to drop you off and pick you up, if not all night?

4

Yes, that is a possibility, Eve. But I doubt he’ll want to. Mother’s Day has always been a sore spot with us because my son isn’t his kid and he thinks the day is strictly for a child and their own mother…not for your kids and spouse or spouse and her kids. He’s been selfish about this in the past, so I don’t imagine it will change this time.

5

So, uh, it’s OK for his son to live in this neighborhood, but his wife can’t even visit? That makes no sense. (Unless your son is your husband’s stepson – but even so, I’d say he’s overstepping his bounds by ordering you not to go.)

I’ve never been married, though, so I don’t really know how marriage changes the dynamics of these things.

6

Fortunately you live in a society where one adult cannot forbid another adult from doing something.

Of course you do want to keep your relationship on peaceful footing so perhaps the best tack to take with him is something along the lines of “I appreciate your concern for my safety. What steps can I take to reassure you while I’m in Chicago?” That way, you two can negotiate through how/when you call him to let him know you got there safely, where you are heading next, when you head home, that sort of thing.

7

Fretful, it’s not his son. And my son is almost 27 years old. I’m not crazy about him living in this neighborhood either, but it’s what they can afford and they both work in the city.

Contrary, I agree with what you’re saying. And I appreciate his concern, but I’m PISSED that he’s taken this hard-edge attitude. Had he approached me differently, I might not be digging my heels in. But I’m really mad that he’s playing caveman with me, so I’m pretty sure I’m going to do it anyway and just wait for the storm to blow over.

8

Kalhoun, my reaction would be exactly like yours: Nice sentiment, but let’s watch the delivery there a bit, Bubba.

It doesn’t sound like he’s left you a lot of wiggle room: you either do as he says or you do what you want. Unfortunately, he’s set up a situation where if you do what you want, you’ll effectively be disobeying him. And issuing orders is probably not the best way to approach a woman with a mind of her own about something like visiting her son. A bit of diplomacy would have been wise on his part, I think.

Think it over as objectively as you can: What would you do, without his input? Figure it out, then do it. Do whatever you can to ensure your safety when you go, of course, and have a good time with your family.

Happy Momma’s Day.

Best,
karol

9

Kal – I think you have valid reasons for taking this trip.

Mostly my suggestion was more about how to help him see that you are a responsible adult, making a valid choice and still acknowledging his concerns. My hope would be that if he sees you are willing to acknowledge his worries, he will come out of the cave so to speak and quit making absurd ultimatuums.

10

In my limited experience (3 yrs of marriage w/ my wife, 6 total), i’ve found that it’s never a wise decision to part ways angry. on the off-chance that something DID happen (to either one of you) it would be worse to know that your last words/thoughts were angry ones. my wife and i have had some knock-out drag-out conflagrations, but few have lasted past bedtime, or separation.

is there no room for compramise? not suggesting that you back down, but i dol suggest working something out. and if it comes to yelling and screaming, try to get it done and resolved before you go. if not, there’s the scenario i mentioned, plus, even if all is well, it will cast a shadow on your happy day with your son.

yes, i know that it is easier to seek forgiveness than permission. but whoever said that was never married, bet.

11

Thanks, all. I appreciate your input. I think I’ll give it another try this evening and try to discuss it (and things I can do to put his mind at ease…) Jeez, though. I did a whole lot of living before we were together. And with him, too…when we were younger and wilder. I just hate it when he gets like this.

12

Umm…I’m not a woman, so my advice may not be terribly pertinent. And, this is not an area in which I’m at my most reasonable. If I were in your shoes, when he said that to me, A) I’m pretty sure I’d have been in a lot of pain, because I have huge feet, and B) I’d have laughed in his face (angrily), and told him that IF he was still around when I got back, we’d need to have a serious talk about that attitude. Because that, for me, would be a relationship killer.

But on a, hopefully, more helpful note, I agree with Contrary’s suggested approach of something along the lines of “I appreciate your concern for my safety. What steps can I take to reassure you while I’m in Chicago?” I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to be that diplomatic, under the circumstances. But, if you can, it would probably help. Being the type to issue ultimata, he’s probably not the type that handles them well when they’re issued to him.

Or, you could read him the “You’re my husband, not my master, and if you don’t want an equal partner, get the f*ck out of my life.” riot act, and THEN do the reasonable “what would make you feel better about it, given that I’m still going” bit. Might be effective, in this case, since it seems hubby needs a good beating with the old clue-by-four. I’m guessing that, since you married him, he’s not generally the pinheaded cave dweller he appears to be, from this small glimpse of him. I think you’d choose better than that.

OOH! You could also point out to him that there are roughly 1,000 men on SDMB (probably a low estimate, but it’s a nice round number) who would be thrilled to date you and treat you with the respect you deserve, should he decide it’s too much for you to ask of him. Of course, that’s only if you’re feeling evil, and really want to hurt him, and it could backfire, if you really want to keep him around. I guess I’m just not being very helpful, am I?

13

Oh, Davebear…you’re just saying that because you know what my underwear looks like! :wink:

He has been a bit more neanderthal in his old age. He’s 57 and isn’t nearly the wild-and-crazy guy he was when I met him nearly 30 years ago. But that’s still not an excuse for his attitude. He doesn’t express himself very well verbally, and he certainly doesn’t know the rules of diplomacy.

In his defense, I’d have to say that there were TIMES in my history that I’ve been too wild for my own good, but fercrissakes! I’m going out with my son! It’s not like I’m going to tear it up like I used to do with the girls all those years ago! I’m just going to have to invite him along, and if he begs off, oh well.

14

Kalhoun, could this more complicated than just going to a bad neighborhood? Could you husband have some jealousy about your relationship with your son and be using this as an excuse?

Other than that, you are an adult and can make your own decisions. It isn’t his place to tell you what you can or can’t do. I can betcha that he won’t come along with you. Tell him you’ll call him from the station - then when you get to your son’s place, call again. And call before you leave, etc etc etc. You appreciate his concern, but you need to go.

(The last time my hubby gave me an ultimatum, I laughed so hard I cried - didn’t do much for his “manly” attitude)

15

Although he would never admit it, yes, it might be a jealousy thing. But I haven’t seen my son but once since Christmas, and I’d really like to spend some time with him and getting to know the girlfriend and her kids. It’s much easier for me to go there than for them to schlep the kids on the train out to me.

We get along pretty well except for when he behaves like this.

Another alternative would be for me to go and come back the same day. I don’t have to spend the night, but I’d like to so they could go out for a little while. While I watch the kids.

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i’m probably way too young to be giving any sort of advice to a 47-year old, but would it be so hard to convince him to drive you there and then make himself scarce? something along the lines of “i know you’re concerned, but he’s my son. i really need your help on this, o darling knight, so please drop me off. in fact, if you pick me up later, i would really love to go and (insert activity) with you”. and maybe you could call him sometime during the night? or tell him that he can call you anytime. this will hopefully take care of the jealousy angle, which seems like a very valid issue here.
or maybe he’s too sensible to fall for something as banal as that? (in which case he’d be too sensible to have said “no, just no!”, in the first place.)

and while i’m sure davebear means well, i really wouldn’t go and tell my husband that there are a thousand other men willing to date me. it doesn’t exactly build trust, it engenders bitterness, and it’s plain ol’ hurtful. not a good ingredient for the Happy Marriage Recipe, imho.

good luck, kalhoun, not just with your looming argument, but also with your trip. like you said, it is a rough neighbourhood.

18

Actually, Davebear meant it as a joke. I thought she could probably use a smile. Besides, it’s probably true. :slight_smile:

19

Not knowing any of the players, my WAG is that your husband is acting out of fear. If you went, he’d spend the whole weekend fearful and worried that something would happen to you. But it’s not “manly” to admit to being afraid, so he disguises/expresses it in ways that may come off as bluster, bullying, or (overly) protecting his woman.

20

Screw your hubby (which I’m sure you can do later)! Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from visiting a good son like that!