In addition to all that has been said above, it also sounds like having a dog isn’t particularly healthy for you. This is unusual, as I think often a dog can make an excellent companion for someone with some anxiety issues. But the way you describe the situation doesn’t sound like you are approaching your relationship with your dog in a healthy way at all. I hope your therapist will address this with you, and that you will further consider whether having a dog at all is a good decision for you, your husband and your dog(s).
Haha, okay, I had to answer this one. I guess because Spot’s name is very unique, and I’m just afraid that someone I know in the “real world” will come across me writing this post and recognize a chihuahua with that name and know that I am writing it. I have actually met a lot of people through Spot, from the playgroup we go to, obedience class, local chihuahua group, etc. Plus the new dog, Fifi, also has a unique name, which she already had and I didn’t change. I just don’t want someone from the rescue to come across this and see what a nutjob I am - although if I return her, I guess they will find out soon enough.
I realize that my original post sounds like Spot just does whatever he wants, but that is not the case at all. Yes, I get upset when he is hurt and worry too much about him, but he is trained. He does not have accidents, will sit before being given food, and goes for walks mostly okay. At play groups he does sometimes hump other dogs but is hardly the worst offender. He does not act aggressive toward people. In fact, I have gotten compliments from others on what a well-behaved chihuahua he is. His main issue is just being really really hyper, and whiny for attention. I admit that I am probably not helping things when I freak out over him being hurt or upset, which probably just makes him react worse, but on a day to day basis he had generally been behaving well.
Maybe it’s just an issue when he is alone with other dogs, instead of a group setting. The way he keeps pestering Fifi to play is exactly what he already does with our cat. In a group setting like the dog park or play groups, he sort of acts like he has ADD and will bounce around from dog to dog, with many brief interactions. With just Fifi or just the cat, all his attention is focused on them, and he gets very annoying to them. Whereas the cat will usually jump someplace high to get away from him, Fifi is growling and lunging. I guess I can’t blame her. But as I said, he does not act that way in a group setting, and when we had our first meeting with Fifi, she seemed to respond positively to his playing.
When we first noticed an issue with him and the cat, months ago, I got a dog trainer to come to the house, observe and give advice. She said that it just looked like mutual play, because the cat would sometimes indulge him a bit before deciding to run/jump away. She said that is just how he plays and the only thing she advised was to train him to come when called (which he does) to get him away from the cat if it looked like he was hurting her, and to strategically arrange the room to give the cat escape routes (which we did). And this was the second trainer I contacted. The first person I called wouldn’t even help, as when I explained the problem (of the dog pestering the cat, not taking the hint that she wanted to be left alone) she said it just sounded like they were playing and there was nothing she could do.
But yes, I see that I was trying to get a second dog to fix what I wasn’t giving Spot, which was enough attention. If we do not end up keeping Fifi (although hubby is trying to encourage me to stick with her) I will re-commit to giving him more attention - going for more walks, figuring out new ways to play with him, taking more trips to the dog park, running in the backyard, etc.
I would guess that the OP is protecting her own privacy.
ETA: ninjaed.
All good points. Although I thought that up until now my life as a dog owner was good. But I guess it does sort of sound co-dependent, as I had developed an unhealthy obsession/infatuation with the dog, treating him like my special snowflake who I never wanted to be unhappy. But I was very happy with him, and I think he has been happy with me. I really had been trying to keep him well trained, going to classes, socialization, etc. When all this blows over, whatever I end up doing with Fifi, I know I want to keep Spot. But maybe further psychologist appointments will help with that.
Sorry, wasn’t clear in my OP. My husband did not comfort and soothe her when she growled - only when Spot was pestering her and she was clearly trying to get away. I am trying to correct her but probably not doing a good job. But your other points are well taken.
I’ve had my Rat Russell (half Jack Russell-half Rat terrier) rescue, Ollie, for 9 years. It took me a while to get used to him, (he’s only half Jack biologically but he’s 100% Jack in temperament- very hyper, very stubborn, no impulse control- they’re a very specific and very strong personality, and I was expecting something more like my mother’s laid back little rat terrier who I was nuts about). However, me getting used to him is another story: suffice it to say that now I am absolutely nuts about him and am totally “that guy who can’t post three things on Facebook without one of them being about his dog”.
However, I recently moved from a townhouse where I’d lived for 6 years (and which he’d known since he was a puppy since it was my mother’s before I lived there and we used to visit her often) to an apartment in a new city. Ollie lost his shit when we moved; he went nuts, regressed in his housetraining, started trembling (he’s the friendliest dog on Earth usually but was just a basket case), would have fits when I tried to leave in the morning, there were complaints he was barking (never a problem before [though I’m still not sure that was true]) and when I tried crating him for the first time in years hoping it would alleviate some of his anxiety it made it 5 times worse. He was just absolutely impossible to deal with for a few weeks- I got to where I dreaded coming home. Same furniture, same me, same food, he still slept next to me at night, I even had a friend come and stay with him a couple of times, but he just couldn’t adjust to the move. For the first time ever I considered asking my sister to take him because while she’s a tea-partying passive-aggressive-tinfoil-hat-wearing total nutjob who would make Mr. Rogers kick a burned orphan in the nuts she does love dogs and her own “damned near as crazy as she is” dog is going to expire very soon and my sister and her husband are retired and can be with him far more hours of the day than I can.
He settled down due to a variety of factors, but the two most important were Prozac (got a prescription from the vet- it’s $4 for a bottle) and, I think more than anything, getting used to his new surroundings. DOGS ARE VERY VERY TERRITORIAL AND THEY HATE ANY KIND OF MAJOR CHANGE, but they’re also adaptive. They’ll adjust initially, it just takes them a while. Fifi has gone through the equivalent of a major death in the family plus a relocation and she’ll need some time to adjust.
That said, is her foster mom taking her back still a possibility?
Everything you are saying is correct. Yes, I have been thinking of Spot as more of my “real” pet and Fifi just as something to entertain him. I have no excuse for myself.
Because I am neurotic and I get apprehensive about lots of things. So I wasn’t sure if I was feeling justifiably apprehensive or if I was just being my usual worrywart self. But this entire thread has made me see that I am taking entirely too long between therapy appointments.
Should read “They’ll adjust eventually”. How long depends on the dog, but three days is definitely not enough, and, as with the usually friendly and outgoing and funny and loving and too-brave-for-his-own-good Ollie who anybody would have thought was the biggest scaredy-cat and neurotic little nutdog you ever met when he first moved, her personality during the adjustment period might have nothing to do with her usual personality.
I wanted to say, I don’t think you are a bad person. People get pets for all kinds of awful reasons. Getting a dog to help make the dog you love happy isn’t selfish and awful, it just maybe isn’t a good idea. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I think you’re in the clear morally here. You are being really hard on yourself, and I think that’s another factor clouding your judgment; you don’t want to be a bad person who abandons dogs. But you need to look at this with a clear head. All these issues stem back to you making decisions for emotional reasons and not thinking things through enough. Which is a totally normal failing, and not something to beat yourself up over. But still. Quit.
I mean, my newest dog came to live with me because her owner died suddenly, and I wasn’t sure I wanted her (or rather, the stress another dog entails) but I kept her for a bit because I didn’t know how to say no. And then I decided to make her a permanent pet because she makes my other dog so happy. So, lots of people take on dogs for this reason. Now the happy ending is that after time passed, the new girl, Sasha, started to fit in to our family, and I’ve really learned to love her for the dog she is. I’m very happy she lives here now, and if anything happened to her I’d be devastated. But it took time.
If you want to make this work, you can. But be honest with yourself. Do you want this dog? If you don’t, give her back now before she develops behavioral issues. Because then you’ll return her, but you’ll feel worse because she won’t be adoptable anymore. Stop thinking with your heart, and think with your head. With effort, you can make this happen. But you have to want it. If you;re only trying because you feel like you “ought to” you won’t give it 100% and you won’t be successful.
eta: and I know I said before that you shouldn’t keep her, but your subsequent posts seem like you aren’t as dog-clueless as it seemed. Which, being dog-clueless isn’t a crime. No one is born knowing this stuff. As long as you desire to learn, it can be fixed. But the desire has to be there, you know?
It’s also really easy to make a pet insecure and undermine its self-confidence by smothering it and never letting it do for itself. And insecure animals have behavioral problems, often huge, miserable ones.
Puppy training classes might be a place to start. That way a professional can teach you how to properly read and interact with the dogs, and can address behavioral problems in the dogs, if they are in fact behavioral problems and not them just responding to your signals.
Or, get a fish. I’m a bit horrified that, according to what you’ve shown us here, there’s absolutely no middle ground in how you feel about your pets. You either love the one or hate the other, with nothing in between. That’s not normal.
Chihuahuas are the spawn of Satan and you brought two into your house. Thats your problem right there. Did you do any research at all? They are very willful and can be nasty. You need to train them right from the beginning. It doesn’t seem like you did. There will be jealousy and dominance issues. Chi’s have no idea they are rodent sized and don’t act like it. We have fostered a few and they are cute when puppies but I would never want to keep one. The last one we had (Half chi half something maybe rat terrier) was the most adorable puppy I have ever seen. Very sweet with people. He also tried to murder my dog by ripping its throat out. Luckily the mouth and teeth weren’t big enough but it wasn’t from lack of trying. We’ve fostered quite a few dogs and have seen the dominance games. This was different. He wanted to kill my sweet dog and feast on her flesh. Then hump her. Good luck!
Your new dog, and your old dog are getting the vibe you put out. And you admit to being somewhat hasty, while still having reservations. You should not have acquired a second dog while still harbouring doubts about your ability to love two dogs equally, in my opinion. You weren’t right with it yet, and you were doing it, for all the wrong reasons. Which is likely why you had/have nagging doubts.
If you need to give your existing pet more attention, the solution was never getting yet another pet. The solution was to be a better pet owner. If you’re not capable, due to disability, of rising to that task, taking on another pet seems foolhardy to me.
Call the shelter, tell them you may not be a good fit, they’ll take the dog back and find it a better home. You can stop worrying about it, and move on. No one will hate you, I promise.
Consider a ‘co-owner’ for your current dog. I have a friend who just loves my dog and walks him most days! It began when i was seriously ill for a few weeks. They just took a shine to one another. He’s an artist, somewhat withdraw, not very social. I am surprised at how social he has become. He even interacts with other dog owners! There are many people who can’t keep a dog, but would love to spend time with one. Look around, ask around.
Just call them, it’s not too late to set everything back to how it was before, really. Just be honest and straightforward. You’ll see, it will all work out. You’ll be fine, truly. Good Luck!
It’s been my experience that a lot of bad behavior from dogs stems from not getting enough exercise. I think Spot needs quite a bit. This is something YOU need to give him, you can’t expect Fifi to fix it for you. Unless you think they’ll eventually be tearing around the yard together, you’re going to have TWO dogs that need exercise.
You do need to give it more time, but unless you think you’ll be able to put Fifi on the same level as Spot, looking after her physical, emotional and social needs, this isn’t really a fair situation for her. I don’t mean that you have to bond with her immediately or even end up feeling about her as strongly as you do Spot, but not thinking of her or treating her as a second-class citizen.
I do hope you manage to make it work for all of you.
ETA: It just occurs to me that since she’s sitting in your lap quite a bit, she’s taken a shine to YOU. 
I think the core of the problem is that you and the two mutts are freaking out about a new situation. The mutts would need some adjustment time under the best situation, and they probably sense you stressing out and they probably pick up on that. And I’m sure the mutts are picking up on the ‘favorite’ dog which may lead Spot to think he is alpha instead of you. Just food for thought.
Your husband avised more time, talk to him and get him to explain why more time. He would probably be able to comunicate better than most of us here.
Yesterday hubby said, “If we don’t keep this dog, then no more dogs. I’m not going through this again.” I said I agreed, that it was a stressful and upsetting situation for everyone, but he went on, “I meant I’m not going through this again, getting attached to a dog and then having it wrenched away.”
I was shocked and said, “You’re attached to her?” And he said, “Yes, but I will support you in whatever decision you make.” I still can’t quite wrap my head around this. Here is a person who never cared for dogs, who used to say that chihuahuas are not even real dogs, just yappy things that look like rats. This makes the decision much harder, but on the other hand, it’s easy for him to say he wants to keep her when he’s not responsible for her.
I emailed the foster mom and asked her a few questions, just to make sure we understood what to expect from the dog. Originally, she had said that Fifi was “playful” and I asked now if she was referring to being playful with people or other dogs - at the time I had assumed she meant dogs. She replied to say she was playful with both although she did growl at her other dogs at various times. But then she went on to say that she is “not playful like a puppy is playful. Spot probably has a lot of puppy energy in him, and she’s not like that.” She also said that she really liked laps and cuddling. Which was disappointing to hear. Spot is 1 year old (Fifi is 3) but to be honest I don’t think this is just puppy energy, it’s just how he is. My sister’s chihuahua (RIP) was never that energetic, even at this age.
Anyway, Foster Mom said she thought the dogs just needed more time to bond, but then went on to say that whatever we decided, she would be willing to take Fifi back and foster her again. So that was a relief.
I talked to hubby and suggested having a trainer over - the same one who came over several months ago when we first got Spot and the cat. I called her and she asked me to describe the situation. I don’t remember the exact words, but she did make some comments that she thought these two did not sound like a good match, if what I was looking for was a dog to play with Spot. I told her about what I had been looking for in a second dog, how they were interacting now, and about my email conversation with Foster Mom.
The trainer asked if the dogs had met before the adoption. I told her yes, and how Fifi was energetic, wagging her tail, coming up to me to be petted, and didn’t mind Spot coming up to her. Then she asked, “But did Fifi ever go up to Spot on her own during the meeting?” I said she hadn’t. The trainer said, “That is something I definitely would have looked for.” She also said that when Foster Mom had told me about the growling, that may have been a red flag. Not that dogs who live together never growl, but that it didn’t necessarily bode well for the kind of relationship I was looking for these dogs to have. I admitted that I had some reservations when Foster Mom mentioned the growling, but at that point we had already agreed to the adoption and I didn’t want to back out over that one thing, like I wasn’t going to say, “Oh well she growls, that changes everything, I’m not going through with it.” But the trainer said, “Well, it kind of does change things, and I don’t think you would have been wrong to change your mind at that point, regardless of what you had agreed to already.” She also implied that she thought the animal shelter had not been entirely honest with me and were possibly just eager to adopt the dog out. I don’t think that’s the case, they weren’t dishonest, I think I just didn’t ask the right questions.
She gave me some tips on dealing with the growling in the interim, and will be coming to our house on Sunday. I think after that point, I will discuss it with hubby and make a decision once and for all. At least by that point, Fifi will have had more than just 3 days to bond with me, and with Spot, and we can see what the trainer’s opinion of the situation is. At least by that point I won’t feel like such a jerk if I go back to Foster Mom and take her up on the offer to take Fifi back.
One thing that occurred to me. In our local Chihuahua Meetup Facebook group, this was where I first encountered Fifi’s foster mom, when I had first contacted her about some other chihuahuas coming from Ohio. She had recently posted pictures of Fifi and another foster dog, asking people to spread the word that they were available. Someone else in the group, Harry, had left a few gushing comments about Fifi, about how he would love to take her, as they had 2 dogs already and wanted a third, but just didn’t have the money for the adoption fee at the moment. When Foster Mom posted on the group that both her dogs had been adopted (she didn’t say to whom) Harry posted a message along the lines of “Aw, I wish I’d had the money to adopt Fifi, but at least she went to a good home.” I know that my adoption agreement will not allow me to give Fifi to someone else, I have to return her to the shelter (and no refund, of course). But I was thinking of offering to pay the adoption fee again, on behalf of Harry, to allow him to adopt her. Then I would feel better that she was with someone who could appreciate her.
Then my only issue is how to keep my husband from hating me when this whole thing is over. He puts up with a lot of shit from me.
Whatever you decide, I’d like to point out that growling is not a bad thing. It’s how dogs communicate. Look at why Fifi is growling and what you think she’s trying to say. Then help her out.
Is Spot’s enthusiasm and exuberance too much for her? Is he pestering her and she’d like him to go away? This is where you can step in and redirect Spot, rather than scold Fifi for growling.
Can you get them playing alongside each other? Will either of them chase a ball or toy? Maybe you can get them tugging on something (sometimes this is fun, though with two of my dogs can escalate as they are very possessive). How about some fun obedience or easy agility? Get them to jump up on a low object and sit or down.
Also, do not allow either of them to ‘resource guard’ you. If she’s sitting on your lap and growling him away, or vice versa, gently put her down and disengage.
I think you may be on the way to making this work, but if it doesn’t, hopefully you will have learned something and Fifi can go on to a home that is a good match for her.
I would like to protest this characterization of Chihuahuas but I don’t want to derail the topic. Not all Chis are like this; I rescued mine when he was 6, he’s intact, and wasn’t potty trained. (Neutering him soon.) He learned fast and he knows who is alpha.
I think offering to pay for Harry to adopt FiFi is very kind, but do make sure he can afford to care for FiFi if you go this route. I don’t know what the adoption fee is, but it has to be less than a vet visit. It makes me wary that he thinks he can afford the latter but not the former.
OP is way overthinking this, and as others have said needs to work with a trainer. The trainer will spend about 25% effort training dog, and 75% training owner.
Our dogs (well, dog, we are down to just the one now) are family members, and we love them, but they are dogs, and are not, should not, and will not be happy if treated like people. They have a secure and stable place in their pack, but it is a subordinate place.
Every dog we have owned has had a markedly different personality. We have loved them all, but loved them all differently. One likes to wrestle, another to cuddle, another lives to fetch. We did take pains to treat them equally, but also to let them work out a pecking order. If you have two dogs, one will be the leader and one the follower, or there will be blood. The dogs have to work out who is the follower and who is the leader, and not have this imposed by the people. Once they have worked it out subordinate dog will usually be fine with the arraignment as long as people don’t keep trying to change it.
I agree with this. Someone who can’t afford an adoption fee has no business adding another pet to a family that can’t afford what they already have. All it takes is one misstep accident to put them over the edge. Lots of ChiChi’s get broken legs and head trauma from being stepped on, dropped, or falling from stairs or furniture. Plus just regular veterinary care costs, too.
LaurenIpsum, your subsequent posts have made you seem more sensible than the OP did. I’m glad you’re getting advise from a trainer and have done obedience classes with your first dog. Please try to give it more time, at least a couple weeks. But also don’t be surprised if she fits into the home in a different way than you expected and will still have to take Spot out for running and exercise that he needs to blow off steam.