Need a (clean) joke that kills

Stolen from Lewis Grizzard, who himself probably stole it from someone else:

Three ministers and their wives were headed to a camping trip when they were in an awful accident.

They appeared before Saint Peter, who looked to them in turn.

To the first minister he said, “I’m sorry, minister, but heaven is not your destination. For you had lust in your heart. A grave lust for money. Your lust was so great, you wouldn’t marry a woman until you met a woman named, ‘Penny’.”

To the second minister he said, “I’m sorry, minister, but you too cannot pass through these gates. For you also had lust in your heart – a lust for alcohol. So great was your lust, that you wouldn’t marry a woman until you met a woman named ‘Sherrie’.”

The third minister looked to his wife and said, “C’mon, Fannie. Let’s get out of here.”

I’ve heard the pig joke at parties, and it kills. Better yet, it can be The Aristocats of clean jokes, because you can add on more and more amazing things for the pig to do until you get to the punchline.

But you haven’t said what the topic of your speech is, and the best joke is the one that sets up the audience for the speech.

The only piece of generic advice I have is to make yourself the butt of the joke. That way it doesn’t offend anyone and gets your audience to feel warm and fuzzy about you.

“The last time I was in a school on a Saturday morning was in fourth grade. I was in detention after I had gotten caught kissing Betty Sue on the playground.” Something like that, except, you know, funny.

Apologies if I appear less than fully alert this morning - I slept terribly last night. I had these crazy dreams all night that I was a car muffler, and when I woke up this morning I was exhausted.
I heard this from Rose, on the Golden Girls.

Did you hear about the latest pirate movie? It’s supposed to be great! Just don’t take the kids, it’s rated Aaarrrgggh!

Little Johnny is out for a ride with his dad.

They pass a dairy and Johnny says, “Look daddy, moo-cows!”

Daddy, says “Johnny, you are a big boy now, use big boy words.”

Yes, daddy - “See the dairy cows?”.

Later, at a rail crossing, Johnny gets excited about the “Choo choo” - Daddy says, “Big boy words.”

Johnny says, “Daddy! See the big train!”

That night, when asked what bedtime story he would like, Little Johnny thinks for a moment and answers “Daddy, will you read me Winnie the Shit?”

I’m not the target audience, but I loved this joke!

What some people think is a clean joke blows my mind.

I like that, we’ll put it in the contender pile.

Winnie the Shit ain’t gonna fly in a church. May tell that one on my next camping trip, though.

Sorry about that, it is my (very proper) 83 year old mother’s ‘cute kid’ joke - she might not tell it in church though.

Stolen and paraphrased from the late Jerry Clower:

A small country church is given a large sum of money as a bequest. At a meeting of the deacons, they were trying to decide what to spend it on.

The first deacon suggested that they buy new carpet for the sanctuary. The second deacon suggests that they purchase a new sign for the front of the church. The third deacon wants a new chandelier.

They turn to the eldest deacon present for guidance.

Says he: “The hardwood floor doesn’t require near the upkeep as carpet would. We have a sign that Brother Smith just repainted last spring. And what do we need with a chandelier? Nobody knows how to spell it on the order, nobody in the church knows how to play it and what we really need around here is a little more light.”

I was told that joke, by a nun!!

A man says to his wife, “You women are always yakking. There was an article in the paper saying that women talk twice as much as men.”
His wife replies, “That’s only because men don’t listen, and we women have to repeat ourselves.”
Husband says, “What?”

For a church you could use the old baseball joke. You can adapt it to any sport at all though, if the local passion is something else.

Two guys, Jim and Charlie, who had been friends all their lives lived in a town near here. When they were in their 90s Jim suddenly fell ill. Charlie was sitting by the bed and they both knew Jim was going to die. Suddenly Charlie said, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven. If there is a heaven come back and tell me.”

Jim said, “We’ve been life long friends so if I can I will.” And then he died.

A few days later, Charlie was sleeping when he thought he heard Jim’s voice. He woke but couldn’t see anyone there.

And Jim’s voice continued and said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a heaven and there’s baseball in heaven.”

Charlie asked, “What’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that you’re pitching on Wednesday.”

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket,

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

What do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

I thank you.

My uncle told this at my 21st:

A farmer is walking in the fields on a cold day, and finds a small bird freezing to death on the path. Being a kind man, he picks the bird up, and finding a fresh cowpat steaming nearby, puts the bird into the manure to warm it up, with just its head showing.

After a few minutes, the bird starts to feel better, and begins chirping with happiness.

Nearby a fox hears the bird singing, follows the noise, sees the bird and grabs it from the manure and eats it.

The moral of the story is:

Whoever put you in the doodoo isn’t necessarily your enemy.

Whoever gets you out of the doodoo isn’t necessarily your friend.

But if you’re in the doodoo, and you’re in it up to your neck, for goodness’ sake keep your mouth shut.

Were you a hit?

Bumpity-bump. How many did you slay, Oakminster?

For next time.

A skeleton walks up to the bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you?” The skeleton says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”

This one is clean and works really well on a microphone.

There’s a family of mice going down the street. They spot a cat approaching and the children huddle around the mother for protection. The mama mouse looks at the cat and then


The startled cat runs away.

The mama mouse turns to her kids and says, “It always pays to learn a second language.”