"He's Just Not That Into You" (Yes, another dating thread..)

First, I tried to do a search on this, but for what ever reason it wouldn’t work. It just kept looping around back to the search page.

A little background on how this thread came about and why I bought the book. Over a month ago I went out with this guy we will call Mitch. The date was probably the best date I have ever been on in my life. It was amazing. At the end of the date we talked about going out again and not only how well we got along but how much fun he had. Yada Yada Yada. The next day we talked. Texted. Even talked a bunch of times on the phone as weeks continued. About a week later while on the phone he told me that while he was in another state for for work that weekend he was offered a potential opening at the beginning of the new year. He was pretty open about the fact that he liked me but that he wanted to take things slow.

Got it. Slow. During another conversation I said something along the lines of, “If I’m already aware of the potential of you moving further away (He already lives about 2 hours away from me, but is generally in the area often) what is the problem? We’re both adults.” He said that while he does like me, he really wants this job and if he gets this job he doesn’t want to have to choose between that and who ever he is dating. His exact words were, “I couldn’t be able to work over there when my mind is some where else.”

So I talked to my friend about this and she suggested I read this book called “He’s just not that into you.” If you have never heard of this book, here are some excerpts of it. The book pretty much says that guys like to chase and if a woman makes it to easy for them they will loose interest. There are many examples and while I was reading this I was beginning to learn that I make it to easy for a guy. If they hit on me and I am interested, I tell them. I’m pretty blunt and not into games.

Per this book, I should tease a little. Toy with him, in some ways. Is this true for most guys? Do you really like the chase? Do you hate it when a girl makes it to easy for you? I’m not talking about sex or putting out, I am talking about getting the number and how easily they may or may not give you their attention.

Do you get annoyed when you talk a few times, but they text you? What exactly are the rules to this game? And is Greg even close to being right? Am I going to have to wait for the guy to come to me, ask me out and actually call?

I don’t like games. If I get the feeling a girl I’m interested in truly is just hard to get in touch with and busy, it doesn’t affect my feelings for her. It does however (and I speak from experience here) affect my realistic estimation of how important I am to her, to the detriment of my continued interest in her.

No. When I’m interested in someone, I have an expectation that they will be interested in me, too, and that it will show for both of us through honest communication. As I said above, I don’t like games. If I were available and trying to get a girl to give me her phone number and she were being coy about it, it would be a clear sign to me that she wasn’t someone whose number I actually want. She either isn’t interested in me enough to give the number or she wants to play games. Either way, wrong for me.

Not sure what you’re asking here.

I recuse myself from these questions as unqualified. :slight_smile:

For example… You exchange numbers. You take the leap and call her first. Since the door of communication is open and the first date has already happened and went well… would you be annoyed if she texted you daily. Simple things like, “How’s your day?” “Doing anything fun”… just stupid little, flirty texts like that. Would that annoy you?
Another question, would you be put off or take the woman seriously if she asked for your number or walked up to you and gave you hers? The base of the book pretty much says to let the guy do all the work and if a girl freely walks up and gives a guy her number… the chances of him calling her would be lowered even if he was interested in her because the thrill of the chase is gone…

Well, I’m a chick so I can’t speak for the men out there, but my experience is the opposite of what that book says. Every serious relationship I have ever had has been one that I have initiated. I get asked out all the time (hell, I got asked out twice yesterday!) and nothing has ever come from those kind of encounters. All of my relationships have come from my taking the first steps.

The above is all true, but the people on the Dope, male and female, can hardly be counted as average. So why honest, direct communication may be heavily preferred here, maybe for the average man and woman it would be different.

Why else would the book have created so much buzz? I liked that it dealt directly with a horrible habit I have observed in women:excuse making. “Well, I know he hasn’t called in two weeks, but he’s really busy and he said that he had an evil goat in his room and maybe it ate his ears and he can’t hear so now he’s trying to find me!! I’ll just go ahead and send him ANOTHER text and save him the trouble.” And all of her friends, in an effort to be supportive, say “Oh, of course he likes you, he’s just at work/on vacation/not ready to commit but will be when you prove how much you are into him!!” The book was useful in the sense that it made it culturally and socially more acceptable to say “Move on, he doesn’t like you!”

But if you are looking to find a man of quality, I’d throw out all that other misguided crap. :slight_smile:

Did he respond? Did you initiate the texting every day?

'Cause it annoys me when someone does that to me when I’m not showing obvious return interest.

I’m a chick. Flipped through the book. The game-playing is stupid, counter-productive, and asinine.

But if anything good can come out if it, it’s that maybe some women will take the mixed signals and realize that hey, he’d just not that into you.

On preview–what torie said. She’s right about the excuse-making.

I did not like a “Chase.” Games like that would have turned me right off when I was single. Easy and accessible is not a turnoff.

I think this is a case where you should take the guy at his word. He doesn’t want to embark on a new relationship if he’s going to have to move away. It sounds like he’s trying to be upfront, but it’s not what you want to hear, so you think you can turn things around by playing games. It isn’t going to work.

Here’s something I can tell you about men that I know is true. If a guy is really into you, he won’t keep it a secret.

Admittedly, I only vaguely skimmed the book when it was on the “buy this now” tables at B&N, but I got an entirely different message than you did.

Per the book (as I understood it) - you should be yourself and quit analyzing the hell out of every single word or phrase or action that the guy does. The point was that a guy who was “into you” would simply start budgeting to come visit you on weekends and a guy who was not all that into you would say things like “I couldn’t be able to work over there when my mind is some where else.” So, don’t worry about it, don’t obsess over whether you were too upfront or you weren’t letting him chase you, or whatever. You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes it just isn’t going to work out. This is one of those times. Let it go. Move on. Keep being yourself.

Not male, and it may just be me, but I don’t like “How’re you doing?” off the cuff communication. If you have something to say, I’m glad to hear it, but pointless conversations make me a little nervous, I guess. I don’t text, but if I’m at work I don’t like anyone to call me unless there’s an emergency. Even when I’m home, I feel like it’s pointless, and wonder how I can get it over with. I’m not good at chitchat.

As for “He’s Just Not That Into You”, I haven’t read it, but the one interview I saw with the author basically said that his point is, if a guy wants to be with you, they’ll make you a priority. If you aren’t his priority, he’s just passing time. Passing time isn’t bad, but it isn’t “I love you madly and want to spend my life with you”.


No. If I’m interested in her, then her showing interest in me is all to the good.

Here’s my theory: some guys like the chase, and are reasonably good at it; others aren’t. If you “play hard to get” or let the guy do most of the work, you’re going to weed out the guys who don’t like the chase or who aren’t any good at it. Of the remaining ones who do like the chase, some have no interest in a serious relationship and are all about the conquest or about keeping their options open*; some will have long since caught themselves a partner that they’e happy with; and some are just jerks; leaving only a very small number that you’d want to have a good, solid relationship with.

*If your goal is to land one of these guys and get him to stay interested in you for the long term, then maybe the advice described in the OP is the way to go.

BrknButterfly, are you sure you got steered to the right book? The one you’re describing sounds more like The Rules than HJNTIY.


This was my interpretation of the OP as well.

Not at all, as long as she didn’t take my lack of reply as meaning “I’m not interested/Can’t be bothered”- I work in a job where I can’t have my phone on me, so I often don’t get messages until hours after people have sent them.

If an attractive woman walked up to me at a party or wherever and gave me her phone number (or asked me for mine) I’d be very happy and would take it as a huge compliment, because, IME, it’s one of those Things That Never Happen In The Real World*. So it wouldn’t affect the likelihood of me calling her, and if we’d been talking a lot first and then she said “Here’s my number, call me” then I think I’d be more likely to call her, not less.

Then again, I don’t like playing games or “The Chase” or anything like that. It’s irritating, I’m a busy man, and we’re not in High School anymore. (I’m also married, FWIW, so the answers I’m giving are based on how I’d feel if I wasn’t married. Or if my wife didn’t mind. ;))

*And yes, I know half a dozen posters are going to pop in and regale us with stories of the time this woman- who may even be their wife now- just walked up to them at a party and said “call me”, gave them her number, or asked a guy for his number out of the blue. Please, don’t bother with the stories, we’ll take it as read that you’re out there, OK?

I’ve posted on this topic in other threads and discussed it IRL. I’ve never been satisfied with the effectiveness of my answer. I’d like to try again.

In the best of all worlds, we would all be ourselves. E.g. if he wanted a LTR and you didn’t, if you were honest with yourselves and each other, honesty would reveal that and you’d move on to greener pastures, no crime no foul. Best of all, it would avoid the inevitable break before either had invested a lot in the relationship.

I think ppl get in trouble when they vary from this. If you’re not the sort who likes games, then don’t play them. You may win the skirmish but you’re going to lose the war. You want someone who understands you because he’s the same way. He does not act out of some psychological manipulation (a term that’s too strong, but you know what I mean) but because that’s how he is already.

What I read between the lines is that his priority is work/career. Me, I’d stay in a locale I didn’t like and work for less than I’m worth if I met the woman. But that’s me…and that’s the point. If fate “smiles” on you, he doesn’t get this job and he stays nearby and you date him. But there will always be other jobs luring him to other places, and I suspect you’ll always come in second place.

I’ll disclaim here and say that I have had rotten luck with women of the business world. My mind just doesn’t work that way, and I don’t wish to imply that I’m better or anything…I just recognize an incompatibility there. IME they put career and money ahead of people, and that’s foreign to me.

My unbridled, gloves-off opinion? During my divorce, I told my ex- that she should pile the money in bed with her to see if it kept her warm at night.

As others have said – nope, he really isn’t that into you. Oh well.

He likes you, has said as much, but has made it clear that he values this job’s potential more than your relationship’s potential. He’s not into you enough to pursue the relationship when you’re interested; why would he suddenly care more when you start playing hard-to-get?

I think it’s far more likely he’ll think, “Well, I guess she isn’t as into me as I thought she was. Oh well, too bad. It’ll make relocating that much easier” instead of, “Holy cow, she’s slipping away! I better escalate my pursuit, pronto!”

I very much liked “He’s Just Not That Into You” when I read it. I know many women who have excused obvious signs that the man they wanted just wasn’t as deeply interested in them as they were in him. Teasing and playing games won’t up your standing with him if he’s not very invested in you to begin with. You are the only one who can decide if your Mitch is worth accomodating. “Stupid little flirty” texts asking what he’s doing don’t sound very “adult” IMHO–manufactured conversations of the Q and A type annoy me and feel more like being checled up on than flirting when in a new relationship.

Yeah, this.

I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” when it first came out and I do think the basic idea is true. However, it doesn’t really work as a strategy to get a certain guy to like you by playing “hard to get” (that sounds more like the Rules books as Dio commented). Rather, I think the idea is to help you avoid wasting time on guys who are never going to be interested enough in you to have a real relationship. When you let go of those guys you don’t have a future with, it frees you to focus on finding someone who IS worth your time.

It sounds like this Mitch guy has decided that you’re a nice enough person to hang out with for now, but that you’re not a long term potential candidate. Now it’s just up to you to decide how much time you want to invest in him before trying to find someone who does want to be with you.