I recommend the OP read, oh, I think You Just Don’t Understand, Men & Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen. That’s more the problem she’s having- IMHO. He’s flatly told you, there’s no meta-message here about you being “too easy.”
:rolleyes:
If the guy is not interested in you because you are not a challenge, then why the fuck do you want him? He is obviously into playing mind games. He doesnt want a relationship, he wants a game.
Do you really want to try and build a life with someone who sees you as this week/months game
You’re going to go on a lot of great dates in your life, but great dates do not equal great relationships. They can grow into them, but simply having been on a date does not mean you’re now “in a relationship”. You went out with this guy once, and he’s done nothing to make it happen again. I think you’re done here.
I’ve never read HJNTIY, but I certainly hope that **lavenderviolet’s **interpretation is correct. I can’t imagine why you’d want to spend your time worrying about some guy who’s just not that into you. Fuck teasing, fuck toying, fuck games. Games only work on people who are more into the game than into you. Find yourself a sane, secure grownup who likes you enough that you don’t *have *to wonder how he feels.
I haven’t read any of these books either, nor do I plan to, and I suggest you do not either.
You got a dud. Happens to all of us, just chalk it up to experience. He does not deserve you, okay. You are better off with this guy far away.
When the right guy comes along along you won’t have to subdue your feelings. I don’t like playing games, and I think a guy who wants a relationship will not either. If he talks about another state or job before he talks about how he feels about you, let him go.
When you do meet someone you feel comfortable talking about the future with, keep talking.
It seems like a lot of people are assuming that this guy is a “dud” based on insufficient information. My reading of this is that they’ve gone out on a single date, and have communicated in some fashion nearly every day since that date for a month. They live 2 hours apart, and he travels for work.
I think the into-you-ness kind of hinges on what has kept you from having a second date. Have you kept bringing it up but he’s repeatedly put it off? Have you not even talked about it? Have both of you tried to find a day for it, but travel and busy schedules have made it impossible so far?
If he didn’t like you at all, he wouldn’t be talking on the phone quite so much. (It’s easy enough to not pick up the phone.) If he just wanted to bed you and move on, he probably would have put those wheels in motion already. Maybe there are other options here, but I think this kind of leaves us with:
- Relationships freak him out and he’s keeping his distance because he really likes you.
- He’s extraordinarily lazy.
- Or you can just take him at his word: he doesn’t want to start what he thinks might be a serious relationship right as he may be moving away.
Or, I suppose in the world of game-playing it could all be some kind of involved game about leading you on towards nothing, he’s married but like the attention, blah blah blah. How you guys met would be a useful bit of information, I suppose.
But let’s that he really does want to take it slow – so how slow is too slow? If you guys can make another date in the next few weeks – let’s say an hour away from both of you so there’s no pressure to spent the night – that’s something to build on. If he strongly states that he’d rather not go on another date until after his job situation is settled, just tell him to call when he knows what’s going to happen, and try and forget about him. (Frankly, if I’d gone out on a single date with someone and they told me they were considering passing over a new job in order to stay near me, I’d think they were nuts.)
If he won’t make a decision at all but would rather keep up the texting/calling relationship but not actually seeing you in person, I’d say you have a Number 1 on your hands and those people are largely uncurable but can sometimes be bullied into having an unsatisfactory relationship.
I don’t think this is what you’re talking about exactly, but I think a phone call should be followed with a phone call, rather than an e-mail or a text. When someone e-mails in response to a phone message I regard it as two-thirds of a blowoff. I would also regard daily messages with someone I’ve met only once to be a little overdoing it, phone calls more so than e-mails. I don’t really text that much, being all old and crap. (Oh, I’m male, if it matters.)
Changing your approach based on an advice book sounds like a dumb idea, to me. Those books are written to be general, and while they may make good points (I’ve never read one) it’s up to you to decide whether or not a particular approach is good for you. This one seems to be the opposite of what you would naturally do, so I would say it isn’t for you.
Anyway: I’m a guy, and no, I never wanted to do the chase thing. Who needs it? I don’t know how to do that stuff and I don’t want to have to figure it out. I’ve had two long term relationships post high school, and they went like this: met a girl, hit it off, called her four days later and went on our first date whenever we were available. That lasted about a year and a half. Some years later, I hit it off with a friend’s roommate and there was positively a spark. We had a long conversation one night, and made a date for the following day. The date was Memorial Day 2006 and we’ve been together since then.
I do agree that the answers you get from Doper guys are probably not typical. Then again, you’re here, too. If you don’t have the patience to play certain kinds of dating games, you may not find yourself happy with guys who do.
Some guys like the hunt. I know a few like this. Not all do. Some guys like the straight-forward approach. Not all do.
I am a guy who, if he is interested in a woman, likes to know she is interested too.
Both women who I have been in love with pursued me. The first one used to send me little cards to let me know she was thinking of me. It always took me by surprise and always made me smile. I didn’t even realize I was falling in love.
I guess you’ll have to ask yourself if you want a guy who likes the hunt and likes the games, or if you want one of the others. I know that if a woman plays games with me, I lose interest very quickly.
He’s not playing games. He’s being very honest with you.
He’s more focused on work than he is on you. That should be more than a hint to you that regardless of how great that first date was there’s really nothing more to see here.
If a man is interested in a woman he will do what it takes to get to her. I’ve known men who drove hundreds of miles for dinner, who gave up weekends to commute to distant states (and other countries!) to spend a little bit of time with the woman of their dreams. A man who has found that woman will do whatever it takes.
I will note in passing that a factor in this might well be because that first date was so great. I’ve had male friends who had great first dates like this and they felt it was such a perfect moment that anything else would destroy it. They felt they couldn’t top themselves the second time around and didn’t want to disappoint and so there was never another chance.
Don’t take it personal, it’s not about hurting your feelings. He was straight up with you and he doesn’t want to waste your time. This outcome is not what you want but there’s not really a lot you can do about it except take the hint and move on.
I would respectfully submit based upon the evidence that you meant to say “I know that if a woman plays certain kinds of games with me …”
33 y/o single guy here, I couldn’t disagree more with the excerpts I read from that book. From the first sentence, I can say there have been puhlenty of girls I was into that I never asked out (because I assumed they weren’t or wouldn’t be into me). Now granted, I’m very shy so I’m not exactly “most guys”, but then again, the guy who wrote the book is well known stand up comedian. He’s used to a lifestyle where he gets tons of attention from girls after his shows. Naturally his outlook is going to be very different from normal guys. I think most average guys actively dislike “the chase”.
I can say that the daily “How Are You?” text messages might be a bit much. If it was something like “Happy Friday” where you weren’t expecting a response, it would be better because then the guy doesn’t feel obligated to text back if he’s busy or just not a texter. That said, it certainly wouldn’t change my opinion of you if you were someone I liked.
And to pbbth, do you really have to rub it in that you’ve been asked out more times in one day that I’ve been in my whole life? 
Must be nice being a pretty girl.
T(I haven’t read the actual book, so going on what you’ve said). IMO, there is a nub of truth there: guys, like women, don’t want to date someone who seems desperate. But the opposite of desperate isn’t ‘hard to get and playing stupid games’, it’s ‘confident, able to stand up for yourself, and able to say Goodbye if necessary.’
Sorry I am a little late getting back to the thread. Ended up passing out early last night and have been at a training class all day so I am just catching up now. If I miss any of your questions, feel free to call me out on it…
Yes it is the right book. I have it sitting on my kitchen counter right now.
You are right, he is being upfront as to what he wants. I accept that, really I do. I was just looking to spend more time with him before he went (of if he goes) and get to know him better. If anything (like I told him) he and I are so much a like that I think if anything he would be a great friend.
I wasn’t meaning or wasn’t trying to imply that I was playing hard to get with him. It’s the complete opposite. I’m open to going or hanging out with him again, just as he is or said he is. I was asking that in the future if I should let them play the “chase” game or if it was completely fabricated.
I seriously hope he isn’t a Doper. lol First let me say that I instigated this date. He came to my work do teach a class. I thought he was intriguing. So I found his myspace, after a little bit at emailing, he asked me out.
Our first date ended up being a 9 hour date that was only suppose to be dinner and drinks (no I didn’t sleep with him) and we ended up parting ways around 2am on a day that we both had to be up for work 4 hours later. We have tried to plan 4 other days since then, but he is a manager for a large company. 3 dates were broken for his work and 1 for a health issue. We’ve talked on the phone a few times, but most communication has been done by text or email. He has given me the address to his house where I was suppose to meet him there for one of the planned dates. Since the last week, texts have been few and far between.
I think with the recent less texting and emailing, he is losing interest or is just diving deeper into work. It was after he canceled the 4th date I got annoyed and asked him if I should just let whatever interest go. The jist I got was, No but that I had to understand that he has a busy job and a lot of responsibility. I get that and told them that. I’ve stopped texting him because lately it seems that I am instigating them even though he does respond to them at his own pace.
I understand and accept that the possibility of this ever working out is nil. If he moves or doesn’t move, his job takes a lot of them. Though what I was wondering and the point of the OP was, in the future should I or shouldn’t even ask a guy out or show interest? I did the opposite and seeked him out, but him ultimately asking me out. By the bases of the book, I shouldn’t have even done that because if he was interested in me he would have seeked me out. Or made the first move.
Is the book Bunk? From what I am getting so far from you guys that the “chase” is, but making excuses for a guy that doesn’t call, isn’t.
I generally think he was and is interested… Though with work and the high ambitions he has set for himself I think it is going to take a lot or a special person to slow him down.
I was just wondering about the future and other guys… still take the pro active approach or wait for them…
When someone is that into you, and its that mutual, there isn’t any need for either party to give “chase” because both people want to find every reason they possibly can for being near the other person. There isn’t a need to chase because phone calls are responded to, you hang out waiting for the text to come through. Ah, infatuation…the attached at the hip stage.
If only one person is finding every excuse to be near the other way, that’s creepy stalking.
And when both people walk away saying “um…no” no problem.
Here’s my take on it (caveat - I’m laughably long out of the dating game). I’ve simplified and generalized for clarity. Gender and orientation are not the issue here. I don’t believe men are inherently different from women at a basic level.
Adult people, deep down, are a lot like 3yr olds. A 3yr old can have a toy that they don’t play with for months at a stretch. If another kid comes over and plays with that toy, all of a sudden the 3yr old wants it. Badly.
People want to be with people who are desirable. What is a primary way we know who is desirable? Other people want them. This is one reason many people find it’s easier to attract a person when you’re already with another person. The opposite of this form of desirability is desperation.
Desperation in a budding relationship means almost certain death. If a person appears desperate or needy, it stands to reason (in our lizard brains) that they are that way because no one else wants them. A desperate person is not desirable.
But one has to express interest to make any type of connection. Otherwise we’d all go about our lives and no one would hit on anyone. The key is, how *much *interest to show? Show too little interest, and the person you are persuing thinks you’re not into them. Show too much, and they think you’re a crazy loser stalker. Drawing the line at the right point is the tricky part.
You don’t have to play games. You can be honest about your interest. But at some point, you’ve done all you can/should do - you’ve let him know you are interested. Then the ball is in his court and there’s nothing you can do about that. All the game playing in the world can’t make someone want you. But laying it on too thick (How thick is too thick? That’s one of the world’s great mysteries) can make a person run for the hills.
Why would you want to wait for someone who is not that interested in you? What purpose is served?
Don’t you want someone in your life who very much wants to see you, wants to spend time with you, is eager and willing to go out on dates with you?
He’s not that guy. if he was he’d be texting you, asking you out, etc. He’s not. So let go already.
If you’re all fixated on this guy who’s not studying you then you’ll totally miss the guy who does want to go out with you, cares about pleasing you, etc. That would be a shame. Life’s too short to mess around with slight possibilities. Go find that man who is thrilled at the prospect of spending time with you, that’s a much better bet.
For your sake OP, I hope you don’t take anything you read in that book too seriously. Frankly, the premise you described (that guys like the chase) is a crock of shit.
I looked the book up on Amazon, and I’d like to extend a special surprise to each of the authors. To Greg Behrendt, I offer a solid, forceful punch right in the cock.To Liz Tuccillo, I offer a solid roundhouse right in the ovaries. And to Lauren Monchik, I offer a rough, sharp twig in the vagina.
OP - if you like a guy, be proactive. Not overly persistent, but proactive. There’s a subtle difference. The authors assert that guys like a chase, and thus a woman must provide the chase to attract a guy or they will lose interest. … Every time I hear this sentiment uttered it drives me batshit crazy. The people (like these authors) who propagate these rumors I think are the cause of some terrible frustration in the dating world for a lot of people. You know what does cause guys to lose interest? When you (general, generic you) try to play games and behave in an inconsistent way. I just don’t have the patience for that kind of thing. I don’t enjoy it, and it doesn’t amuse me or in any other way pique my interest.
Again, to the OP I suggest acting and responding like you feel appropriate without trying to engineer a “chase.”
Im not talking about THIS guy. I am talking about the approach for future guys.
You’re just not getting it.
Every situation is different and guys are people too.
So choose how you’re going to act on a case-by-case basis.
If you really are interested in a guy, be more proactive. Hopefully, he’ll return your attentions. If he doesn’t, lay off a little bit. He’ll either pick up the ball or he won’t. That’s not playing games. That’s just basic social skills.
Trying to make a guy chase you is stupid. Do you really want to go out with Herb Tarlik?
But you do need to learn to accept that the most common reason that a guy isn’t being as attentive as you might like is that he’s just not that into you!
I get what you guys are saying… where I am generally new to this whole dating thing… I was just wondering if the book had basis. I am blunt and very forward so I have no problem taking the first step with asking a guy out… With all my friends telling me to read this book, I get it now. I don’t think they wanted me to read it so much for how to interact with them. It was more for the excuses I may have made for them.
Got it. As for “Mitch”, I have let that go. He knows that I am or was interested, if he feels the same he has my number. I’m looking forward, not behind me. I just was wondering if I was being to forward or blunt by asking someone out first.
Tis all.
Yah, he really just isn’t that into you.
What you need to take away from this is not that you need to change yourself, or change your approach, or change how you act with men. What you need to figure out is that if the guy was into you he could be the CEO of BigShot Corp, bleeding out of his eyeballs, in the throws of setting up a merger that would net him one brazillion dollars and he would STILL make time to see you.
Seriously - he’s blowing you off. If a guy in the future says similar things to this, HES blowing you off. Let him and go and find a guy for whom your flirty text messages will be like mana from heaven.