Having A Trauma With My Husband

If you DO figure it out, let me know. Mr. Athena does the same damn thing… and there’s no chance it’s jealousy based. The man grungingly allows me to go to the grocery store after dark (we’re talking winter here, so “after dark” could be 6:30pm) if I promise to park under a street light. This is only after arguing with him over it.

I’m not “allowed” to go for walks at night on the beach - one of the greatest joys I can remember from growing up. I’m in a bloody tiny town in the middle of nowhere, not a city, not anywhere close to a city. The crime rate is nonexistant. Still, every time I suggest walking anywhere alone at night, he puts up such a fuss I either forget the whole idea or I tell him if he doesn’t like it so much he has to come with.

In his case, he’s genuinely afraid that something will happen to me. I know if I were just to go do it, he’d be at home worried sick the whole time I was gone. Maybe it comes from him growing up in big cities whereas I spent my life in this tiny town - activities that I think of as normal and safe he thinks are Bad and Scary.

I miss walking on the beach at night, alone.

Well… we talked again last night. I told him that I appreciated his concern and that I really felt that I’d be OK. I would call him and let him know what was up and I’d probably make it an early night anyway. He said it was unacceptable and that I’d have to talk to my son about making another plan. I told him I was going anyway and he said, “No you’re not. This discussion is over.” So I said, are you actually going to try and stop me?", to which he replied, “If I have to.”

His argument is that I’m too small to defend myself and I’m not street savvy like the people in the neighborhood who live amongst the rough stuff every day. I asked him to come with me, and he said there’s no way in hell he wants to be in a neighborhood like that (HONEST! It’s not THAT bad).

Are there any dopers here who are familiar with the Wicker Park/ Humboldt Park neighborhood? Am I being naive? Shit. I just know this is going to turn into a nightmare.

Well at this point you have a choice to make. You can choose to allow your husband to dictate what you do and where you go – or you can go.

I know that sounds simplistic but really that’s what’s left. You’ve been (by your account) quite reasonable. He’s not being reasonable.

I should also add that I’ve lived in some pretty bad areas of town so it’s not like I’m being naive about crime etc. But so much of what happens is because people don’t stay alert and aware of their surroundings. You don’t seem that way /shrug/.

My vote? Simple – go.

I don’t get it. “Through” was the correct spelling. What’s the joke?

RickJay, “through” would be used in this way: “He went through the door”. “Threw” would be used like, “Toss”. My son threw the baby down (not actually. He quickly placed him on the ground).

Aaaah, so now the issue is no longer whether he is concerned about your safety. NOW the issue is, can he get away with this type of controlling behavior.

Now I’m in familiar territory, unfortunately. I’m sorry, Kalhoun. What a pain to have to deal with…and I don’t have to tell you that you do, indeed, have to face this one head-on with your eyes wide open, because giving in could set a hell of a precedent.

Hang in there, and best luck. Sending vibes of strength and resolve your way…

Yeah, I know I have to do it. I just hate knowing that it’s going to be a big fucking fight.

I think he is genuinely concerned about my safety, but not concerned enough to give up what he wants to do so I can have a day with my son. That’s really what hurts me.

And there are other options, too. We could just go downtown rather than in his neighborhood. That would eliminate the fear factor, but I want to see my kid’s place, and I know he can’t afford to take me downtown to the pricier places.

I agree. There’s no point in presenting rational arguments to someone who isn’t being rational. If you can get out of the house, without it turning into a raging battle, just go. Maybe he’ll be less of a dick about it, next time.

But, if it does turn into a battle, try to remain rational. I have a really hard time with this, when I’m really mad. I hope you’re better at it. Try to remember that he loves you, and you love him, even if you hate his current behavior.

But, either way, you’ll have to decide for yourself how big an issue this is, for you. If it’s a big enough deal to him, it could be a relationship killer, if you “defy” him. I really don’t think so. IME, these guys usually get over it, once they’ve lost. But, I could be wrong. And, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

[hijack]
Athena, just go. You’re not his prisoner, nor his property. His fears should not be allowed to set your limits. It won’t be as enjoyable, knowing he’s at home worrying. But, it will get better, with time. He’ll get less worried; you’ll stop worrying about him worrying. It’ll be fine.
[/hijack]

I go to the Wicker Park area once or twice a year to visit a sister-in-law who lives there and to go to the annual Around the Coyote art fair at the Flatiron and neighboring buildings. I don’t know what area of Wicker Park your son lives in, but my experience has been that it’s not that bad. I’ve seen much scarier parts of Chicago certainly (burned-out shells of buildings and groups of people staring at you as you walk past, sizing you up), though overall I think Chicago is a pretty decent and safe city.

I’m sorry, I don’t have any decent advice for you, except that if you want to compromise, perhaps you can just meet your son at his place, and then find an alternative area of Chicago that’s not terribly expensive and perceived to be safer. Would Greektown or Chinatown be all right, for instance?

Just to clarify my last post, I don’t think I’d call the area of Wicker Park that I was in “unsafe”. A little dirty and run-down in spots, but other spots showing a lot of cleaning up and lively businesses, and even others undergoing gentrification. I didn’t see any obvious “gang” activity. Plus the Around the Coyote art fair is pretty popular and draws crowds of people who check out the artists’ studios in a few buildings around the neighborhood. I would use a little sensible caution in that area, but have never been worried.

Thanks, FerretHerder. I think I may suggest another neighborhood and I’ll just supplement the outing financially (even though it’s Mom’s Day). If he can’t accept that compromise, then I’ve done all I can.

Thank you all for your suggestions. You’ve been great.

It’s not fun when your husband is jealous of your relationship with your kids. My husband is, although he’ll never admit it to his dying day. He sometimes goes out of his way to make them feel unwelcome in our home, which usually leads to a huge screaming fight.

But so far he’s not been stupid enough to forbid me to do something that I wasn’t already planning not to do (like go somewhere when I was sick, when we both knew I was joking about going). If he did, like others have said, that would be a true relationship-killer.

Uh, dumb question…but there’s no chance he could get violent in trying to stop you, is there? Because that’s obviously a whole new can of worms that would require a completely different set of responses.

I would think not. He’s well aware of the repercussions attached to a move like that.

This is about control. Do you let him control you or not? If it was about safety, he would be going with you. But telling you “No you can’t go” is not helping. I don’t know about you, but I promised to “cherish” not OBEY. I love my husband, but he does not control me. I also have problems with the whole wifely duty to “submit”, which is a crock if you ask me.

I hope your husband realizes how hard he is making this for you. But I wish you strength in making your decision.

Well, we’re definitely having another talk about this tonight. I would like to just go and have fun. I’d love it if he came with, but he’s more interested in working on his hot rod. I swear, he’s having sex with that thing.

Kalhoun,

I live in Chicago, and Wicker Park isn’t that bad of a neighborhood. Yes, there are still some seedy areas, but it is starting to gentrify and has become a very popular neighborhood, especially with college-age people and artists.

Remind your husband that gang-bangers can come into any neighborhood, and that even the burbs have their share of crime. If it was just you wandering around the neighborhood, especially if you’re not familiar with the area, I could understand your husband having some reservations. But since you’ll be with your son and his SO (and her kids!), you’ll be with plenty of people who are extremely familiar with the area and who know where and where not to go.

If you want to look into a different neighborhood to hang out in, I would suggest Lincoln Square. But since that’s my neighborhood, I’m rather biased. :smiley: There are quite a few restaurants where you can eat for about $10, and has some lovely areas to wander around in. Here’s a website to check out if you’re interested: Lincoln Square Chamber of Commerce

I would go and have a wonderful day with your son and his family, and tell your husband that if he isn’t willing to compromise (i.e., drive you there and pick you up) then he’ll just have to deal with it. I agree with the others who say that if a boyfriend/husband of mine tried to order me to not do something, that would be a major red flag, and would warrant some time with a marriage counselor.

Happy Mother’s Day, and enjoy your time in the (scary! :eek: ) city!

Regards,

Engel

oooo, sounds like a “paybacks are hell” moment to me.

why don’t you try forbidding him to drive his hotrod, since that could be such a dangerous activity?

see how he likes it when the shoe pinches the other foot.

where’s the evil grin smilie when you need it?
lachesis

So, your husband is so concerned about your safety that he’s forbidding you to visit your son.

Yet, he’s not so concerned that he’s willing to go with you.

This isn’t about safety. This is about control. You have a decision to make…just remember you’re not alone in this.

He’s made his decision. You need to make yours. There is no more discussion warranted. He’s made his stance quite clear. Now, Kal darling, you need to make yours equally clear.

Good luck.

Ah, I was looking at a different “Through.”

Speaking as a husband, I’m well aware that I can’t “forbid” my wife anything. She’s an adult, not my child, and I can’t say “no” to her like I can my kids.

I can express my concerns, I can request things of her, I can express my disappointment on her decisions, but I cannot declare “this is the way it is, end of discussion.”

If he’s truly concerned with your safety, he should be working toward a compromise by traveling with you or helping you meet with your son in a better setting.

I agree with ivylass, this is about control.