Help! I need a joke! quickly!

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just found out that for a public speaking seminar I’m attending at 8 on Friday morning, I have to bring a joke to tell. For some reason, I can’t think of any jokes.

So I’m asking people to post appropriate jokes that I can tell in a business setting. I think it would be a appropriate to avoid anything sexual/toilet/drug/alcohol or race/ethnicity/gender/religion related. And nothing that is dependent on circumstances – it should be something I can just stand up and tell regardless of the context or what people are talking about before or after. And I’d like it to be more substantial than a one-liner but short enough for me to remember.

So, given those limitations, who’s got a good joke I can tell?

2

I’m sorry, this is a one-liner. I’ll try to think of another. It’s a little cerebral - I’ve found some people don’t get it - but here goes:

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who cannot.

3

I like that one. But, I think it’s too short for these purposes. I appreciate your help, though.

4

We always knew Edgar was weird. When he was a Boy Scout, he’d help old chickens cross the road.

5

I always liked this one. A little long, maybe, but you could probably adjust it a bit and still have it be funny:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’

Watson replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What does that tell you?’

Watson ponders for a minute. ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?’

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. ‘Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.’

6

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?”

“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”

“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”

“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?”

“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”.

Google on “clean jokes” for many other possibilities.

7

Some recent Jokes-of-the-Day from my RSS reader:

8

Can you do chicken and frog voices? If so…

A chicken walks into a library. She walks to the librarian and says, “Booook.”

The librarian says, “Book? You want a book?”

The chicken nods, “Boook.” So the librarian gives her a book, and she leaves.

The next day, the chicken comes back with the book. She says, “Booook, book.”

The librarian says, “Two books? Okay, here you go.” And the chicken leaves.

The next day, the chicken comes back with both books. She says, “Boook, boook, book.”

“Three books? Oh, my! Well, here you go.” And the chicken leaves. This time the librarian follows her to see what’s going on. She follows the chicken to the pond in the park, where she meets with a frog. She lays out the three books on the grass.

The frog says, “Reddit, reddit, reddit.”

9

AskNott – that’s pretty funny.

How about my favorite riddle:

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

Or:

A snail got run over by a turtle – it was a horrible, grisly accident. When he came to in the Emergency Room, they asked him what happened.

“I don’t know,” he said, “it all happened so fast.”

10

Duck walks into a drugstore and takes some chapstick and starts to leave. The owner says “Hey duck, how are you gonna pay for that?” The duck says “Oh just put it on my bill.”

What do you call a bunch of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hare line.

11

To really tell this one right, you need to channel the spirit of Buddy Hackett.

This guy is driving along a road in the country. And as he’s driving, out of the corner of his eye he sees a chicken running next to his car. Now that’s pretty unusual, but once he gets a better look at the chicken, he sees that it has three legs. The chicken is already keeping up with him, so he decides to see how fast it can go. He starts going faster. Forty-five, fifty, finally fifty-five miles per hour, and the chicken is still running right next to his car. A little farther up the road, the chicken speeds up, crosses in front of him, and goes running up a long driveway towards a farmhouse.

The guy just has to find out was this is all about. He stops, backs up, and goes up the driveway where he saw the chicken. He stops and walks up to the farmer.

“You’re gonna think this is weird,” the guy says, “but I was out on the highway and a three-legged chicken ran past my car and came running up your driveway.”

The farmer doesn’t act surprised. “Yeah, that’s one of ours. We raise three-legged chickens here.”

“Why on earth would you want to do that?” the guy asks.

“Well, when you have chicken for dinner, do you like to have the drumstick?”

“Sure.”

“How about your wife, does she like a drumstick?”

“Yeah.”

“What if you have company? If you’ve got a guest for dinner, maybe he’d like a drumstick, too.”

The guy thinks for a few seconds. “You know, I never thought of that. It’s not a bad idea. How do they taste?”

“Don’t know,” the farmer says, “we ain’t caught one yet.”

12

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing, you can’t cross a scalar with a vector.

13

I have one, but it’s really long. I’ll shorten it up as much as I can here, but you can add as much detail as you’d like. If you have good story-telling skills, you can draw this one out for five or ten minutes.

A family goes to see this talent agent…

Oops, wrong joke.

A dog walks into a butcher shop carrying a paper bag in his mouth. He sets the bag down and barks at the butcher. The butcher picks up the bag and looks inside. Inside is some money and a note that says “1 pound pork sausage.” He figures that a customer’s a customer, so he puts the sausage and the change in the bag, and hands it back to the dog. The dog leaves the shop and the understandably curious butcher decides to follow him.

He follows the dog to a bus stop where the dog sits on a bench. Several buses stop there and the dog stays seated. When the #11 bus comes, the dog gets on it. So does the butcher. Three stops later, the dog rings the bell with his nose. When the bus stops, he gets off. The butcher follows.

The dog walks a couple of blocks and goes up to a house. The butcher follows him. The dog goes up onto the porch, sets the bag down, then starts barking. After a few minutes, a guy opens the door, and says “You stupid, stupid dog!”

“Stupid?!?” says the butcher, “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!”

“Smart?” answers the guy, “That’s the third time this week he forgot his key!”

14

Ha. It reminds me of this Q&A joke in an issue of Boys Life (that old Boy Scouts standby I remembered from my own boyhood) that I leafed through at random recently. It actually made me laugh out loud at the time.

Q: What does a snail say when riding a turtle?
A: YEEEEEEEHAAAA!

15

I know you said to ignore the context but…context please? What’s this seminar about? What public speaking are you there for? What general demographic will be in attendance at this event?

16

It’s a seminar on public speaking. We’re there to be given instruction on speaking in public. That’s why I said it was a “public speaking seminar.”

Currently, Knead’s duck and gorilla jokes are looking good to me.

17

Wow, and to think I almost didn’t post them because of how badly JotD ruined the “You’re a mean drunk, Mr. Kent” joke.

18

A man goes to see his doctor, feeling unwell. The doctor says, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“Oh, no!” says the man, “Why?”

“Well, I’m trying to examine you.”

19

You have to set this up for the audience, so you start by saying,

“For this to be funny, you have to imagine you’re Dick Cheney. Ok, you’re Dick Cheney. Now…shoot the guy to your left in the face with a shotgun.”

Um, that’s it. I just made that up. :slight_smile:

20

A man from Virginia walked into a bank in Washington DC and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, ‘Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?’

The man replied, ‘Where else in D.C. can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?’

(you can always change the city, to make it more relevant to the audience)