he likes me, he likes me not...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I don’t think you guys can help me with this one, just a general wibbling thread, so no worries there… but I’ve noticed the SDMB likes it some relationship drama, so why not post and share my turmoil with the world? :smiley:

A little background: I am 22 and female. I live in Japan. And let’s just say my romance skills are severely out of date.

Two weeks ago I met this Japanese guy when I went rafting down a river nearby. He sat next to me on the bus and we started chatting. Then afterwards, on the deck of the rafting cabin place, we started talking again and ended up exchanging email addresses. He invited me to come visit him if I ever go into town. He lives in the big city, about 3 hours away from my home town, but I visit there all the time.

So the next weekend I had to go into the city anyway to do some research at a big public library. I emailed him and asked if he’d like to meet up and hang out in Yokohama. He said yes. So we ended up hanging out for like 8 hours on Sunday. We had lunch, and coffee, and dinner. We talked about pretty much everything under the sun–music, politics, religion, cultural differences, books, and archeology (I majored in it, he loves old buildings.) So turns out he’s kinda perfect and he also has the most beautiful eyelashes I’ve ever seen.

(Now for the wibbling!)

Unfortunately, the question remains–was it a date? I don’t think it was, but maybe it was the prelude to a date. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it’s just friends. I could have had that same day with one of my female friends quite easily. He bought me coffee though. And dinner. But it was an expensive dinner so I tried to offer him money and he said it was only fair because I’d come all that way (e.g. into the city from the countryside). On the other hand I never really got a flirting vibe from him at all. But he’s a fairly serious person. He didn’t touch me at all. But (cultural stereotype alert, but true I swear) Japanese people are not at all into PDA. At the end of our visit I had to run to catch the train. We just said a quick goodbye. But he said he’d like to hang out again.

I emailed him Tuesday, in a noncommital tone, saying how much fun I’d have and how I’d like to do it again next time I’m in town. He replied in much the same way, saying he was looking forward to seeing me again.

I want him. He’s funny and interesting and good-looking and I’m lonely and horny in the Japanese inaka.* There are no young people here because there’s no future for them. This is a town of grandparents and parents and children (whom I teach.) The middle section has all jumped ship. Although I have a fairly busy social life with both western and japanese people, it is mostly female. My friends are female. My co-workers are female. I teach at an all girls high school.

I just don’t know if he wants me back. Japan has made me insecure. In America I was average, here I am XL. Shoes don’t fit me. Clothes don’t fit me. I hate wearing high heels. My hair is never perfectly groomed. I’m the opposite of all these perfectly made-up little Japanese girls. I live 3 hours away from him and I’m going back to America in a little over a year. And yet. I want him.

I’m going to Tokyo again in 2 weeks to see a concert and now I’m just trying to stop thinking about him… I tell myself, wait and see. You’ve only met him 2 times for goodness sakes! Don’t be a crazy person please! But man. It kinda sucks right now.

Now how was that for mundane and pointless? :slight_smile:

*The sticks. Or basically anywhere that isn’t the Tokyo metropolitan area.

2

He likes you!

Now go get him drunk… :wink:

3

He likes you. Go for it. ETA: what have you got to lose if he doesn’t go for it back?

Just don’t end up in a bath of cement.

4

Two things: he likes you. Make some flagrant moves. Many guys are actually a bit shy, and don’t read subtle social cues real well.

And you joined the Dope at fifteen? Way to go!

5

He likes you. Probably not experienced with western women and not sure about the cross cultural clues. My wag is he’s a little intimidated, not sure if you like him in that way, and unable to read clues. You’re probably going to have to take the lead on, uh, whatever it is you want to do. Having been in more than a few cross cultural relationships, you could be very blunt and straightforward and not offend anyone. Eg, “wow, I really like you but want to go slow” or you could just go for a drink and be knocking boots in the local love motel 5 minutes later.

6

  1. He definitely likes you. People don’t voluntarily spend eight hours talking with people they don’t like. I don’t even spend that long with people I like as just friends unless there’s alcohol involved.

  2. Don’t be insecure about yourself, you’re already past the point for self-doubt. See point 1.

  3. When I was dating (semi-inaka area), most of the women were ready to get physical by the second or third date, and were pretty upfront about it. Just going by the odds, I don’t think you’ll freak him out by making a move.

  4. Like you said, Japanese can be leery of PDA. However, a lot of it has to do with being seen by people you know (my wife will just barely hold hands when we’re walking through our neighborhood, but will get much closer when we’re in a neighborhood where we don’t know anyone). In front of his friends or in his hometown, he’ll probably be shy; just the two of you in a dark concert (rock or classical?) or going for a drink afterward, and he’ll probably be more open.

ETA: Oh yeah, and good luck!

7

He wants you.

8

Not to sound like a broken record, but yeah, he wants you. You have the green light.

Japanese guys as a whole aren’t known for their boldness in love and other emotional matters, so the balls in your court now. Plan another meeting and go for it :slight_smile:

As an aside, I will be in Tokyo from August 1st to the 28th, possibly beyond. You heard it here first! I’ll be starting a thread about it sooner or later. Just saying if you ever get a chance to come in from the inaka that we should hang out, maybe even have a mini-dopefest if other JP dopers are around.

9

I concur with the above posters. Nobody spends 8 hours with someone they don’t have an interest in, though I allow a sliver of doubt because it’s Japan.

Bust out some feminine wiles. If he tells you a joke, laugh and lightly brush his hand, that kind of thing…give him green lights as often as you feel comfortable. Also maybe give some verbal hints that you’re not seeing anybody at the moment etc. What you could do in other cultures might be over the top in Japan, so I’ll rely on you for the degree to which you carry that.

Good luck!

10

He’s probably going though internal agonies wondering whether the American could really be interested in him. :slight_smile:

11

I’m going through a similar thing. I met a woman, really like her. REALLY like her. She’s ten years older than me. She seems interested and if she is, we’re both wondering the same thing: does age matter? Only one way to find out… :smiley:

12

If you said you majored in archeology and he said he loves old buildings what more needs to be said? That’s it. He was hitting on you.

I see some romance in your future!

13

What was the question?

Of course it was a date. I don’t see how you could even doubt that it was.

14

Email the dude. Ask him how his day was. Chat. Flirt. Get to know each other and keep in contact. Like everyone else has said, you don’t spend eight hours with someone out of politeness.

Also, don’t worry about being huge in a sea of tiny people - you’re exotic to him. :slight_smile:

Best wishes, and enjoy the ride! Uh, the getting to know a new fascinating person ride, not the rumpy-bumpy ride. Although if it goes there, enjoy that ride too!

15

Thanks for the encouragement y’all! It does make me feel better. I emailed him again today, this time in my impressively terrible Japanese, so we will see what happens! If that doesn’t put him off nothing can. Especially since I first met him looking ridiculous in a wetsuit and helmet. :o

Well, just the old cliche… a cool friendship might turn awkward and all that nonsense. And I’ll try my best to avoid the cement…

I will try but I am bad at flagrant moves, unfortunately! I can’t believe it has really been that long, but yeah… I basically am a child of the Dope. You know all those embarrassing things you wrote in your journal or diary when you were a kid? Well, some of those are on this very board… awkward. Still, it’s been a fun ride!

Thanks for the encouragement! And I’m always up for meeting new people… any excuse to come in from the inaka. :cool:

He actually mentioned it first, when we were talking about traveling. Still, I hope the romance may be there!

Yeah, I emailed him again. I know he likes me, just not if he likes likes me. And although I may be exotic it’s not in the Russian model kind of way, which is what most Japanese guys seem to prefer (unsurprisingly enough!) I don’t even have blonde hair… shocking. :o

Again, thanks for the replies, everyone! I’ll just keep on keepin’ on…

16

Speaking as someone who snagged her Japanese man, he probably does like, LIKE you, but it will be very hard to find out!

I spent from May to October chasing my guy all the while trying to send out receptive vibes without coming on too strong (which would have frightened him away!) Bloody difficult it was!

But when we finally, finally, FINALLY exchanged our first kiss, he broke away from me and asked “Do you want to get married?” Eeep! Actually it was not a proposal so much as trying to work out if I wanted to get serious or just have a fling before going back to England.

It seems to me that Japanese guys don’t have a lot of gears between “not dating at all” and “full on serious” so bear that in mind!

And have fun!!! I’m still enjoying mine…

17

What’s PDA? Sounds kinky.

18

Public Display(s) of Affection.

Or Personal Digital Assistant. Or Pennsylvania District Attorney.

19

My husband and I had a similar first date and well, now I call him my husband, so it worked for us. Turns out he was nervous.

Betcha a dollar he likes you. Revel in your power to make men nervous with your exotic allure!