Stolen from Lewis Grizzard, who himself probably stole it from someone else:
Three ministers and their wives were headed to a camping trip when they were in an awful accident.
They appeared before Saint Peter, who looked to them in turn.
To the first minister he said, “I’m sorry, minister, but heaven is not your destination. For you had lust in your heart. A grave lust for money. Your lust was so great, you wouldn’t marry a woman until you met a woman named, ‘Penny’.”
To the second minister he said, “I’m sorry, minister, but you too cannot pass through these gates. For you also had lust in your heart – a lust for alcohol. So great was your lust, that you wouldn’t marry a woman until you met a woman named ‘Sherrie’.”
The third minister looked to his wife and said, “C’mon, Fannie. Let’s get out of here.”
I’ve heard the pig joke at parties, and it kills. Better yet, it can be The Aristocats of clean jokes, because you can add on more and more amazing things for the pig to do until you get to the punchline.
But you haven’t said what the topic of your speech is, and the best joke is the one that sets up the audience for the speech.
The only piece of generic advice I have is to make yourself the butt of the joke. That way it doesn’t offend anyone and gets your audience to feel warm and fuzzy about you.
“The last time I was in a school on a Saturday morning was in fourth grade. I was in detention after I had gotten caught kissing Betty Sue on the playground.” Something like that, except, you know, funny.
Apologies if I appear less than fully alert this morning - I slept terribly last night. I had these crazy dreams all night that I was a car muffler, and when I woke up this morning I was exhausted.
I heard this from Rose, on the Golden Girls.
love
yams!!
Stolen and paraphrased from the late Jerry Clower:
A small country church is given a large sum of money as a bequest. At a meeting of the deacons, they were trying to decide what to spend it on.
The first deacon suggested that they buy new carpet for the sanctuary. The second deacon suggests that they purchase a new sign for the front of the church. The third deacon wants a new chandelier.
They turn to the eldest deacon present for guidance.
Says he: “The hardwood floor doesn’t require near the upkeep as carpet would. We have a sign that Brother Smith just repainted last spring. And what do we need with a chandelier? Nobody knows how to spell it on the order, nobody in the church knows how to play it and what we really need around here is a little more light.”
A man says to his wife, “You women are always yakking. There was an article in the paper saying that women talk twice as much as men.”
His wife replies, “That’s only because men don’t listen, and we women have to repeat ourselves.”
Husband says, “What?”
For a church you could use the old baseball joke. You can adapt it to any sport at all though, if the local passion is something else.
Two guys, Jim and Charlie, who had been friends all their lives lived in a town near here. When they were in their 90s Jim suddenly fell ill. Charlie was sitting by the bed and they both knew Jim was going to die. Suddenly Charlie said, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven. If there is a heaven come back and tell me.”
Jim said, “We’ve been life long friends so if I can I will.” And then he died.
A few days later, Charlie was sleeping when he thought he heard Jim’s voice. He woke but couldn’t see anyone there.
And Jim’s voice continued and said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a heaven and there’s baseball in heaven.”
Charlie asked, “What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that you’re pitching on Wednesday.”
A farmer is walking in the fields on a cold day, and finds a small bird freezing to death on the path. Being a kind man, he picks the bird up, and finding a fresh cowpat steaming nearby, puts the bird into the manure to warm it up, with just its head showing.
After a few minutes, the bird starts to feel better, and begins chirping with happiness.
Nearby a fox hears the bird singing, follows the noise, sees the bird and grabs it from the manure and eats it.
The moral of the story is:
Whoever put you in the doodoo isn’t necessarily your enemy.
Whoever gets you out of the doodoo isn’t necessarily your friend.
But if you’re in the doodoo, and you’re in it up to your neck, for goodness’ sake keep your mouth shut.
This one is clean and works really well on a microphone.
There’s a family of mice going down the street. They spot a cat approaching and the children huddle around the mother for protection. The mama mouse looks at the cat and then
BARK! BARK! BARK!!!
The startled cat runs away.
The mama mouse turns to her kids and says, “It always pays to learn a second language.”