Boy, your husband sounds just like my lawfully wedded control freak! How about if you get a room at a nice hotel, perhaps one with a pool and a play area. You go spend some time with your son, then son brings the kids to the hotel. You would be in a “safer” environment, lots of people around, but out of the “bad neighborhood”.
Belrix,
He suggested my son come out by us, but it’s very impractical for them to haul the kids out on the train to our house, where we don’t have the space to put them all up for the night. In addition to the fact that I want to see my kid’s place and he had a specific plan for the day. And I’m not afraid to go.
Lyllyan, that’s a logical solution, however, he’d balk at the expense. He has a completely different set of priorities when it comes to expendable cash. All he cares about is his car at the moment. All I care about is everything else.
Then, go, Kal, and have a wonderful time!
I’d say go, as well. I honestly can’t imagine that he thinks he can get away with such a paternalistic comand. He’s not your parent, and even if he was, you’re an adult. Courtesy would demand that you inform him of your plans, not ask his permission.
StG
If a spouse or partner of mine said he would prevent me from doing something, period, end of discussion, my first response is to say that I plan to go, and suggest he have his stuff moved out of the house by the time I got home. I’d even offer to help him…
But beyond my personal reaction, there’s more than just the control issue at play here. What you’ve got is an anxiety attack. He’s not trying to control YOU necessarily, he is trying to prevent unreasoning terror in a situation he cannot control.
Which calls for a different approach. Having just started dealing with anxiety issues in my older son (5 years), I recognize the response.
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Someone’s imagination is very good at seeing the worst possible scenario. Now, time to put it to work imagining all the rest of the scenarios. So, come up with every possible scenario. Including every good one, too. List them all.
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Take the worst scenarios, and come up with reasonable responses to them. Falling to the ground is a reasonable one, should guns be drawn. Heck, running is a good one - look up the research on whether random gunmen are any good at hitting a moving target. Chances are remarkably slim that A) they will hit you, and B) they will hit you bad enough to cause you permanent harm. There’s a whole school of ‘bad urban situation’ training that centers on the experience of police officers - moving targets tend to survive rather well, if they get hit at all.
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Time for a reality check. What are the REASONABLE odds that something bad will happen. Look at your list of scenarios, and give reasonable odds on each. Come on, time to gather data, hubby. It isn’t just the urban savvy who come out of those neighborhoods without bullet holes. Stack up the data. For every resident who has gotten actually shot, how many days did they live there (before and after), and how many times were they shot? How many residents have not been shot? How many visitors do you think those residents get, on average, every year? How many of those have not been shot? How many have? Call the local hospital or police station, and ask them what they think of the neighborhood, for the kind of activities you will be pursuing. Get REAL data, not nightmare imaginings.
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If the anxiety does not diminish, I would suggest he see a doctor. If his protective behavior is increasing, that means his anxiety level is increasing. This can be an indicator of certain health issues, and is worth pursuing (early onset alzheimers, certain forms of anemia, etc.).
Hope that helps. I don’t think the direct confrontation will work much because you will be fighting two different battles - he’s trying to control the universe, and you are trying to keep him from controlling you.
Thanks, Hedra. That’s a very solid approach. I’ll give it a try.
The hardest part of all of this is that we went through this sort of thing before, amongst other very serious problems, early on in our relationship. I thought we had worked through them successfully. Now it appears he’s going back to the old ways, and it makes me uneasy.
Not really relevant now, of course, but wouldn’t a cellphone solve some of this control problems? If it’s genuinely worry (which I doubt, but whatever), being able to get in touch in an emergency should ease their worried minds, yes? Just my thinking…
Here’s the persective of someone who’s way too young for marriage so is (a) objective and (b) ill-informed.
You could mention the ‘staying in a hotel’ thing in the hopes that he then sees your original plan as the lesser of two evils. Would you be ‘safer’ if you stayed at your son’s overnight but went out to somewhere out out of the neighbourhood during the day and evening to play pool or whatever.
Another suggestion is to organise arguments for his PoV. If his views were correct would there be any way to see your son reasonably and cheaply? If so, that’s probably the way to go.
Regarding the forbidding, I’ve a few comments. First, forbidding is ridiculous. It either assumes one partner is subservient to the other (whcih is possible, but I hope is rare nowadays) or must be backed by a threat, which is nothing to build a relationship on. Second, I do get how it can happen though. If you love someone who’s proposing to play Russian Ruoullette, can’t you just see yourself saying ‘No, you can’t.’ Not as a reasoned response, but because it’s incredibly stupid and incredibly unfair on you. In this case it’s them who is the relationship-breaker. If two people disagree on the risks of an activity, they may both think the other is being a relationship-breaker In this case it looks like your husband is being controlling, but if he’s genuinely convinced you are taking a stupid risk his behavoir is understandable (though not necessarily acceptable). The good news is, discussion may be possible in this case.
Hope it works out well for all of you.
I assume you’ve mentioned this unease to him? A lot of guys are not good at remembering ‘how things used to be’ (IME). So they don’t recognize any kind of pattern or association between one behavior and another whole set of issues. Even the best of them need some reminding sometimes, because it ceases to be relevant to them once it is gone. Then if it becomes relevant again, and they don’t connect the two, they end up not being able to apply previous lessons-learned. Remind him, if you haven’t. With as many details as you recall, so he has a benchmark for how bad it was, not a vague sense of ‘something badish, but maybe not as bad as she’s making it out to be…’
Good luck! And I’m serious on the doctor thing - my great-aunt started getting anxious about a few things, then a variety of things, to the degree that she tried to let her fears control other people’s lives. It took years to discover that she had serious anemia (can’t remember which vitamin, not iron), and once she started on shots of the stuff, her outlook on life improved dramatically. She’s still not quite ‘normal’, but then she wasn’t quite normal to start with. 
Well, we discussed this again last night. I suggested that he was being a control freak, which he denied (of course). He said I’m the one causing a fight, and that if I would just be realistic and reasonable, I would see that the whole rift is my fault.:rolleyes: I reminded him that he can’t actually stop me, to which he replied “Yes I can.” I told him I’m very unhappy with the way he’s looking at me like I’m an imbicile or something, and he says I’m too stubborn to see that he’s right and I’m wrong.
I then suggested that it had nothing to do with my safety and that something else much deeper and darker was going on. Well, he had a shit fit and denied, denied, denied. Whatever.
I have a feeling we’re going to discuss this every night until Mother’s Day. That way, he won’t be too shocked when I go (does he really think this is OK? Jesus.)
He quit drinking about six years ago. He has a very difficult time having fun and he’s always got to be working on a project. I think it’s unhealthy to never just relax and kick back. It’s even starting to bother his friend who helps him with the hot rod. He says he wants to do something other than mechanics on a Saturday, and my husband gets all bummed out. He wants everyone to focus on what he’s focused on. He knows I have no problem cutting loose and having fun. I’m also very outgoing, which I think he finds threatening. He knows I can be in a room full of strangers for five minutes and be chatting like I’ve known them all my life. He, on the other hand, can’t stand social settings. So he knows I’m going to have fun without him.
I’m so sorry, Kalhoun. This was the first thread I checked this morning, because I was worried for you and how this might turn out. I would be rather frightened by his comment that he can stop you from leaving. Any chance you could go to a hotel for the rest of the week until time for your visit with your son? I realize that you know him better than I could possibly, but from this side of the monitor, those words are scary.
Best of luck in whatever happens.
Definitely sounds like a trip to the doctor’s is in order.
Also, were his parents (either one) alcoholics? He sounds like he has some ‘adult child of’ issues, fairly classic.
I do know one other person who sounds very like him. He whose son angrily told a bunch of people to stop laughing because his daddy didn’t LIKE laughter (said son was about 4 at the time). OUCH. He is an adult child of an alcoholic, has severe difficulty relaxing in social settings, is introverted normally, but thinks he’s supposed to just be an extrovert anyway and can’t register that it is okay to be himself. He focusses with hyper intensity on anything he is working on (he has a variety of hobbies, thankfully, but all MUST have his utter and passionate focus, and no other activities are considered acceptable ways to spend free time), appears somewhat boringly compulsive even to his best friends, and he has serious anxiety issues when he’s faced with situations outside his control. To the complete failure to cope level.
One book that might help is “an Adult Child’s Guide to What’s Normal” - most ‘adult child of {whatever dysfunction}’ people have a hard time determining what is okay and not okay, because they didn’t come from a normal system. They learned to fake it, and they think they’re getting it right, pretty often, and pretty often, they’re missing the mark. (BTW, I found the book incredibly useful, myself - that’s why I recommend it.)
Sorry you are still stuck in this one. Good luck managing it.
I appreciate your concern, Deadly. He’s not even the one to bring the subject up. He figures there’s nothing else to discuss and just goes on with life as usual. Easy for him, huh?
I’m not afraid that he’ll hit me. We went through major domestic violence stuff years ago. He quit drinking and I haven’t felt threatened since. I feel confident he won’t do it again. I just dread having to walk around the house pissed off at each other. We haven’t really had a major disagreement in a long, long time.
{{{{{Kalhoun}}}}}
I understand your situation here very well!
SOunds like you have a nice weekend planned, tell the curmudgeon you’ll miss him, ask him to go with and escort you and the his stepgrandchild to a park. He’ll fret! So be it you are going!
Bye have fun!
Hedra, yes…his parents, uncle, two sisters, and assorted cousins all fought the booze battle. His sister just died from alcoholism three months ago.
He quit the booze on his own, but only after he beat the shit out of me and put me in the hospital for three days. It’s a long horrible story, but suffice to say it shook us both up. He stopped drinking and doesn’t miss it at all. And hasn’t slipped at all. I still drink. But much less than I used to.
Anyway, he’s made decisions to change his life, and I’m really glad he did. He’s working out, lost some weight, takes interest in things again. Unfortunately, we often don’t take interest in the same things. He always says he has to finish his car before he dies. Like he’s making up for lost time (which we all know you can’t do, but he’s trying anyway). He takes pride in the time he spent in the Marines in Vietnam. I think the blind order that comes with military life appeals to him. Maybe that’s why he wants to control me.
Kalhoun - all I can tell you is do what you think is best. As I said in a previous post, this sounds just like my hubby, and things are not as cut and dried as some would like to think. And you have to come back home to him after it is all over. I know you really, really want to go, but could we choose another battle to win other than this one? It doesn’t sound like he is willing to compromise. Hugs, dear.
This is almost scary here.
My suggestion, which you need not take, but which I would do-is to try and go-if he actually attempts to stop you, call the police.
Its illegal-technically it could be called kidnapping ( restraining someone from going).
I fele sorry for you, good luck.:mad:
i know Lyllyan means well, but…if the flood is gonna come, it’s gonna come. all putting it off means is that you may have to fight extra hard just to maintain your ground during the next battle.
i own horses and have worked on (re)training them. the idea of picking your battles is one i completely understand, particularly in that context. however, there are times when you just don’t have that luxury. if the timing is inopportune, but it’s something that’s got to be faced, and faced now, putting it off won’t make it easier or better. kind of like taking nasty medicine. you need to do it, and waiting around won’t really change it to any major degree.
(on the whole, i’ll face my pyscho ex-racehorse any day, rather than deal with mule-headed people. might be harder on the bod, but not nearly as bad on the nerves.)
lachesis