John, your sham proposal was just so touching that I feel the need to offer my services as a sham officiant for your sham marriage.
Allow me to introduce myself. Through the good graces of the Universal Life Church, I’m proud to be the Head Pastor of the Spouting Rock Interfaith Church and Conference Center. Our fine institution has been saving souls and pouring coffee for nearly a decade, and in that time, not one of our parishoners has ever been damned to Hell, as far as we know.
We offer a variety of sham-marriage packages for your convenience, or you and your betrothed can have a ceremony custom-tailored to reflect only those vows you might wish to think about maybe considering honoring towards each other, if you want to. You can choose to have your union blessed by Yaweh, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, Baal, the Kami, Odin, Gaia, the IPU, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, Cthulhu, or a special all-star panel of secular humanists. Because the Spouting Rock Interfaith Church and Conference Center respects your privacy, you can rest assured that your blessed marriage will not be recorded in any document on file with any government agency, and I will categorically deny any knowledge of it once the ceremony is over and I’ve completed the final ritual of the 19 Tequila Shots.
In your case, because you’re marrying a spoken-for lesbian in another country that you’ve never met, I recommend our special Martina Navratilova Package. It comes with the standard blessing of the coupling(s), vows by yourself and andygirl to remain loving and faithful towards each other so long as you both shall feel like it (subject, of course, to her someday deciding that she likes men in general and you in particular), and a special, touching segment where andygirl passionately makes out with her girlfriend in front of our congregation and their camcorders while you and I go back in the vestry and drink beer.
So, John, if that is your real name, and frankly, we don’t really give a crap if it’s not, I hope that you will consider entrusting your Sacred and Eternal Union (optional Non-Eternal Unions are available for a small additional fee) to the Spouting Rock Interfaith Church and Conference Center, “Your Broadband Connection to Eternal Salvation.” Let me know if I should start consecrating the icons and thawing the mini-quiche…
Rev. Ezeikel Canaan Overbite (Mrs.)