Need a (clean) joke that kills

I’m doing a speech tomorrow morning. Yes, it’s Saturday. Worse, the speech is to be given in a location more than an hour from my home, and the event starts at 10:00 AM, meaning I have to be awake, functional, and presentable way earlier than the law should allow. Woe is me.

Still, I’m committed to doing the gig. Don’t know how many people will be present, but it will happen in a tiny little town deep in the rural South. The population of the entire town is probably under 1000. The audience is expected to be persons presently living below the poverty line. The venue is now a private school (and also a church) that was formerly used as a school for black kids before integration, so it is somewhat historic.

I’ll be appearing as a representative of my employer, so I need something funny, but non-controversial. Anybody got anything I can [del]steal[/del] use?

You could try the one about the hunting buddy who gets shot and the buddy thinks he’s dead and calls 911 to get assistance and the 911 operator operator tells the guy on the phone to make sure if he’s dead. You hear a shot. and the guy comes back on the phone and says “Yep. I’m sure he’s dead.”

You can embellish it, but it’s an old joke they probably already heard (and told).

Hmmm…I think not. That’s more of a redneck joke, and I don’t think it will work with this audience. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

Best I’ve heard recently:

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son.
“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t gotten your hair cut.”
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
And his father replied, “Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

That just might work. I’ll put it in the “contender” pile, and see what else is suggested. Thanks.

A man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”

“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.”

“So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”

“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

Sailboat posted a funny one here

This guy was walking along a country road when he happened to notice a pig with a wooden leg in a field.

He saw the farmer leaning up against the fence and walked over to ask him about that pig.

The farmer says, “Oh, that pig. That ain’t no ordinary pig you’re lookin’ at. Last summer, my wife fell into the farm pond and that pig jumped in, grabbed my wife and pulled her out. Saved my wife’s life.”

The guy says, “Wow, that’s great!”

The farmers says, “That’s not all either. Just a few months ago the house caught on fire and that pig jumped onto the back porch and grabbed my baby girl and pulled her out. Saved my baby girl’s life.”

The guy says, “That. Is. Amazing! So what’s the story about the wooden leg?”

The farmer says, “Mister, I don’t know how you was raised, but I’m not the kind of fella to eat a pig like that all at once!”

Duck walks into a bar. Goes up to the bartender and asks, “Got any grapes?”

“No,” says the bartender, so the duck leaves.

Next day he comes back. “Got any grapes?”

“No,” says the bartender. The duck leaves.

Comes back the next day. “Got any grapes?”

“Listen, duck,” says the bartender. “We didn’t have any grapes yesterday, we don’t have any today, and we aren’t going to have any tomorrow. If you ask again, I’m going to nail your beak to the floor.” The duck leaves.

Comes back the next day and looks up at the bartender. “Got any nails?”


“Oh, good. Got any grapes?”

I came in to post this one. There are other versions where the duck asks for other stuff (duck food, bread, fish), but “Got any grapes?” is the definitive version, IMNSHO.

The pig one is also one of my faves.

Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?


That’s the joke.

The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the patient’s tooth.

“No way! No needles. I hate needles,” the patient yelled.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. “Oh no, I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! No way!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet. Please swallow it.”

The patient says, " Imagine that! Who knew Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “but it’ll give you something to hold on to when I yank that tooth out of your mouth.”
[This would be a good segue into a speech about holding on til the pain goes away and the economy improves…assuming your speech has anything to do with that.]

A guy is sky-diving. He jumps from the plane and pulls the cord and the parachute doesn’t open. He pulls the emergency cord, and it still doesn’t open. He’s hurling towards the earth at hundreds of miles per hour. He looks over and see a guy hurling upward. He hollers to the guy,“Hey, you know anything about parachutes?” The guy yells, “No! You know anything about gas stoves?”

My favorite joke book is Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar (technically it’s a book about philosophy). If you can get your hands on it by tomorrow, great.

Here’s my favorite joke, and here’s how I’d work it into a speech.

"Folks, I don’t make too many speeches, but I have read you should begin with a good joke. Here’s mine:

A termite walks into a pub and says: Is the bar tender here?

(Wait a few seconds. Audience is waiting for punchline and they won’t figure out the joke is on them in time because the joke is over faster than they can process that it’s over and they’ve been had)

Um…well, folks, let’s hope my talk goes over better than my joke…"

The pig joke is another of my favorites and should play well with the audience.

Finally, (and among other skills, the Pedant makes a living doing presentations) almost any self-deprecating joke is a hit with audiences who are a bit lower on the payscale. Ask any politician.

If you are using powerpoints, here’s another of my favorites. (Click on the “next” for the joke). But no good for a small town crowd. Just a CP freebie.


They have a LOT of jokes, from funny to stupid, and back again.

Good luck

So far, the walking Jesus, amazing pig, grape duck, and bar tender jokes are contenders. The church I mentioned is a Baptist Church. Likely a Black Baptist Church. In the Rural South. The viagra joke might get me fired. Is funny, though.

Er, no. The venue is considerably closer to Kentucky than it is to Paris. Might get me run out of town on a rail.

An Eskimo father is reading a bedtime story to his son: Jack and the Beanstalk. He reaches the part where “Jack goes into the ogre’s house, but he hears the ogre coming back, and so he runs to hide in a corner.” Son asks “What’s that, Dad?” Dad: “An ogre? That’s a gigantic man-like creature that eats little boys.” Son: “No, I meant what’s a corner?”

This one is probably past the point of any real relevance, but I like it anyway.

Two cows are in a field. One cow says, “So, what do you think about that mad cow disease.” The other cow says, “What do I care? I’m a helicopter!”

Afraid ethnic humor ain’t gonna be kosher. Other speakers will be from the EEOC.

I love this joke, and it kills whenever I tell it, (of course, I’m always giggling when I do, so that’s part of it, I’m sure.)

Q: What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

A (With your best Italian accent, be sure to roll the “R”…)…Rrrroberto!