Oops! Thanks!
Homer: “Lisa, honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Ham? Pork chops?”
Lisa: “Dad! Those all come from the same animal!”
Homer: “Yeah, right, Lisa, a wonderful, magical animal.”
“Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.”
After Bart is caught stealing at the Try-n-Save:
Homer: We live in a society of laws. What do you think we took you to see those Police Academy Movies for…for fun? Well I didn’t hear anyone laughing…except at that guy that made sound effects, heh heh. Where was I, oh yeah stay out of my booze.
And on a similar note, when Marge trains to become a policewoman:
Homer: When I first heard Marge was joining the police academy I thought it would be fun and zany like that movie, Spaceballs. Instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie Police Academy.
“Remove the stone of shame… attach the stone of triumph!”
“Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We dooo… we dooo…”
“Now, let’s all get drunk and play ping-pong!”
(Within a flashback about the founding of the United States)
Inkeeper: Please sir, you’re destroying my establishment.
George Washington: I’ve just created the greatest Democracy in the world you low life commoner!
“…stay away from Death Mountain.”
“But all my stuff is there!”
(film footage of Harry Truman presenting trillion-dollar bill to Europeans)
“This money is to help our allies, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily…”
(scene with Homer’s German body double)
Fake Homer: Aren’t there any evil movies on? Maybe about an evil island?
Bart: There’s something different about you, Dad.
Fake Homer: I am a new tie wearing.
Bart: Oh yeah.
(Homer protecting his ill-gotten sugar gains)
Homer: Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! [gets stung] Ow. Oww! Oh, they’re defending themselves somehow.
Thanks for this thread. Kept me going at work today, it did.
“Mr. Simpson! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense!”
“Homer, there’s a family of possums living in here.”
“I call the big one Bitey.”
“They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.”
“Don’t eat nothin’ for the next three days, 'cause I am gonna buy you a steak the size of a toilet seat!”
“Well, I have just finished a whole lamb… but I reckon I can take you to school.”
“Maybe for once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’”
“If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”
“Oh, just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is 68,000 dollars.”
“Everything’s too damn expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! EVERYBODY’S a sinner! …Except this guy.”
Just used this in the office…
Lisa: Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for “crisis” as they do for “opportunity?”
Homer: Yes! Crisitunity!
Homer: Don’t you ever get tired of always being wrong?
Marge: Sometimes.
I don’t remember the exact quote, but something along the lines of: “Come on, kids, don’t you want to lick daddy’s giant sugar ball?”
(…hearing the tail end of a Kent Brockman news report)
“…authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high topped sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.”
Australian: That’s not a knife. THAT’S a knife!
Lisa: That’s a spoon.
Australian: Ah, I see you’ve played knifey-spooney before.
I liked the quote a moment before: "That was In the Garden of Eden, by I. Ron Butterfly
Stupid bug! You go squish now!
I’m disrespectful to dirt! Can you see that I am serious?
You wanted to be Krusty’s sidekick since you were five. What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college? — I’ll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow? — I could ask you the very same question! — Hmmm, should I just back out of the room? — Would you?
And of course in Canada the whole thing’s flip-flopped.
What’s this?! “Extremely High Voltage”? Well, I don’t need safety gloves, because I’m Homer Sim—
Mmmmm… floor pie!
Simp-son, Homer Simpson
He’s the greatest guy in history
From the town of Springfield
He’s about to hit a chestnut tree (hits chestnut tree)
Hail Ants!
Pretty much everything Grandpa says:
“I’m filled with piss and vinegar. Originally, I was only filled with vinegar.”
“You were spanked by the President? Why, in my day, presidents spanked you all the time. I was spanked by Grover Cleveland on two non-consecutive occasions”
and the whole Aaah! Death! routine.