Last week I was contacted via Facebook by a guy I met and spent a week with in Japan almost 34 years ago. He’s Japanese, I’m white American. We really hit it off during that week and had some pretty passionate sex, but we both knew it was just a vacation thing. I looked him up when I was there again, 3 years later, and chatted over lunch (I think I was hoping to hook up again but he was seeing someone). I don’t remember giving him my name, but I must have, and because it’s an unusual last name he was able to find me.
I can’t quite describe how I’ve been feeling since then, but it’s kind of like a giddy teenager (if I can remember that far back). I think about him all the time, I wait for his messages, and my libido has taken off like a rocket. He keeps saying such nice things about me, but I can’t really tell if he is flirting or just being sweet from a distance. I’ve told him I got fat and he doesn’t seem to care (he didn’t say anything one way or the other). If I got the chance to go to bed with him again I would do it in a shot, even at the risk of gravely disappointing him (he’s changed too, but not so much as I have).
Anyway, I can think of a hundred reasons not to feel this way, I don’t really need other folks to tell me about them. I’m married, but to a man who thinks we are too old for sex. I know this is a mirage or a fantasy, and I’m not going to do anything stupid. I expect I’ll calm down eventually. But it’s exciting and at the same time it hurts like hell. I thought I was past all this.
I don’t know, maybe you could take my mind off of this if you told me any stories you have like this about yourselves. People on here have been very kind to me from time to time, I humbly ask for some more of that.
A further wrinkle is that he now lives in Vancouver BC. And I have to go to Portland on business in September. If we were so inclined, we could meet there, roughly halfway between our two homes. I would certainly meet him if he were interested.
Provided your feelings settle down like you anticipate they will, I would say enjoy what you can of them. I’m of an age where I wasn’t quite born yet when the two of you had your tryst and while I’m sexually driven in my fantasies and all, I don’t think I will ever again experience the kind of excitement you are talking about. Various circumstances have ruined that for me. Be responsible and enjoy.
I highlighted that part in red, because it strikes me as a red flag. It’s fine if he wants to decide HE’S too old for sex. I’m a bit nonplussed at the idea that he gets to make that same assessment on your behalf. ISTM that the two of you should really clear the air about this issue, and decide together how you will be dealing with it.
That said, you want to be careful that you aren’t going into the discussion with a hidden agenda of clearing the way for an opportunity to slip out for some happy fun times with your pleasant-memory-fella. That’s really unfair to your husband.
Man, Woman, gender-fluid, doesn’t matter. If you are in a committed relationship with a person you would be breaking that commitment, unless you have a understanding. I urge you to have a discussion with your SO. beforehand.
If you can’t do that, then you have a different set of issues.
Other than all that, I’d say to go and have fun.
If it helps any, I’ve had that giddy excitement (No pain, though. Not sure what you mean there.) a couple of times since my long marriage ended. In my case, my now-ex refused to touch me for years, and I don’t mean just sexually. (And no, I was never unfaithful. He had some mental health issues and…well, let’s not go there. Very bad memories.) It’s no wonder the excitement was like a teen’s. When someone refuses to have sex or show any sign that you’re attractive for a very long time, as your spouse and my ex did, it’s an incredible rush when someone else does and shows it.
My problem was that I had a job that required focus, and I had to get some sleep. I used some of that excited energy during longer, harder workouts, and that helped. If you don’t work out, walks or anything physical helps. Eventually and gradually, the crazy high wore off, but I was still pretty blissful.
My concern–and it’s not a moral one, since you explicitly asked we avoid those–is that if this guy backs off for any reason, or if when and if you do meet, he’s less than amorous or appreciative, you’d be in for a very painful emotional crash.
Yes, thank you, it does. I’ve had emotional crashes due to my own romantic imagination before, so I think I’m prepared for that possibility.
At this point it’s not clear if he has any intentions towards me at all beyond this level of contact. The last two message exchanges were initiated by me, so I’m going to back away for a bit and see what happens. It won’t surprise me if it turns out that most of this is in my head. And that will be OK. Then I’ll have to figure out if I want to go back to being what now feels like half dead because of no sex, or to do something about it.
By the way, to be fair to my husband, he is not cold to me at all, we are very affectionate, but sex is just not available.
If a long-term relationship were possible with this man, would you be interested? Setting aside all logistics (open marriage, leaving your marriage, or whatever), just ask yourself that question. If the answer is yes, then look at why - is it Long Lost Love (LLL or L3) in his own right, or what he represents?
Regardless of what happens with L3, you clearly have been tremendously hurt by your current relationship. I think you deserve to fix that, and it may start with talking with your spouse. It may also start with talking to a counselor, and then your spouse, to get some perspective first. You deserve happiness in your marriage, not pain. You may realize that you love your husband, but aren’t getting what you need out of the marriage.
You don’t need my permission, but I would pursue both relationships simultaneously and see where things go. Stay in touch with L3. If the stars align, and it turns into more, congratulations.
You should also start working on the hard places in your marriage, though. If they get better, fantastic. If they don’t, then you need to move on, no matter how much you love him. Shutting yourself down and being miserable is not a healthy marriage (or relationship of any kind).
I had a very vivid dream last night, which I am choosing to interpret as meaningful to my current situation. In the dream I was staying in someone’s house for an extended period; I got up one morning, showered etc. as usual, and when I went downstairs the whole front of the house had become detached and was leaning outward away from the rest of the house. I asked someone what happened and they said “an accident.” Then I turned back towards the front of the house and (as will happen in dreams) the front was completely gone, as if it were prepared to be re-built.
It seems a little pat, I know. Most of my dreams are too jumbled and pointless to remember, and so I usually don’t remember them.
Maybe the dream is “pat” to you, but I’m not following the significance. You seem to feel it’s relevant to your situation, though, and that’s all that matters.
I’d venture that you wouldn’t have reacted this way in the first place to mssgs from an old flame if your current relationship wasn’t so damn unfulfilling. Hearing from a decades-old fling can stir up warm fuzzies in anyone, sure, but to get thrown headlong into the dramatic giddiness you describe is ONLY happening because of what’s lacking between you & your husband.
I’m not saying your husband personally is to blame … but the situation is contributing. Heavily.
So consider your starry-eyed reaction to Japan/Canada Guy as a sign that you need to work SOMEthing out with your husband. If you don’t read the “Savage Love” column by Dan Savage, he deals often - and with consistent advice - with precisely your scenario. You need to be open & honest with him and with yourself about how badly the sexlessness is affecting you.
THEN go boink & be boinked! Or just YOLO (you only live once) and all that … but that’s not a pass to hurt others e.g. cheating behind your husband’s back.
You know, this is well thought out and nicely expressed. Thanks.
As for the dream: the house stands for my marriage, or maybe my life. It isn’t mine, I only live there. An important part is missing, and there is the distinct sense of a rebuild coming. I don’t remember feeling any strong emotion during the dream (it was very short even in dream time), not even much surprise at the absence of a front wall. On the other hand, I have watched a lot of This Old House lately.