Since a bunch of other people are doing “virtual weddings”, I thought that I would give it a try and see if anyone is interested in me. But there are some qualifications that you must meet, of course:
You must be female (sorry guys…)
You must like cats.
You must have read my recent Pit thread deconstruction and decided that I really am not such a bad person after all. Or if so, that you are willing to change me…
No IV drug users.
Age - from 16 to 56.
Weight, height, appearance - irrelevant. However, you must be clean.
Sexual appetite - must be willing to make love at least once a day average, much more on weekends and holidays. Must like receiving sensual foot and leg massages, neck nibbling, tummy rubs, ear licking, soft bites, and multiple orgasms.
Other than that, I’ll be pretty open. You don’t even have to like Coal, just accept it’s part in my life.
The following people are excluded from the running:
pepperlandgirl - sorry Haley, but I can’t take you away from a damn fine man like Jaime.
andygirl and quietgirl - they belong together, and to seperate them would be a capital offense, IMO.
techchick68 - who has told me at least a thousand times that she is straight, so there is no point hoping for her…
Well, let’s see if anyone puts themselves forward…
Otherwise, I volunteer. Do you mind spiders? If you absolutely have to have a lesbian for your virtual lesbian bride, I will step aside and play bagpipes or something else suited to eight legs (octopipes?), or at least I will be a virtual bridesmaid.
We’ve decided, as your adoptive daughters, that she’s going to be in charge of the quiet parts of the wedding- flower arranging, writing and sending invites, ect. She will also play lovely Irish melodies on her flute, if you like. She also wants to be the flower girl.
I will take care of the lesbian batchelorette party, as well as catering and things of that ilk. ULVAN will also pitch in and make this a merry civil union.
The cake will be a joint effort, similar (but with hopefully better results) than our sugar cookie escapade.
I reserve my right to rate all applicants based on the Annoying Daughter Perspective.
But It’s okay. I’m virtually proposing to racinchikki in about 5 minutes in my “Apparently, I’m a hottie” thread (linked in sig). Be the first to congratulate us!
What color are the bridemaids outfits ging to be? Rainbow colors might be appropriate. And after the wedding is over, I could sell them all at my virtual garage sale, just in time for people to wear them for prom queen Halloween costumes.
-----
—////\\
So, do lesbian weddings have all bridesmaids, or will you have bride guys as well?
Well, since Spider Woman beat me to the altar , could I be your virtual last one-night stand?
See, not only am I drawn to you for your computer skills, I also had the pleasure of reading a certain very steamy post I believe you were involved with which impressed me hugely.
Plus, I think Una is a terribly sexy name. Just saying it does something to me…
You must be female (sorry guys…) Finally! Someone willing to marry one of us sorry guys!
You must like cats. If you like constant sneezing.
You must have read my recent Pit thread deconstruction and decided that I really am not such a bad person after all. Or if so, that you are willing to change me… You’ll do.
No IV drug users. I’ll agree to that, but don’t ask to share my crack pipe.
Age - from 16 to 56. ** Physical or emotional age? (It makes a difference.) **
Weight, height, appearance - irrelevant. However, you must be clean. That’s not me. The dog must’ve rolled in something.
Sexual appetite - must be willing to make love at least once a day average, much more on weekends and holidays. Okay, but can we do it more often if I come to visit?
Other than that, I’ll be pretty open. You don’t even have to like Coal, just accept it’s part in my life. I have natural gas heating. Will that do?
No, she didn’t beat you to the altar - she wants to be a bridesmaid. So you can still be in the running. My daughter, however, disapproves…
And remember! Una is pronounced like “Oona”, not “You-na”. So when you cry out my name in the dead of night in another’s arms, you can pronounce it properly…
Oh! Am I too late now? I am one small celibate female with cat. (A very wonderful cat!) OK, then if nothing else, maybe I could be the traditonal tiresome relation/boring guest? I could just sneak along and sit at the back of the hall or church. And I could promise to sing loudly, because such people always do. And I could bring my cat along.
Look, I would even buy a hamster also, if it would get me an invitation to this ceremony of the century. (Sadly, much though I should like it, I cannot even plead to be a bridesmaid, being not as slim as a supermodel, and a bit more cynical.)
Well, I’d apply, except for one thing. See, I’m only female in the most basic biological sense. And while I like cats, and sex, and I’m relatively clean, and I don’t have track marks, and all the rest of the stuff pretty much applies, I’m sure you’d get sick of dealing with me watching football every damn weekend, and we’d end up bitter and regretful, and we’d get a quickie virtual divorce after six months.
I don’t want to put you through that. So I guess we’ll just be virtual friends.
Sorry, and I hope you find your virtual dream girl soon.
Anthracite, I do most heartily thank you for your invitation, although I feel must remark that you have used the word “cat” in the same sentence as “train” and I do not think my cat meets your (unimaginably) high standards of cat behaviour in this case.
Sorry, I do not know who “Jinxy” is, but if it is a lively but silly cat, then my cat wants to be considered for the starring role.
(Cat is very good at tummy rubbing, neck biting, and all sorts of friendly body rubbing; does that help?)
, could I be your virtual last one-night stand?