**Grandpa:**They used to call me Grifty McGriff. I wrote the book on Flim-Flammin.
Grandpa: Call me mint jelly cuz I’m on the lamb.
From memory, so it might be off a bit:
Mr. Burns: If it’s a crime to love one’s county, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars, then I’m guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that too!
–Cliffy
Ah, the quotable Mr. Burns.
“This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes just cost me the election! Yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail! That’s democracy for you.”
"Smithers, now that I’m the town’s oldest man… I’m starting to realize I’m not a young man anymore. "
(After The Ramones end a performance of “Happy Birthday” by telling him to drop dead):
“Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.”
“But sir, those --”
“Do as I say!!”
“Whoa, whoa, slow down! There’s a New Mexico?”
(On handing Homer a rookie baseball card of Joe DiMaggio):
“Apparently they’re allowing ethnics in the Big Leagues now.”
(In response to Mexican non-union bio-pic filmmaker Señor Spielbergo’s objection that “Pero Schindler es muy bueno… Señor Burns es El Diablo”):
“Schindler and I were like two peas in a pod! We both owned factories… We both sold arms to the Nazis… But mine worked, dammit!”
“I’ll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast and a Dodo’s egg… And rotate my office so it the window faces the hills!”
“Compadres! It is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember: a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya! (Smithers whispers in his hear) …Uh, by which of course I mean, it’s time for our Worker of the Week award!”