That’s right, I’m stumped for an opener this morning. I have to present at about 1 PM, MST, and I can’t think of a single lid-opener that is suitable for mixed company.
I beg of you all, HELP!
Keep in mind, this has to be CLEAN!
C’mon, Mr. C, what’s the presentation about? Gotta give us some material to work with here. You have just under 3 hours to respond, I’ll keep my eye out for you.
Of course, if you have some Yiddish speakers in the audience, you could just say “Zvey yudn walk into a bar…”
It is a sales skills class. One of my new job functions is that I must go out and train the salespeople at my partners’ offices to sell our product. Hence, the audience will NOT want to be in attendance, and I must have something quick but funny.
Sounds like a call for a joke stressing the importance of good sales skills training or the consquences of bad or no sales training.
I looked up “salesman jokes” on Google and came up with three, one of which was sexist, one of which was racist, and one which is moderately clean but doesn’t meet the above requirements, as far as I can see. But here it is anyway.
The tractor salesman is complaining about sales to a farmer. “I haven’t sold a single tractor all month,” he complains.
“That’s nothing,” the farmer says. "I was milking my cow this morning and she swishes her tail, hitting me right in the forehead. So I take her tail and tie it to the rafter overhead.
"Then she kicks me with her right rear leg square in the chest. So I take her leg and tie it to the stall door post, so she’s standing on three legs.
"Then damned if she didn’t kick me in the rear with her other leg! So I tie that leg to the other doorpost, and Bossy’s propped up on her two front legs.
“Wouldn’t you know at that moment my wife walks in looking for me… I tell you what, if you can convince her I was milking that damn cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”
OK, it’s not entirely relevant, but it’s the best salesman joke I could come up with on short notice. If you use it, tell 'em you heard it from your Uncle Cecil.
A priest, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar carrying a twelve-inch pianist.
The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”
Two sales jokes
The jokes are about communication:
Make sure you know who you are talking to and/or what you are talking about: (or similar point)
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation
called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don’t think so.
Click.
The Gift Note
A friend of a friend wanted to purchase a gift for his sweetheart’s birthday and they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic - but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to the store and bought a pair of white fur-lined gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the underwear. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to hissweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try on yours for me and she looked real smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I get a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Huggle Bunny
PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
How cheesy a segue do you want? If your completely shameless…
This high school kid, Billy, had lost an eye was he was a kid. Lacking good insurance, his parents had to settle for a wooden eye.The school dance was approaching, and Billy badly wanted to go with someone, but he was too self-conscious to ask anyone on account of his wooden eye.
His friends told him to ask Wendy. “She’s hot, she’s smart, she’s really nice, and…well, she’s got a fake leg, so she’ll understand.” Billy gathers all his courage, and decides to do it.
He goes up to Wendy, and asks “Hey you wanna go to the dance with me?”
Thrilled, Wendy answers “Oh, would I! Would I!”
Billy spits “Shut up, Peg Leg, Peg Leg”
Cheesy segue: "See, it’s not always what you say, or even how you say it, but how the other party receives the message. You’ll often find this is true in sales… "
Ouch. Best I could come up with on short notice.
Oh , how about:
Two elderly men are talking, sharing the latest neighborhood news.
The first one says [old man voice] “Did you hear what happened to Edith? She went into the hospital with kidney trouble…ten days later, she died of heart trouble.”[/old man voice]
The second guy says [OMV#2, haughty] Oh yeah? Well, my doctor’s a specialist. You go into the hospital with kidney trouble, you die of kidney trouble. And it don’t take no ten days neither".[/OMV}
Ba Dum Bump
Shaky Jake
Dammit. Had you written about this while I was at home, i could have grabbed some of my joke books. As it is, I’m stuck searching the Internet.
Here. Go to This Site for a long list of salesmen jokes. Some are short, some are good, and some are both. Grab what you think your audience would like.
Here is (kind of) humorous example I used when speaking to a group about needing to be realistic about marketing strategies that are going nowhere but it’s really more suited to legal and administrative contexts. It’s still pretty funny though and has the added benefit of being a real quote.
From the Microsoft anti-trust case
Judge Jackson clearly would like to wrap things up. Before Tuesday’s afternoon session, he offered an allegory that he insisted was irrelevant to the Microsoft case, but is relevant to “our work” as lawyers.
“When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount,” he said. But lawyers have other strategies, including “buying a stronger whip, changing riders … declaring that the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead, and, finally, harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.”
“That said,” he concluded, turning to Mr. Boies, “the witness is yours.”
[slight hijack]
The FBI story reminds me of my time in the mental hospital. We were pretty bored and tired of the hospital food, so we decided to order a pizza. Well, we were very carefull not to indicate exactly the nature of the hospital, and we didn’t tell them that we were patients, and we had to use someone’s credit card, but couldnt’ give them an imprint (sorry, the cops took all my belongings) but damn, was it worth it. Nothing picks ou up like fresh hot pizza after days of hospital food. We also had them smuggle in two bottles of coke. We weren’t supposed to have caffine. There is nothing like a room full of manics hepped up on caffine playing pictionary. 
One person had to be taken away to solitary, and several had to be givern drugs. Fun stuff
[end slight hijack]
How about this?
"So, did everyone have a nice lunch? I did. I found out recently from the Discovery Channel why cannibals don’t eat clowns…
…
… because they taste funny"
Pause for big laffs.
Zette
Hey Mr. C, you find something useful out of this lot? Let us know how it went!
I’m about to head on over to present, I’ll let you know the outcome!
Yeah, but what joke did you pick?
I fully intended to use the communication jokes.
But, I stood up, and opened my mouth to speak, and I blanked. Quick to cover my traces, I coughed lightly, as if to clear my throat.
When I opened it to speak again, I caught myself asking a question:
“Y’all hungry?”
And after general agreement, I continued. “I ask because I was on a conference call untill a few minutes ago, and I missed lunch. It’s a good thing we’re not on Survivor, or I’d be trying to figure out which one of you I’d be about to ‘Vote Off The Island’, if you get my drift.”
At this point, everyone in the room is laughing.
I drop a conspiratorial wink at one of the more stout individuals in the room, and whisper loudly, “Things ain’t looking too good for you, buddy.”
From there, it was cake. I actually caught myself up there doing a rather successful Richard Dawson imitation, since the subject matter lent itself to a “Family Feud” presentation style.
I did not kiss anyone.
Thank you all for your help, your help put me in a good enough frame of mind to be able to roll with it!
I was in the audience.
He actually came in wearing a rubber chicken on his head, started out by saying “A funny thing happened to me on my way to this class…” then reached over and pantsed the CEO.
We phoned the police.
“Survey Said!”
Bravo, Mr. C! Sounds like the efforts paid off.