The first two of these are kind of long, but pretty quick in the telling. The last one is very short.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.
But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”
The Americans and Russians decided to determine world supremacy with a dog fight.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and, after five years, came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans, because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me
The captain of a ship is on the deck with his crew, when one of them shouts “Captain, come quickly! There’s a pirate ship sailing toward us!”
The men all begin to panic and scramble, but the captain is calm and steady. He says in a commanding voice “Men! Fetch my red shirt!”
The crew is confused, but they fetch the captain his shirt. The captain has just enough time to put it on before the pirate ship rams them and begins to board. The captain draws his sword and begins to fight the pirates, which gives his crew the courage to fight as well! The captain and his crew beat the miserable pirates, and the pirate ship sails away in defeat.
The crew cheers the captain. One of the men says “Captain, that was amazing! But why did you make us fetch your red shirt first?”
The Captain replies “If the pirates shot or stabbed me, I didn’t want you to see the blood and be afraid.” The crew was in awe of the Captain’s heroism.
The next day, the Captain is on the deck with his crew, when one of them shouts “Captain, come quickly! There are TEN pirate ships sailing toward us!”
The crew begins to scramble and panic, but the captain is calm and steady. He says in a commanding voice…
If you are interested in staying on topic, you could use Jerry Seinfeld’s joke:
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Chris went into the local restaurant every day at precisely twelve and invariably ordered the same thing, a large bowl of the soup of the day. This had gone on for so many years that Chris and the waitstaff knew each other by their first names, and every noon, as Chris sat down–always at the same table–one of the waitstaff would deftly serve a large bowl of piping hot soup to Chris, who immediately would begin to eat it.
Today was no different. Chris entered, sat down, and Pat served the soup and walked away. A minute or two later, Pat saw that Chris was just sitting, staring at the soup.
Pat went over to Chris and said, “What’s the matter, Chris? Is there something wrong with the soup?”
Chris grumbled, “Taste it.”
Pat said, “I don’t have to taste it. Just tell me. Is it too hot? I’ll fan it. Too cold? I’ll get you some fresh. Does it need salt? Pepper? I’ll fix it.”
Chris said, a little louder, “Taste it, I tell you!”
Pat said, “All right. All right. Don’t get mad. I’ll taste it. Hmm–now where’s the spoon?”
I heard this a couple of months ago. I’ve since learned that something similar is on YouTube, purporting to be true (which I doubt):
911 operator: 911 - what is your emergency?
Agitated man: My wife … she fell down … there’s blood - I think she broke her arm. You gotta get her to the hospital!
911: Okay, we’ll send an ambulance. What’s your address?
AM: I’m at my in-laws house - 585 Eucalyptus Street.
911: Can you spell that, sir?
AM: Er … it’s 585 Eucalyptus!
911: Right, but we want to be sure we have it right - can you spell the street name?
AM: [short pause] Look … how 'bout I put her in the car and run her over to Oak Street?
The bartender says, “Sorry pal, we don’t serve vegetables here.”
The mushroom replies, “Hey come on, I’m a fungi!”(fun guy)
Two sausages were in a frying pan.
One turns to the other and says, “Boy it’s hot in here isn’t it?”
The other one screams, “Oh my god it’s a talking sausage!!!”
A farmer, a physicist, and mathematician are in a field. They are told to use a length of fence and block off the largest amount of area they could.
The farmer takes the fence and blocks of a square area.
The physicist smiles and takes the fence and uses it to block off a circular area. “Beat that”, he tells the mathematician.
The mathematician, after thinking for a minute, takes a tiny stretch of fence and wraps it around himself. Then he declares “I define my location as the outside of the fence”
A Jew, an Imam and a Priest walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “This is a joke, right?”
A termite walks into a pub. He asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Well, the moment has seemingly passed, but I can’t help posting my favourite, should any other doper require an emergency joke in a similar situation.
Why are pirates pirates?
So there’s a monastery where the monks gather twice a day for meals. The newest monk was instructed that each meal began the same way: the abbot would chant “Good morning my sons,” and everyone else would chant back “Good morning father.” For the late meal, the abbot would chant “good evening my sons,” and the monks would chant back “good evening father.” The new monk was warned that the abbot was very strict and demanded that all the monks chant their greetings in perfect harmony.
Well, this was easy enough for the newest monk. Every morning he and the others all dutifully chanted “good morning father,” and every night, they’d chant “good evening father.” But after several weeks went by, the new monk was getting bored and found the repetition tedious. One morning, he came up with a plan to break the tedium. When the head monk came out and chanted “good morning my sons,” the new monk sang back, at the top of his lungs, “good evening father!”
The room full of monks was silent. The abbot stood up and demanded to know what had just happened. And from the back of the room came the reply:spoilerSomeone chanted “evening!”[/spoiler]