I’m not a drinker…well I do drink diet coke…but there is a reason for my not drinking…I get into trouble. This letter that you will read is to Sunny my lesbian best friend (at the time) It was her wedding that I went to 3 years, 3 months and 17 days ago…
Ok, I’m going to go out on a limb and confess that I am a very sentimental person. I save literally everything I come in contact with when I’m out doing something (anything) that I consider will be a memory. I have rocks, cards, letters, dried flowers, movie stubs, you name it - - I got it. Anyway….Sometimes when I write a really good letter to someone and I’m afraid they won’t write back, I keep a copy. This way I can pine over it as though I actually heard from the person. Sick…I know…but sentimental.
I was going through my secret hatbox of letters and found this one. Thought I would share it. (It’s several years old)
Dear Sunny,
I just wanted to drop you a quick note to thank you for inviting me to your party last week. I’m not very good at parties. But I guess you know that by now. I feel awkward at them and sometimes I overcompensate by acting in a way that others who don’t know me, well, might consider a tad strange. However, you know me well and besides, you’re a very perceptive person and I might add, a very FORGIVING person.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m really really really sorry for what happened. Maybe it was good, though. Maybe this will be one of those things that a little while from now you’ll look back on and laugh at. Okay, maybe it will be longer than a little while. Eventually, though, after at most a few decades, there’s bound to be some laughter. Isn’t there? Oh God, I’m so sorry.
I know that we’ve been best friends for a long time and I could just call you on the phone, but I thought a letter would be preferable for two reasons. One, sometimes it’s easier to say things in a letter than it is to say them in person. And two, you don’t seem to be answering my phone calls anymore.
Sometimes nobody answers the phone - - even if I let it ring over 500 times (I’ve counted). At other times, somebody who sounds like you (but I’m sure it isn’t you) answers the phone and asks who is it? When I say “me” that person (who, as I said before, I’m sure isn’t you, because you are much too compassionate) says “ She moved and left no phone number.”
All that being said, let me begin my apology.
I think a lot of what happened can be traced back to the rum cake I brought over. The recipe was written on a worn piece of paper and I just looked over the recipe again, and I see now that it called for two tablespoons of rum. For some reason. Maybe because I was nervous because it had been awhile since I baked for a group of people (other then the kids) I misread that as two BOTTLES of rum. It’s an honest mistake, and your little nephews were eventually going to find out what a hangover is anyway.
I had at least two slices of the rum cake, and I believe that’s when I blurted out that you were a lesbian. I thought everybody already knew. I also thought that everybody would find your old nickname “Bug Bug” funny. I understand now that it isn’t funny. Anyway, it shouldn’t bother you because you’re not buggy looking anymore. Oh yes, I’m also sorry that I told people about your liposuction. But at least I didn’t tell anybody about your nipple piercing experience. Oh, that’s right, I did. Sorry.
As for what I call “the Charades incident” for some reason I get a little competitive (okay, way too competitive) playing party games - - once again, to make up for my own insecurities. That’s why when your priest or reverend (whatever you call him) couldn’t figure out what I was doing FRIED GREEN TOMATOS and kept on guessing TWO MULES FOR SISTER SARA (which, you have to admit, isn’t’ even close – it doesn’t even have the same number of words!) I got ticked off.
That in no way excuses my calling him a God dammed rat &*#@&*)!_ eating moron. Isn’t it cute when you write out curses that way? It’s too bad I didn’t say it like that. Also, when I jokingly implied that he was a child molester, I had no idea about the recent trial (though I’m happy to hear that all the charges have been dropped)
Now the gift. I was under the impression (boy, hindsight is always twenty-twenty, isn’t it?)that the party was for your & Susan’s bridal shower. That’s why I got what I considered to be a gag gift. I didn’t know it was a party for your grandmother’s 90th birthday. Otherwise, I never would have gotten her the crotch less underwear and the coupon for a free nipple piercing (I knew how you really wanted the other nipple pierced)
I admit I laughed pretty hard when your Nanny opened the present (sorry about the wine coming out of my nose on your new rug - - club soda should get out that stain, not coke like I tried), but I thought she was laughing, too. Now I know she was hyperventilating. I swear I’ve never seen anybody’s face turn that red before. That’s why I shouted out, “Look at her, ha h aha. She looks like a big tomato”
Not funny.
I am glad to hear that your Nanny is out of the hospital. I’m the one that sent the big basket of muffins. Nobody told me she was diabetic. She only ate a few of them, and when I called the your mom to check on Nanny she said that at most that added three days to her stay at the hospital - - maybe four.
This part is the hardest to explain. I know that when you opened the door to your bedroom it looked like I was shaving your dog. Well, I was shaving your dog………but not for the reason you might think. I didn’t say, “Hmmm, I think Sunny’s dog would look better with less hair.” Though you have to admit, the cut does give Cassidy an interesting look and makes her look quite girlie.
What happened was, in trying to spit my gum across your kitchen and into the trash can (a trick I do really well at home) I missed, and the gum landed in Cassidy’s fur. I tried to pull it out, but it just made matters worse. So I snuck her into your bedroom with the hope of finding some scissors and cutting the gum out. I didn’t find any scissors, but I did find your Lady Gillette or Remington (I forgot which) and thought, hey, this might work which eventually it did. The gum came out. I’m sorry.
But you have every right to ask, why was I wearing your bathing suit while shaving Cassidy? Good question. In looking for the scissors, I found the bathing suit in the third drawer of your dresser (I didn’t look in your second drawer, so you have no reason to be embarrassed). I had seen that suit in a store the week before and thought it might look good on me. So I figured this was a good opportunity to try it on. (You know how I like trying on your clothes……that’s no surprise)
I believe you see now that there was a logical explanation for everything that happened at your otherwise very successful party.
I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me, and we can be as good friends as we were before last weekend.
Love,
Isabelle
P.S.
Oh yes, I almost forgot. I’m also sorry that I puked all over your fiancé’s pants in the bathroom. What was she doing wearing $300 pants to a party anyway? Ooops.
