I’m not a doctor but I’m giving a presentation at a conference for patients with a rare skin condition. What I need is one of those opening jokes/ice breakers to open my talk. In fact, I need two of 'em–one for the person who is going to introduce me.
It doesn’t have to do with medicine, in fact I’d rather it didn’t. This is one I took from a recent conference I attended.
When I was invited to speak at this conference by Mr. HOST, he said he wanted me to talk because “I was a model speaker.”
Well, I’d never heard the word used that way, before, so I went home and looked it up in the dictionary where I discovered that “a model is a small imatation of the real thing.”
So I returned and confronted Mr. HOST and he said, “No, no! what I meant was that you are such a warm speaker.”
So I went home and according to the dictionary warm means "not so hot! "
You get the idea I’m sure. Have your heard one worth sharing here?
I am so pleased to be invited to speak. This is the first time I have been a speaker at one of these conference since I graduated medical school 63 years ago. (pause) Of course those are dogs years.
“I’m imagining all of you naked.”
I’m sorry – but if they all have this skin condition, do you really want to imagine them naked?
“I’m imagining you all naked - and covered with boils.”
On second thought…
"I’m imagining all of you naked… Tim, [point vaguely to someone in the back who either is your friend or isn’t catually there] you may want to have that mole on your chest looked at.
“At least you don’t have it as bad as my uncle. He’s allergic to cotton. He’s got some pills for it, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.”
“I’m glad I’m not sweeping up.”
There’s always the classic, “I flew all the way from (insert name of distant city) to deliver this speech here, and boy are my arms tired!”
Or you can go with the humility angle, “Many of you are wondering why I’ve been asked to speak here today. I count myself amongst your number.”
That’s freaking hilarious.
How about this:
“I was going to begin my presentation without telling a joke, but I was afraid some people might not get it.”
I always wanted to be the person introducing the speaker. I’d want to do one of two things.
A. Say “Our speaker tonight is a man that needs no introduction.”
Then just sit back down.
B. Say “You know, even a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day, and even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then. Along those lines, here’s Ken.”
For some reason, I’ve never been asked to introduce a speaker.
This one’s only good announcing a soloist with a band, but too good to leave out.
“He really makes the [instrument] talk. And what it says is, PUT ME DOWN!!!”
“Thank you Mr. Host. I also appreciate that financial advice you gave me last week. I made myself a small fortune. Which is kind of funny since it was a large fortune I started with.”
“Thank you, Mr. Host. I must say, you’re looking really fit lately. You’ve got the body of a twenty year old. Is she here tonight?”
“Thank you, Mr. Host. Mr. Host said he was going to take me out to an authentic Italian place for dinner yesterday. We went to Domino’s.”[pause]“His wife told me he was going to take her on an exotic wild ride together. They went through the automated car wash six times.”[pause]“Mr. Host’s idea of a wild time is to go the grocery store and play with the electric doors.”
“Thank you all. You mean absolutely nothing to me.”
"Thank you Mr. Host. I almost didn’t find my way here. I haven’t quite gotten used to the way people here talk. While trying to find this place, I pulled over to a Seven Eleven and asked the girl where I was. She said [mumble the name of a nearby small town real fast]. I next stopped at an Amoco station and asked the girl where I was. She said [mumble the name of a nearby small town real fast]. I finally stopped at a Burger King and said to the girl, "Talk real slow. Where am I? She said “Burr-gurr Kiiiiinnnnnngg.”
“I’m imagining all of you naked. But mostly Julie from Loan Processing. Have you ever seen such perfect tits on a woman? Sweet Og in Heaven, Julie, your boyfriend is one luckly guy…What’s that? You don’t haved a boyfriend? Well, then!..”
I think it would be amusing, when introducing a speaker, to say something like this:
“Most speakers are either woofers or tweeters, but our next guest strikes a balance, and is truly mid-range.”
I’ve seen that done on some Comedy Central stand-up comedy show. What made it especially hilarious was that it really looked like the comic being (not) introduced had no idea it was coming. He walked out on to the stage with his jaw dropped and an expression of “what the fuck?!” Brilliant.
Tell The Aristocrats. That should break the ice.
This thread reminds me of that Far Side cartoon where you see the back of a tall, top-hatted man giving a speech, and on the paper in front of him you can see:
“So the bartender says, ‘Hey, that’s not a duck!’ (Pause for laughter.) Four-score and seven years ago…”