Need a (clean) joke that kills

I went with the special pig joke. It didn’t really kill, but got a few chuckles… The rest of the speech went fine. Sparse crowd, older, very rural. The woman that organized the event was pleased, says she wants me to speak at some other thing she’s doing later in the summer.

Nother three legged animal joke.
It was a slow news day so a reporter was sent out to the country to find a story.
He was driving along a rural road and saw a chicken, and it was walking kind of funny.
As he comes up on the chicken he sees it has three legs, and then it starts running from him.
He guns the car engine, 20 miles an hour, 30 miles an hour, and the chicken is still out running him.
Next thing the chicken darts down a gravel drive and past a barn.
Seeing a farmer, the reporter gets out and asks " Did you see that"?
The farmer says “yup, thats one of my special chickens”
Sencing a story the reporter gets out a note book and starts asking about special chickens.
The farmer says" Well my wife , my son and I all like a drumstick for Sunday dinner.
Serve one chicken, and someone goes without, serve two chickens and there’s more leftovers. I decided to breed a three legged chicken so we would all have one leg."
" So, how do they taste"? asked the reporter.
Farmer replies" Don’t know, haven’t caught one yet"

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure: When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID “CHICKEN!”

A baby penguin walks up to his Mom one day and says, “Mom, am I really a polar bear?”

Mom says, “Of course, dear, you’re a polar bear, I’m a polar bear and your Dad is too.” The kid is dubious but a little later, he approaches his Dad.

He says, “Dad, am I really a polar bear?”

Dad says, “Of course, you’re a polar bear, I’m a polar bear and your Mom is too.” The kid is crestfallen and walks off.

Some time later, 3 mos say, he approaches his Mom and says, “Mom, is it really true that we’re all polar bears?”

Mom says, “Honey, what’s up? You’ve asked me before and Dad tells me you’ve asked him too. Come on, baby, tell your Mom what’s on your mind.”

The baby penguin says, “Mom, i’m friggen freezing.”

Hint:The core ore humor has nothing to do with the with the fact that penquins and polar bears live on different continents.

A minister stops by Sunday school and says:

Children, I have a guessing game for you. I’m thinking of an animal. It’s grey, has a bushy tail, small black eyes, climbs trees, and likes nuts. Can anyone guess what it is?

Silence. Nothing. Not one kid says a word. Finally, though, after much shifting and coughing by the group, a boy raises his hand slowly.

“Yes, my son?”

The boy says, “Well, I was going to guess a squirrel. But I think it’s Jesus!”