Favorite. Joke. Ever.
A three-legged poodle walks into the bar, back in the Old West. He saunters up to the bar, pounds on it to get the bartender’s attention, and says: “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”
Polar bear walks into a bar and says “Give me a… whiskey sour.”
Bartender says “Why the big paws?”
A skeleton walks into a bar …
“Gimme a beer,” he tells the bartender.
“A beer!?” the bartender says, “But you’re a SKELETON … !”
“Oh yeah, right … .”
The skeleton pauses to think.
“Gimme a beer and a mop … .”
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper says “You have a drink named ‘Steve’?”
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats
the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you
going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA!
Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following
definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves”.
I love puns, too. A local newspaper was having a Best Puns Contest one time. So this guy I know sent in ten entries, thinking surely one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Nah, it doesn’t really make a difference. Here’s why: as soon as the listener hears a “joke” with a character who has a specific name, he knows that the character was given that name as a set-up. If I’m being told a joke that has a person, let’s call her…oh, I don’t know…“Patty Black,” I’m saying to myself IMMEDIATELY, “this person has been given this name because it’s convenient to the teller of the joke. Otherwise, the name would not be told to me… What sounds like Patty Black? It must be Paddywhack…” … and the joke is ruined. If the joke goes out of its way to create a name that oh-so-conveniently rhymes with the thing you want it to rhyme with, how much creativity and cleverness did it really take to come up with the pun?
“Lester Speese”? Come on. Why not just name the character “Lettuce Cheese” and be done with it?
You can manipulate made-up names to sound like anything. Now, if there really were a guy named Lester Speese in your life, and you were able to make a little joke about him, great. But creating him just because he sounds like “Lettuce, cheese” is, in my mind, cheating in the pun world.
That’s just me, anyway.
You are a tough audience, *9Fe.
How about if the guy is named Leonard Cleese?
Dang it, I hate when I do that with coding.
A penknife and a piece of string walk into a bar. The bartender tells them, you can stay Mr. Knife, but your friend has to leave. We don’t allow strings in the bar.
So they both go outside and bitch abut how unfairly the string is being treated. The string gets the bright idea of disguising himself by having the penknife tie him into a knot. So the penknife ties the string into a beautiful half hitch, then begins to cut the ends off the string.
“Hey!” says the string. “What do you think you’re doing?” “Your ends are all frayed and worn,” says the knife. “I’m just tryiing to get you looking a bit more presentable.” “Well, leave my frayed and worn ends alone, dude. Let’s just go in and get a drink.”
So they go back into the bar, each take a stool and order a beer. The bartender places a beer infromt of the penknife, who immediately begins to quaff the frosty brew. As he’s about to give the string his beer, he looks closely and says, “Say, aren’t you the string I just threw out of here?”
The string stares him down for a few seconds, then says, “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”