Lachesis, I think you’re probably right. I’m not going to accomplish anything by missing Mother’s Day with my only child. Yes, there are ways that I could see him without going into the city, but that’s not the point here. I just want him to see me as a capable person. I have a good job and he respects what I do for us as a couple and as an individual, but he’s stuck on the issue that I can’t handle myself.
Will he be there to try to stop you, Kalhoun? If not, just drop it for now, and when the day comes, leave him a note letting him know when you’ll be back.
It doesn’t sound like discussing it will further your cause; he’s decided that the only way to handle this one is to simple Put His Foot Down.
On a more long-term note, do you think counseling might be in order for the two of you? Maybe it would help him come to terms with some of his controlling behavior.
Best luck, and I just want to say again what an amazing community this is.
{{{kalhoun}}}
Thanks, Bodypoet. I don’t think he’d ever consider counseling. I normally don’t like sharing this sort of thing, but I feel so damn low about it. I love him, and I know he loves me, but I can’t sit still for this kind of thing. I know he thinks it’s no big deal, but it is to me.
He’ll be there most likely when I leave. It shouldn’t be more than a screaming match. But that’s just gonna set a shitty tone for my day.
I’m sure he won’t get violent. He knows he’ll go to jail if he does. The D.A. told him in no uncertain terms that if the “bad thing” ever happened again, he’d be looking at serious time.
After the screaming match, and you leave, go buy yourself some flowers. Put all the ick into the petals, then pick them off all the flowers and drop them into the breeze on your way to your Mother’s Day event.
By the time you get all the petals off, I’m betting you’ll feel better.
And do get the book. Leave it in the bathroom. It doesn’t always take therapy to get someone started.
Sorry this is so sucky, but at this point, you know what you’re facing, you know what his problem is, you know what your decision is, and the only way out is through.
i’ll add my {{{Kalhoun}}} to the rest of the group’s.
it’s really shitty when someone who’s supposed to be on your side takes a dump on something that’s supposed to be making you happy, but sometimes life’s no fun like that.
however, that doesn’t mean you can’t try to ameliorate it to a certain extent. suggestions (sneaky and otherwise):
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try getting him all busy on his hot rod before you head out the door. if he’s so uni-focused on that, maybe you could sidestep the yelling scene until you get home again.
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maybe invent some little errand you’re running as the excuse to make your exit. (obviously, any things you’re taking with you would have to be hidden in getaway vehicle beforehand.)
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if angry scene is inevitable, try not to give yourself too much time to brood on the train. take your favorite music to distract you, or a “can’t put down” book to read, or a crossword puzzle…SOMEthing to help it fade into the background, so you can meet your son in a reasonable facsimile of a happy frame of mind. it would be a pyrrhic victory if you get out of the house, only to have the visit ruined before it even starts.
in this case, enjoying yourself would be the best revenge, as it were.
:: sighing on your behalf ::
lachesis
Yeah, I’m starting to look forward to the visit. I know hubby will be OK. He doesn’t have a choice, now…does he! He doesn’t realize it yet, but we’ll both survive the BIG TRIP TO THE CITY. Jesus H. Christ. He grew UP in the city! I’ve gone into the city a million times. Just not to this neighborhood.
Thank you all for your support. You’re truly a great bunch here! I’m going to have fun and make obligatory phone calls to let Hon know I’m not dead and/or raped or anything.
I would suggest not bringing it up again.
He’s made his wishes known. You’ve told him your side. I don’t see the point in continuing to beat a dead horse.
Continue getting ready, packing up and everything (make sure he doesn’t hide your car keys from you) give him a kiss goodbye, and tell him you’ll call him when you get there.
And keep in mind what Summertime said if he tries to physically restrain you.
I just have a bad feeling about all this.
now, i might be completely wrong, but i’m hoping that people are overreacting a little bit to this.
Kalhoun and her husband are having a fight. it happens. it’s not pretty. they’ve been together a long time, by all accounts, so i can hope that he’s not a total asshat every second of the day.
i’m a little shocked by the ‘dump him, you don’t need him’ and ‘be ready to call the cops’ suggestions that I hear. i understand the history of abuse, and i support the latter if things escalate, but by all accounts, this has not been an issue for years. i just don’t know that this is worth all of the ‘gloom and doom’ that we’re giving it.
it’s hell, when a step-parent is jealous of his kids (i’m a stepdad myself, and can sympathize to some degree, even though i love my boys like my own), and even worse when your SO has an irrational fear and has dug in around it. Just remember all of the other thousand things that make your marriage work. If we’re seeing a downward trend, counseling is a great idea…just don’t be too quick to end the marriage over it.
kalhoun, i hope that everything works out.
-stonebow, happily married and probably hopelessly naive
Thanks, Stonebow. I appreciate the support. I was hesitant to mention the abuse thing, because there are those who believe that it’s something akin to child molesting, in that it will always be there. I truly believe that it will never happen again. But I do appreciate everyone’s concern. 
The hardest part is feeling like we’re a million miles apart. We are very different people, that’s for sure. But it’s usually an asset. However, this whole issue of telling me what to do has me very upset. It almost makes me feel unappreciative of his concern, but at the same time, he’s looking at me like I’m a child. He’s 11 years older than me, but I’m middle-aged myself, and it’s almost as if he gives me no credit for the life experience I have under my belt. Which is considerable.
I guess I just have to do what I have to do, and deal with the next chapter when I get to it. I don’t think he’d leave me if I go, but I’d have to give some serious thought to our relationship if I don’t go. If you know what I mean.
Update. Update.
My son called the other day and I mentioned husband’s problem with me going into the shitty neighborhood. My son said it wasn’t something that happened every day and blah, blah, blah. I told him I fully intended to come in anyway and that we would have a good time regardless of husband’s concerns.
Well, son called me again Saturday and suggested that we all go to Arlington Park Race Track for the annual Mother’s Day event. I told him that it was a great idea (I love going to the track) but that I didn’t want everyone to change plans on account of husband’s irrational fears. He insisted that they would really like to do it and said they were bringing girlfriend’s mom as well. So, it looks like I won’t be standing up to hubby this week. That’s OK, because I have all summer to do that!
I’m very stoked about going to the track. All the moms get a rose, and it’s a really nice place since they rebuilt it. One of the nicest in the country. I kind of wish I could have played this one out to the end, because I’m just going to have to get into it with him the next time, but I know Mother’s Day will be tons of fun.
Well, I’m glad that at least you’ll be doing something you’ll love on Mother’s Day, and at least not having a big blow-up instead. Now you’ll have more time to figure out what needs to happen to make your marriage work out.
Glad to hear everything is working out.