HELP I'm going to marry a lesbian on Sat!

Ya know you bring up some very important points. I didn’t really stop to think about this. I just wanted to show my support that I think gays should be allowed to marry.


What does a “mock” wedding prove?
Hmmm I went to a lesbian wedding 3 years ago and it was beautiful. Of course it wasn’t “legal” but the couple are still happily “married”

In reality the above wedding is also a “mock” wedding.

Yes it was taken seriously.

But i was under the STRONG impression this mock wedding that I am to participate in is NOT. Now I wonder why???

Then there is the fact that the gays and lesbians were told they could ask anyone to marry them. I assume that my friend just loves me dearly and I have supported her through some tough times when she was ridiculed for being a dyke, so it just seemed natural to ask me. (Of course who woulnd’t want to be standing next to me at a wedding? <g>) Don’t answer that question.

My personality is not one of a serious nature…so what else would my friend expect?

Isabelle, why don’t you just ask her? I know, but isn’t it better than giving her the wrong thing?

A riding crop is a short, stiff-but-flexible hand-held whip used by equestrians. It has a handle grip and sometimes a small leather loop on the whip end. It is also a popular article in bondage and discipline porn, especially accompanied with leather and latex. Well, I’m sure if you googled for ‘riding crop’ you’ll come up with all kinds of embarassing links. :slight_smile:

As a wedding gift, you might consider getting her a big pile of C-size or D-size batteries: plenty of naughty reasons for two married women to exchange batteries, and plenty of completely innocent ones as well. You can always feign innocence! Or try. :smiley:

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE BATTERY IDEA. (not sure what they are used for…guess it’s an inside lesbian joke :smiley: ) ok ok I might know what they are used for…I’m a blonde…give me a moment…ummm flashlights!

I did ask her for some “helpful hints” what I should exchange with her and she told me she was giving me the top of the can so that got me to thinking.
I am a book collector so I started reading off my prized books…no no no she said no book. I also collect dead things (skulls, turtle eggs, preserved anmials) I offered my prize sand shark and she said no dead things. I offered her my best nailpolish color and she told me to go to hell. So…

I fell back to square one trying to think of what to exchange. I assume the minister will say and with this (CAN OF PORK & BEANS or whatever I exchange) you exchange with Isabelle it means…

But really. Some dopers have made me start to think twice about this entire wedding. I just sent my friend an email asking her some serious questions.
Now I will sit and wait for a response…

Well there is a pussy in the other room that is calling my name.
(I’m trying to learn lesbian lingo…<g> actaully there is a baby kitten we are babysitting and it is crying and seeks attention) Oh to be young, soft and furry.

I’m not a drinker…well I do drink diet coke…but there is a reason for my not drinking…I get into trouble. This letter that you will read is to Sunny my lesbian best friend (at the time) It was her wedding that I went to 3 years, 3 months and 17 days ago…

Ok, I’m going to go out on a limb and confess that I am a very sentimental person. I save literally everything I come in contact with when I’m out doing something (anything) that I consider will be a memory. I have rocks, cards, letters, dried flowers, movie stubs, you name it - - I got it. Anyway….Sometimes when I write a really good letter to someone and I’m afraid they won’t write back, I keep a copy. This way I can pine over it as though I actually heard from the person. Sick…I know…but sentimental.

I was going through my secret hatbox of letters and found this one. Thought I would share it. (It’s several years old)

Dear Sunny,

I just wanted to drop you a quick note to thank you for inviting me to your party last week. I’m not very good at parties. But I guess you know that by now. I feel awkward at them and sometimes I overcompensate by acting in a way that others who don’t know me, well, might consider a tad strange. However, you know me well and besides, you’re a very perceptive person and I might add, a very FORGIVING person.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m really really really sorry for what happened. Maybe it was good, though. Maybe this will be one of those things that a little while from now you’ll look back on and laugh at. Okay, maybe it will be longer than a little while. Eventually, though, after at most a few decades, there’s bound to be some laughter. Isn’t there? Oh God, I’m so sorry.

I know that we’ve been best friends for a long time and I could just call you on the phone, but I thought a letter would be preferable for two reasons. One, sometimes it’s easier to say things in a letter than it is to say them in person. And two, you don’t seem to be answering my phone calls anymore.

Sometimes nobody answers the phone - - even if I let it ring over 500 times (I’ve counted). At other times, somebody who sounds like you (but I’m sure it isn’t you) answers the phone and asks who is it? When I say “me” that person (who, as I said before, I’m sure isn’t you, because you are much too compassionate) says “ She moved and left no phone number.”

All that being said, let me begin my apology.

I think a lot of what happened can be traced back to the rum cake I brought over. The recipe was written on a worn piece of paper and I just looked over the recipe again, and I see now that it called for two tablespoons of rum. For some reason. Maybe because I was nervous because it had been awhile since I baked for a group of people (other then the kids) I misread that as two BOTTLES of rum. It’s an honest mistake, and your little nephews were eventually going to find out what a hangover is anyway.

I had at least two slices of the rum cake, and I believe that’s when I blurted out that you were a lesbian. I thought everybody already knew. I also thought that everybody would find your old nickname “Bug Bug” funny. I understand now that it isn’t funny. Anyway, it shouldn’t bother you because you’re not buggy looking anymore. Oh yes, I’m also sorry that I told people about your liposuction. But at least I didn’t tell anybody about your nipple piercing experience. Oh, that’s right, I did. Sorry.

As for what I call “the Charades incident” for some reason I get a little competitive (okay, way too competitive) playing party games - - once again, to make up for my own insecurities. That’s why when your priest or reverend (whatever you call him) couldn’t figure out what I was doing FRIED GREEN TOMATOS and kept on guessing TWO MULES FOR SISTER SARA (which, you have to admit, isn’t’ even close – it doesn’t even have the same number of words!) I got ticked off.

That in no way excuses my calling him a God dammed rat &*#@&*)!_ eating moron. Isn’t it cute when you write out curses that way? It’s too bad I didn’t say it like that. Also, when I jokingly implied that he was a child molester, I had no idea about the recent trial (though I’m happy to hear that all the charges have been dropped)

Now the gift. I was under the impression (boy, hindsight is always twenty-twenty, isn’t it?)that the party was for your & Susan’s bridal shower. That’s why I got what I considered to be a gag gift. I didn’t know it was a party for your grandmother’s 90th birthday. Otherwise, I never would have gotten her the crotch less underwear and the coupon for a free nipple piercing (I knew how you really wanted the other nipple pierced)

I admit I laughed pretty hard when your Nanny opened the present (sorry about the wine coming out of my nose on your new rug - - club soda should get out that stain, not coke like I tried), but I thought she was laughing, too. Now I know she was hyperventilating. I swear I’ve never seen anybody’s face turn that red before. That’s why I shouted out, “Look at her, ha h aha. She looks like a big tomato”

Not funny.

I am glad to hear that your Nanny is out of the hospital. I’m the one that sent the big basket of muffins. Nobody told me she was diabetic. She only ate a few of them, and when I called the your mom to check on Nanny she said that at most that added three days to her stay at the hospital - - maybe four.

This part is the hardest to explain. I know that when you opened the door to your bedroom it looked like I was shaving your dog. Well, I was shaving your dog………but not for the reason you might think. I didn’t say, “Hmmm, I think Sunny’s dog would look better with less hair.” Though you have to admit, the cut does give Cassidy an interesting look and makes her look quite girlie.

What happened was, in trying to spit my gum across your kitchen and into the trash can (a trick I do really well at home) I missed, and the gum landed in Cassidy’s fur. I tried to pull it out, but it just made matters worse. So I snuck her into your bedroom with the hope of finding some scissors and cutting the gum out. I didn’t find any scissors, but I did find your Lady Gillette or Remington (I forgot which) and thought, hey, this might work which eventually it did. The gum came out. I’m sorry.

But you have every right to ask, why was I wearing your bathing suit while shaving Cassidy? Good question. In looking for the scissors, I found the bathing suit in the third drawer of your dresser (I didn’t look in your second drawer, so you have no reason to be embarrassed). I had seen that suit in a store the week before and thought it might look good on me. So I figured this was a good opportunity to try it on. (You know how I like trying on your clothes……that’s no surprise)

I believe you see now that there was a logical explanation for everything that happened at your otherwise very successful party.

I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me, and we can be as good friends as we were before last weekend.



Oh yes, I almost forgot. I’m also sorry that I puked all over your fiancé’s pants in the bathroom. What was she doing wearing $300 pants to a party anyway? Ooops.

Go to the hardware store and buy a wire cutter (dikes) and some small chain so you can symbolically cut the chains of oppression. You will surely win the creative prize for that one.

That letter has to be a joke… I’m just going to assume a huge woosh and move on. I had been thinking the whole “I’m marrying a lesbian” thing was a joke and a woosh too but in case it is not:

If you really want to support gay marriage in your state why not try some less theatrical things?

1 - write your congresspeople.

2 - Don’t hide your feelings and opinions on the issue from your friends and church members.

3 - If the matter comes up for vote (Like it may up here in MA) vote to legalize gay marriage.

4 - Get involved with a gay rights group.

If this is a mock ceremony that no one but her church congregation is ever going to know happened then it does not do anything one way or another for the legalization of gay marriage. If others will find out about it through publicity - well I don’t think that is how you want your friends and family to find out about this. Why not show your support in a way that you feel comfortable sharing with those closest to you? I also do not see how some mock ceremony is going to sway anyone’s opinion on this matter and I agree with whoever above said that the opponents of gay marriage would hold this mockery of marriage up as an example of why gays shouldn’t marry.

Give this some honest thought beyond “oh boy won’t I be the cute fake lesbian bride.”
4 -

If you really want to support gay marriage in your state why not try some less theatrical things?
-------This marriage thing was not my idea. it is also not an issue I feel strongly to push thru the gov’t. I’m not saying it’s not important, but it is not personal to me like it is to my friend. I just wanted to show my support for my friend.
write your congresspeople.
-----I’m not gay…I’ll leave that up to her
Don’t hide your feelings and opinions on the issue from your friends and church members.
------This is easier said then done…trust me

If the matter comes up for vote (Like it may up here in MA) vote to legalize gay marriage.
------yes I would
Get involved with a gay rights group.
-----nah, my straight weapons aren’t strong enough. I have enough trouble with the PTA!

If this is a mock ceremony that no one but her church congregation is ever going to know happened then it does not do anything one way or another for the legalization of gay marriage.
------------You are right. I will have to ask her about this.
If others will find out about it through publicity - well I don’t think that is how you want your friends and family to find out about this.
------------No I don’t want my friends to know!!!

Give this some honest thought beyond “oh boy won’t I be the cute fake lesbian bride.”
------Ok I will. But it was fun thinking of myself as a bride for a little while there.
You didn’t have to be so honest and be a downer.

Thanks as always for your input.

Why not? Just because you’re straight doesn’t mean you can’t. If some of us straight people don’t I’m afraid the whole movement will be doomed. I am 100% in favor of gay rights, including marriage, and I’m about as straight as it’s possible to be.

I don’t see the point of a mock ceremony myself – I’ve had a few gay friends who held decidely non-mock, if not legally binding, weddings. In at least one place where I’ve lived, such a thing would be publicized as “See? They’re making FUN of us NORMAL people! That’s all they’re out to do! Perverts!”

That being said, I do like the battery idea.

If your friends are going to persecute you in some way for having a gay friend or for supporting her rights - are you sure you want these people to be your friends?

Gay marriage is not a joke, nor should it be treated as such. My dearest friends in the world live in Gainesville and they got married in Vermont, where gay marriage is legal. If the ‘mock marriage’ is being used as a political statement, more power to you. With most marriages, a gift of silver or crystal is a good choice. Say, a set of wine glasses crafted from lead crystal would be tasteful, yet not too expensive.

I may be talking out of school here, but your attitude regarding the ‘marriage’ seems a bit flippiant. That’s not the message you want to send to any registered, living voters in Florida sans chads.

Write your congressman, legislator, et al. Let Jeb know how you feel about gay marriage. The right to survivorship, health bennies and social security benefits are not a trifiling. They are real issues which need to be sanctioned by the powers-that-be. Get a set of wine glasses, fer chrissakes, and start writing!

  1. This is a bad idea, as others have pointed out. I’m not pro-gay marriage, however committing to someone for the rest of your life is no joke, gay or straight. There are some things that just shouldn’t be done as a joke, Britney.

  2. Any prenup should be done by a lawyer. NEVER ever ever ever EVER enter into a contract of ANY kind without having a lawyer look it over first. Do-it-yourself contracts aren’t worth a pitcher of warm spit.

Count me in the column with those who find this “mock” wedding a little questionable. I realize it’s not your idea and you want to support your friend, but… it feels too serious an occassion to disrespect. It annoys me like Elvis chapel Britney weddings.

If you’re doing this to support your friend, a gag gift is fine… but afterwards. During the ceremony find something really meaningful to show how much you do care for her friendship (outside of actually standing up there with her). I personally like the idea of a piece of jewelry (ring, bracelet, etc.). To 'fess up, I glazed over the thread so if someone suggested this I apologize. Do you have an inside experience or phrase just between you two? If so, get it etched into the item.

Nitpick: same-sex marriage is not legal in Vermont. Vermont has legalized “civil unions,” which are supposed to convey all the rights and responsibilities of marriage but not the title. The only state where same-sex marriage will be legal any time in the near future is Massachusetts, which will see the first marriage licenses issued to same-sex couples May 17 and the first marriages May 20.

Count me in among those who think this demonstration is a bad idea.

Thank you for that clarification, Otto. I really thought that gay marriage was legal in Vermont. I stand corrected.

At least, it’s a step in the right direction, no?

Can you afford a couple of plane tickets to Beautiful BC?

None of that wussy ambivalent ‘civil union’ crap for us in BC! C’mon up!

Yeah, thinking about the way something might actually play out and the ramifications – while pointing out that your actions will actually come nowhere close to hitting the mark of what you intended – what a party pooper! She didn’t have to say that!

Just go back in time three days when you were going to have a super happy lesbian wedding! Isn’t it fun! You are really doing your part to change the world.

KUDOS! I applaud your efforts!

Insert smiley of your choice here. I can think of about three that apply, and none of them actually have a smile.

You’ve got to be kidding, right?

I can’t imagine that this farce will do much to help the cause.

I haven’t heard from my friend all day. i sent a really serious email asking for more information as several have you brought up some excellent points that I had not thought of.

In the meantime I went shopping for wedding gifts…just in case I do it.
If not then heck I will give them as Valentine gifts!

Bought the batteries! ha ha that was a great suggestion

I personally made a mixed tape of music that is a tapestry of “our” lives together as friends. All the ups and downs, ect…

I bought candy

A DVD which I can’t tell you what it is but I have written a letter to go with it. It is about “changes in one’s life”

I bought something else but am having a blonde moment…

I think I am going to give her the ring I mentioned. My son said it is NOT Esmerelda. he says it’s JASMINE. I have no clue the history of her so I will have to figure it out.

Not sure if I am going to go thru with this. The more I think about it the mroe I wonder what the purpose of the whole thing is…I wrote my friend a letter and told her to fess up. Was I going to be on Candid Camera? HA HA
If the tv crew was going to be there…It is several hours from my house so I think I would be safe.

As far as Tanookie’s question about if my friends won’t accept gay/lesbian do I want them to be my friends? Hmmmm that is tough to respond to without going into my religon and having it end up in the pit. That’s ok my lesbian/gay friends don’t like my straight friends! I just love them all!!!

I will hear from my friend tomorrow and let you know.