I hate it when I girl I just met sends me text messages with things like “how’s your day” or small chit-chatty things. That screams “needy” to me, as in they’ve found someone they like (e) and now crave that interaction. I hate it when people are like that. Live your own fuckin’ life, when we’re together we’re happy, and when we’re apart the world doesn’t end. I’ll tell you about my day when I see you.
Innit funny how some people think life is a Hollywood movie? Your eyes meet across a crowded room and suddenly you have met the love of your life and you live happily after? No arguments, no debates, no compromises…it just works.
And innit funny how some people will take the worst shit from the SO and perservere because they love the other person?
Reality, IMO, is somewhere between those two scenarios. If it’s too good to be true, think twice. But likewise, if your friends are telling you to get your head examined, ditto. If it isn’t a perfect situation, but it isn’t far from the ideal, then you might just have something there.
The thing that amazes me about dating is that we (m/f) are supposedly on the same page yet all too often we can’t make it work. Sure, some are looking for a hookup and some want the LTR, but shouldn’t they accidentally run into their own kind from time to time?
I’m straight, so I’ll phrase accordingly: boy meets girl. Wait, scratch that—man meets woman. They both know what a total PITA dating can be. They’ve both suffered through the disillusionment of a failed relationship with someone whom they thought was “the one.” They just want some peace, someone connected to them, someone who “gets” them.
As adults we’ve kidded ourselves, put ourselves on the line, gone the extra mile, yadda, and seen it blow up. We’d like to think this one is different, but in all likelihood it’s another false positive.
That brings me back to my earlier post. If his value system pushes him toward career/money and yours is toward relationships, then OP, you need to get out.
Well that may work for you, but it doesn’t seem to be BrknButterfly’s style. And that’s OK. It just means that the right guy for her is not someone who sees little messages and endearments as needy, but rather as something sweet a cute girl does - and he will probably do the same.
You on the other hand obviously want a woman who doesn’t want to give you the ins and outs of her day unless you’re face to face (and maybe not even then?) And that’s OK too - you just need to find that chick.
BrknButterfly - you don’t seem like someone who has some huge personality problem or disorder that you need to sort out first. You don’t need to change your style - just find the right guy who digs it. Different strokes for different folks and all that.
I guess the key is that when it fits, it fits. Before I met my husband I tied myself in knots during relationships - usually involving over-analysis of what went right and wrong, getting friends opinions etc. But when I met MrTig it was just… easy. I know it seems cliched but things fit. We enjoyed each others company and didn’t need to wonder if we were spending too much time or too little time together - it didn’t even enter our minds. We were compatible in all the ways that were important to us and its been happy times since (going on 13 years).
So anyway - if a guy is into you he will want to be with you and you with him and you really won’t have all those questions going on in your head. It will just feel natural.
Yup, you get it! 
Yep. But she asked for opinions. Just because a guy doesn’t like to tell you about his day doesn’t always mean he doesn’t like you, it can mean you have different preferences. The only problem is that there’s no way to explain this without being an ass. It’s like arguing that felons deserve voting rights–nobody wants to be on that side of the argument, even if it’s technically fine.
Well I’d like to think I that I don’t have a huge personality disorder. I just tend to live in the moment far more then I probably should. As much as I would like the fairytale, I know that it is unrealistic. Still sucks though.
After getting divorced, I decided to take a year off and try to get my shit together as much as I could. Tried to figure out what I wanted out of my life. The type of person I am attracted to it. If that was healthy. I dissected as much of my life and myself as possible to help or understand how I got myself in the situation I had just gotten out of. Figured out the type of guy I was interested and was surprised to find that he actually exist and they was interested in me. It was a nice surprised, but sucked when it didn’t work out.
So in the last year of dating nothing seems to be working out and I was beginning to think I was approaching it the wrong way. Just sucks striking out each and every time whether it be me ending it or him. Just frustrating and it makes it worse to see my ex-husband has a new gf and moving on with his life while it feels like I’m stuck in the mud.
Bah.
Yup, I did. Different strokes for different folks. It annoys me too if I’m not in to them. Though if I am really interested in them, I find it sweet.
But I’m black and white when it comes to dating. If I wasn’t interested in them I come right out and tell them. We are all adults. I was just hoping guys were like that too and it seems like the ones I have come in contact with aren’t.
He may be into you; what he’s not into is a relationship with you right now.
You may hear a different story in a couple months if the job elsewhere falls through.
I don’t think your approach is not working; I think it IS working and guys are just being filtered out. Yeah, it sucks that you’re striking out again and again, but you’ve said it’s only been a year or so of dating. The reflection you’ve done is good, and your approach is good, but that doesn’t mean it’ll all pay off quickly.
Ignore the pressure you feel because your ex-husband has a new girlfriend. All that blah you feel over that, that’s mostly you putting that on yourself. He’s not a part of your life anymore, so stop comparing his life to yours.
For the most part, I dislike the chase. I think our rules of relationship initiation are asinine. If you’re interested, tell me. If not, let’s be friends. Simple enough, right?
That said, for the girls who text and call every day: Stop it. Now. You look immature and clingy. Most guys at least try to hold up an appearance initially that they’re too busy to talk. Girls shuold be doing the same thing. That’s not chasing, that’s being your own person.
I think the book mentioned in the OP is a hot, steaming pile of elephant crap.
Most great relationships happen when you’re not looking, because when you’re looking you’ve internalized the idea that you are somehow Incomplete. When you’re not looking, you focus more on work, friends and your hobbies, so you come across happier, confident, and ultimately, more desirable and attractive. Don’t figure it as a game-try to live a fulfilled life, and you’ll discover that the right guy will come to you in time OR (gasp!) that you don’t need a man a’tall.
What the book essentially boils down to is a perversion of the golden rule. If he’s not acting exactly like you are, he doesn’t like you.
I hear you and have felt the same way.
I’m a guy dating women, FTR.
And I hate “the chase”.
THIS is what I need to learn. Not only learn, but live it and not realize I’m living it…
Sorry for the lag of responding, things have been crazy… But here’s an update for you. We ended up talking on the phone Thursday into Friday (between texting and talking) for almost 4 hours. Ended up making plans for that friday night and he followed through.
We went out… and I left thinking… “What exactly what I was so excited about again?” So I’m just doing my own thing and if something comes of it, so be it… if not… I’m not so heartbroken over it. I think part of my lack of excitement was the time lapse between dates, miscommunication and mild drama.
Well good luck whichever way it turns out!