Hmmm. You must not know the same guys I know, and you definitely don’t know me. Most of the women I’ve dealt with need a book titled, What I Said Is Exactly What I Meant. Stop Trying To Read Something Into It.
When I say I like the red dress, it doesn’t mean that I hate the blue one.
When I say I’m tired, it doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.
When I say the meat is really good, it doesn’t mean the vegetables are bad.
When I say I had fish for lunch, it doesn’t mean I don’t want fish for dinner.
When I say I’m busy Friday, it means exactly that. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you on Saturday.
Well you know what? She (or he, for those who swing that way) is going to be crying, wondering what exactly happened, and wondering if there’s another chance, no matter what you do.
So you’ve got a choice: You can just “go lukewarm” and leave her to wise up, get a clue, and handle all this stuff on her own, because it’s just too much effort or too uncomfortable for you to be expected to deal with. You can let it drag on for weeks or months, making her all the more miserable as she goes on without any answers and tries to make sense of it and lets each little episode make a bigger dent in her self-esteem.
Or, you could be a man and say exactly how you feel. And yeah, maybe there’ll be a scene or an uncomfortable episode, but it’ll be out there and over with, and she’ll be able to move on more quickly. And that way, you have a chance of actually ending up with a friend instead of somebody who has no respect for you and never wants to see you again.
Of course there are always going to be people who read too much into a situation, or over-react to a break-up or a bad date, or get too emotional or too clingy. That’s what people do. And if that’s going to happen, it’s going to happen no matter if you face the situation or you try to avoid it. The only thing you can do is meet the other person halfway and help turn a nasty/uncomfortable situation into an amicable one.
I still say that most men are total pussies about this kind of thing. And yeah, I’m including myself, because gay or straight doesn’t matter, and I’m just as guilty of being on both sides of the issue.
How do you feel about the blue one? Are you happy? How’d you like the vegetables? Do you want fish for dinner? Do you want to see her on Saturday?
If she’s reading more into what you’re saying then you intend, then you’re not communicating. It’s not all her fault; communication goes both ways. Maybe you need to say more.
She asked me which one I thought looked good. If she’d wanted my thoughts on her entire wardrobe, she could have asked.
She asked me how I felt. I told her.
Here’s a tip for women. To many men, meat IS the meal. Vegetables are something you put around the meat to add color to the plate.
Ask me how I’d like my fish prepared.
The invitation was specifically for Friday. If she wanted to know my plans for the entire weekend, she should have said “what are you doing this weekend?”
Communication goes both ways. Maybe you need to ask more.
My thought when I first heard the title was “Oh. Right. D’oh!” I don’t think I need to read a whole book on it, but I have a wee bit of a tendency to get into soap opera mode sometimes, and sometimes I really do just need to chill.
I don’t want to get into gender stereotypes here – I know women who are direct, men who overanalyze stuff, women who couldn’t take a hint if it were delivered by Sherman tank, and men
Dammit! sorry – I obviously had a “premature submission” thing there.
My point – some men, and some women, demonstrate any of these behaviors. Let’s not get into the whole “why do men always” and “why don’t women ever” BS. I’ve learned to be more direct in my old age – but there are still times when it’s good to be reminded that the reason “he” didn’t call is that he ain’t gonna call, nothing more, nothing less.
I’ve got to say that pretty much every guy I’ve broken up with (I’m female) has ended up with crying, long notes begging for second chances, long explainations, etc. Guys do it, too. Nobody takes being dumped well.
One of the cleanest breakups that I had was with a really nice guy that I’d been seeing for about a year. We had a date and instead of going out, we stayed at my apartment and he told me straight out that he had lost interest over the last couple of months. He had the decency to stay for another hour or two, look sad, comfort me while I cried, talk about the good times and then say goodbye. I never saw him again. I was pretty crazy about him, but the way he handled it kept me from feeling so bad about myself. And it made the healing easier.
Bless you, Steve Mc – wherever you are.
More guys should have that kind of backbone.
As for the book, there’s a lot of sense to it. But some men fall in love a little at a time. Just because he’s not on the phone with you every day doesn’t mean that he’s a lost cause. Just be yourself and don’t wait around.
Actually, the few times I’ve been dumped, that’s been more or less my response. Only I never said or thought the “Maybe call me if you change your mind” part. I don’t want to be involved with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. I mean, why invest emotional energy in someone who is probably never going to put that kind of investment in you?
I don’t think that reasonable human beings are cruel to each other, but I don’t think they evade saying important things like, “Listen–you’re really sweet, but I don’t think we’re meant for each other.” Stringing someone along and hoping that he or she gets the hint is just cowardly and unfair.
You’re reading too much into what I’m saying. My wife and I communicate just fine. It just takes an extra couple of steps:
HER: How’s dinner?
ME: Good. I love the way you spiced the asparagus.
HER: You don’t like the chicken?
ME: I said it was good. I like the chicken, too. The whole meal is good.
HER: Okay. Thanks!
To many men, vegetables aren’t food. Vegetables are what food eats.
Me, I like a good hearty serving of veggies with my steak. But don’t try to sneak in tofu or eggplant as a meat substitute. Vegetables are always the side dish.
I had a guy stop going out after a few dates because he “could do better”. It seems he’d been working out, and therefore could now get a “hot” chick, instead of me.
My wife and I communicate just fine. It just takes an extra couple of steps: