Agreed. I am against breed hatreds, and I think the commonly-held generalizations about “breed tendencies” get too much credence and are frequently exaggerated.
I wanted to single this out, because it really bears repeating. LaurenIpsum, if you decide to keep FiFi it is very possible that she will end up being dominant over Spot. As someone who I think has a bit of trouble with anthropomorphizing their dogs, you really need to remember this and live by it. Dogs don’t care about their place in the pack like we think they should. They just want it to be secure. They don’t get jealous like we do. Dogs are NOT people.
I have seen a number of well meaning dog owners take on a second dog (often in a situation like yours, to befriend the first, favored dog) and if the second dog is more dominant they get upset. Fluffy1 is the favorite, and he’s the boss, and Fluffy2 needs to fall in line! They spend a lot of time and energy trying to force Fluffy2 into a submissive position relative to Fluffy1, which is impossible and only prolongs the time that they are figuring out who’s boss (the most volatile time). They end up making both dogs miserable, and it causes all kinds of issues. This is the kind of thing I meant when I said that you are training your dogs to do exactly what you don’t want and you don’t even know it. Now, maybe you;d be fine with it, I don’t know. But if the idea of FiFi being dominant over Spot upsets you, and you can’t let it go, I would say you need to not have another dog.
For most of the people I know who ended up not keeping a second dog, the inability of the humans to accept the pack order was a huge reason.
Best of luck to you, and to Spot and FiFi.
Just an update. They are both getting along better now, and even playing a bit. But I’ve noticed that Fifi just doesn’t have Spot’s energy level. She seems like more of a lap dog, and whenever my husband or I get on the floor, she is trying to lay down and go to sleep, even if she just woke up from sleeping overnight. Could it be that the stress of a new environment is making her sleep more and that she will be more peppy as time goes on?
By the time the dog trainer came over, both dogs were getting along much better, with hardly any growling. But I was still concerned about the disparity in their energy levels. Amazingly, they did actually play together for a minute or two while the trainer was there - basically bouncing around, play bows, jumping back and forth on each other, rolling around next to each other, etc. She felt that they would eventually bond and certainly play together, but probably not in the way I had imagined, where she could keep up with him all the time and be a constant playmate. She also cautioned that her luxating patella (which I had just found out about the day before from her first vet visit) looked pretty bad, and would probably need care sooner rather than later, which could also be a factor in how she could play with him. I am now wondering if she is older than 3 years as the shelter had told me.
Plus it seems that they are both very needy and wanting attention, so when I leave the room (we sometimes put gates up in the kitchen) instead of one dog whining for attention, I now have 2 dogs whining.
Maybe Fifi wasn’t the best choice but now she’s the only choice (as I agreed to my husband that I would not do this again with another dog and put us all through the emotional wringer again). Maybe they will eventually settle into a groove where they really really bond and do keep each other company, even if it’s not active play?
I asked the trainer, “Do you think Spot would suffer for not having a playmate?” She said, “Well I certainly wouldn’t say he would ‘suffer’ for it. I’m sure he would enjoy a playmate very much. But he could certainly live a happy life without one, as long as he gets sufficient exercise and socialization.”
When all is said and done, I really do want what’s best for Spot. I just don’t know how to go about it.
“They”. You keep using that word. You need to start using “us”. You’re a pack. You’re their leader. YOU are the one responsible for providing stimulus and exercise, not them. Go take them for the longest walk they’ve ever been on tonight, and see what a tired dog looks like.
Agree to disagree. There are no absolutes but there are tendencies.
I’m not sure you have a realistic idea of what puppy play is yet. Just because there is growling doesn’t mean its not play. They are not human. Dogs growl and nip and tumble and play doninance games. They are not going to always sit nicely and pass a ball back and forth. Especially as puppies. Its normal. Sometimes you have to step in if it gets out of hand. But sometimes they have to work things out.
I swear the last Chi we fostered was trying to commit suicide. Not only would he walk inches from your feet as you were walking, he would run underneath your feet as you were stepping down. I hope he learns and outgrows that. I was walking into furniture because I had to look down at my feet the entire time.
Do you really think that’s odd behaviour for dogs ? It isn’t at all.
You mentioned already that they have played together, so in a sense they have bonded. I’m not sure what your expecting, to come home find them sharing a pasta dinner on a milk carton together ?
Being a dog owner is more than just feeding them and hoping the whining stops if you get another dog in order to entertain each other. As mentioned already dogs think in terms of packs. Everyone in your house is part of the pack. It’s up to you or your husband to be the pack leader, take them out for walks. They’re small breeds so at least twice a day around the block with a little play from you or another will do it.
Honestly that is all that is required for a happy dog (s). Your dogs are fine and happy from how it sounds. You’re over thinking this way too much.
I’m not sure we’re really disagreeing; sounds more like a difference in emphasis.
Fair enough. Agree to agree with different emphasis.
Another update. At this point it has been almost 2 weeks. The dogs seem to be getting along better, but there is an obvious difference in energy levels, as she seems more of a lap dog and he is constantly wanting to play.
I don’t know, maybe the growling was just a red herring and I am looking for any excuse to reject her. I’m just feeling now like I had a good thing going with Spot - a nice routine - and I don’t like having another dog come in and change things. I was so fixated on the idea of another dog keeping him busy that I didn’t think of any of the negatives. I’m just not coping well with the idea of sharing my attentions with 2 dogs and still not feeling like I’ve “bonded” or become attached to her. I just feel like I want to hit a reset button and go back to the way things were, although I know even if I give her up that will never be the case.
As I mentioned, we had a trainer come in on Sunday to check out the situation, and mentioned that she could see them becoming “buds” but probably not playing together all the time as I imagined. That morning, before she came over, my husband said he wanted me to decide, once and for all, after her visit, whether I was going to keep this dog, as he couldn’t take any more of me whining/complaining/crying about the situation. So afterwards, I said I didn’t want the dog and called the foster mom to let her know. She had originally planned to pick her up on Tuesday.
By the next day I was already wavering in my decision, which was when I made my last post here. Hubby reminded me that I had already made an appointment to have some dental work done for her, as the vet had said she really needed it, to the tune of $800. The appointment was for Wednesday. I figured the least I could do was still pay for the dental work so I called the shelter back and spoke to the owner, who said they would instead arrange pickup on Thursday or Friday. Only this time she would be picked up by a different foster mom as the original one had already taken on 3 new dogs. So I felt a bit bad about that.
I mentioned to hubby that I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing and he sighed and said he wished I’d “make up [my] damn mind.” But he said that if I decided again to keep her, there was no going back - I couldn’t keep up calling the shelter and changing my mind. Obviously he couldn’t put a gun to my head to force me to keep her, but I could see his point about the constant mind changing. So on Wednesday I got a text from the new foster mom wanting to arrange a pickup for Thursday. Hubby was pressuring me to decide so I told him, “If I have to make an unchangeable decision right now, my decision is to rehome her.” And he must have gotten his hopes up about me wavering in my decision because he was really pissed. Not that he said so. In fact, he didn’t say much of anything for the rest of the night. No kiss good night, nothing. I did ask him if he was going to hate me for this and he said, “Hate is a strong word…but I’m not happy.” He also said that he really felt I’d regret giving her up. By this time it was late so I planned to call the new foster mom in the morning.
I called her Thursday morning and tentatively arranged pickup for Friday morning, as she was busy for most of Thursday. But I still felt guilty that people were telling me to give it more of a chance, so I called the shelter and told the owner an abridged version of the situation. She said that they could hold off on the pickup and give us as much time as we needed to decide. She suggested taking a few more weeks. I emailed hubby (at work) and told him that this was the owner’s idea, and that I was willing to try things for a few more weeks if at the end he would respect my decision. I said that during this period I would buy her a collar and other items and try to act as if she were my permanent dog, and try not to cry or stress. He agreed, suggesting that we re-evaluate around the 4th of July weekend, and wrote:
So that is where we are at. I am trying to give her a chance, but still can’t help stressing. I guess my problems are four things now, since they are getting along better:
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I guess I’m just feeling like we didn’t need a second dog after all, and that we had a good thing going before. I’m not coping well with the extra work and time, although willing to admit that this might change after a month.
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She really does not have his energy level and thus is not going to be the playmate I’d hoped, although they do play sometimes.
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I still don’t feel really attached to her, although I don’t know if it’s really just a mental block against loving any dog but Spot. I really just want it to be us again, and not have to share myself.
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As I mentioned in a previous post, she is going to need luxating patella surgery at some point in the future, to the tune of $2000-$2500. I know I know, I should have considered vet bills prior to getting a second dog, but I didn’t. If I keep the dog, I think I am going to resent paying so much money on her vet bills. And why should I pay so much money for a dog I don’t want?
I realize all this sounds like I am not going to give it a try for this month, but I will. I spent some time just with her today, going on a walk and working on some training exercises. I have been taking both of them to the dog park together and will do it again this weekend. I am just worried that after a month, hubby will be even more attached and will really hate me even more if I decide to give her up. I fear that he’s already gotten his hopes way up again. But hopefully he will understand that I gave the situation more than 10 days. I have a prescription for Xanax which I’ve been taking daily, and just left a message for my doctor to see if I could get on Lexapro or something else like that, which maybe will also help.
Have you had any extra sessions with your therapist? Sounds like you need at least a couple hours a week right now. Can you step up some sessions for a couple weeks or a month?
Many people have multiple pets which tend to “belong” to one spouse or another. If this dog is becoming your husbands, you’re being really selfish to separate them. I’d be really pissed with you by now, and even more pissed, like enough to spend some time somewhere else, if you decide in yet another month to give the poor dog back. By all means, do it though, because she deserves a primary caregiver who gives a shit about her.
I’m with Sea Dragon Tattoo. Your husband is a gem. Can he take on some of the care responsibilities so you’d be more at ease with keeping her?
Have you considered how Spot might react to her leaving? Maybe HE likes having her there, even though they don’t play all the time.
At the request of the OP, who feels she has received adequate advice, I am closing the thread.