Help me be more witty

In My Humble Opinion
21

I don’t know why you let small minds with smaller body-parts bother you, but if it will help, here are some easy pre-fab replies:

If they say:

You can reply:
“What’s it to a Freak like you?! Are you my own Personal Stalker, or is this just your pathetic way of trolling for dates?! Why don’t you grow a pair and stop Wasting My Time???”
If they say:

You can reply:

“And what did You do, Bench-warmer…? Maybe if you answered a question or two it’d help get those splinters out of your ass…!”

or

“Yeah, and the only thing that sees you shoot and score is Kleenex.”

or

“Some of us get to play, but the most you’ll Ever get to do is Watch. Wink & blow him a kiss”

22

Dude, how do you guys come up with these insults?

23

Aw shucks…it’s easy when you’re posting to an internet message board and no real-life high-school asshole is verbally assaulting you at that very moment!

I had a hard time in seventh grade. My method for dealing with bullies then was to give them the ol’ deer-in-the-headlights look, and then go home and cry. If it happened today, I’d probably do it again.

24

Don’t tell anyone, but I’ll be on NBC’s ‘Heroes’ in January. My talent is “the uncanny ability to piss people off”*. Ssssshh! :wink:

*Actual quote from an employer in the early 90’s. :smiley:

25

Nice.

Give us some more miss, I want to join the counter-insult team too.

26

“Counter-assault team” lol LOVE IT.

27

I agree. Nice one with the Kleenex.

A lot of these insults we have to devise on our own. Pioneers of insults, some would say. For example, I was an early adopter of “Yo Momma” jokes. You might laugh, but back in the day.

Damn.
I’m 25, for what it’s worth. Yes, I’m old now. I’m rather aware of it.

I STILL think that going to a few of their games and pointing out their shortcomings would be the most devastating. If you do it right, you might make them cry. If only we had a way to channel Eric Cartman for this soon-to-be sassy young woman.
By the way, welcome to the Dope.

28

I believe that ignoring bullies is the best way to discourage them, but if you feel it’s not working you might try this site. Delivery is important, so take the advice on the site and practice before using them. Attitude is important and you will get better w/ practice.
http://www.bullystoppers.com/101_great_comeback_lines.htm

29

These beauties got me through dealing with idiots, and still do. Eventually you’ll get to the point where you can whip stuff out off-the-cuff (There are a few smack downs attributed to myself that are legendary in the family). You just have to feed your inner sense of sarcasm!

I’m sorry you are going through this, I have dealt with some pretty hardcore harassment in my time as well. But consider it a life lesson: you are going to have to deal with these sorts of dildos throughout adult life even. Mostly it will be toned down as compares with the stuff in high school, but not always.

To summarize:

  1. Be sarcastic
  2. …
  3. Profit!

Hang in there. I know it sucks.

30

Ugh. I have to disagree with this. I’ve never known that technique to really be successful. At worst your tormenters will step up their attacks to test your nerve.

Anyway, a good way to start formulating your own comebacks is taking the initial insult, and using parts of it in a way that implies the insulter is sexually inadequate (small penis, can’t get dates/laid, masturbates a lot, etc.) or sucks at sports. (Percieved) prowess at those two are especially dear to the average jock. Keep some variety so you’re not repeating yourself, and most importantly, keep it to a short quip. You don’t want to be interruped in the middle of a long retort, it looks bad. Count Blutcher’s sample comebacks to the “shoots and misses” insult are good examples.

31

Usually when someone gets teased repeatedly, it’s because the teasers get a rise out of the teasee’s reaction.

So how do you react? What’s your involentary reaction? What do you do when you stop ignoring it?
What’s the rise?

32

I’ve found the most effective way to get people to quit bugging you is… not to just ignore them. I’ve been told that all my life and I sort of figured it meant “say nothing and then walk away and don’t think about it.”

What matters is that they know you think you’re better than them. Whether you actually think it or not.

Laugh derisively at them. When they make fun of you, give them an “oh my god that was incredibly stupid” laugh and then say, “Sorry. that was just… wow. I didn’t realize people your age still behaved like that” or a simple, “hah! what are you, four?” or an amused look and, “I cannot believe you’re saying that.” or a sarcastic laugh and “you’re SO FUNNY! oh my god, ‘she shoots and misses?’ comedy GOLD!”

If there are specific offenders, turn to their friends and matter-of-factly say, “Poor thing. He’s just frustrated because he knows I’ll never go out with him.” Even if he doesn’t actually like you- the idea is not to make him go, “oh god, she’s so right! I must change my evil ways!” it’s to embarrass him in front of his friends.

And the most important part is, when you say something and everyone gets all, “OOOOOHHHHHHH!!! She’s getting MAD! i’m scared!” THAT is when you smile deviously and walk away or turn away or somehow let them know they no longer have your attention.

In the middle of class, depending on the teacher, any comment they make can be met with a sarcastic, “um, I’m here to learn and I really want to know all about ionic compounds, so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep your little comments to yourself, mmmkay?” Tone of voice is important there because you have to sort of convey that you don’t ACTUALLY find ionic compunds interesting. Just more interesting than him.

Another one of my favorites is to start arguing with them about their specific insult. “That doesn’t even make SENSE!” “whu…? yes it does!” “no it doesn’t, moron! I didn’t take the bus because I’m scum? there’s no logical connection between the two!” even if it does make some sense, they’ll be caught off-guard, get sidetracked, and then you can leave them feeling baffled.

good luck. Remember, boys are dumb.

33

HEY! I resemble that remark! :stuck_out_tongue:

34

Durrrrrrrrr…
…wha?

35

Man, I was so going to use that as a way into this thread. Curse you!

Actually, I don’t think at all fast on my feet, all spontaneous-like in casual conversation with strangers. I guess my only defense, and it’s taken a lot of years to develop, is to be absolutely deadpan. In fact, my normal facial expression is just that - dead flat (and I’m not saying that this is a good thing all the time).

Good luck, and remember that you’re on the SDMB now - that alone makes you better than your teasers. :slight_smile:

36

**Go fuck yourself. **

Why can’t that work?

37

oh, come on now. You guys are MEN. Or at the very least, DUDES.

38

I’ll be 68 in Jan., but I’m still a boy at heart and I’m definitely not a dude. :cool:

39

Insulting their sexuality is always good.

“Why weren’t you on the bus today? Is it 'cause you’re scum, scumbag?”
“Aw whatsamatter? 'Nother fight with your boyfriend?”
“She shoots, she misses!”
“Gee, that’s what your boyfriend said about you.”

40

Something that helped me was really paying attention to the non-verbal messages I was sending. Tune into things like your own posture (in particular), as well as facial expression and eye contact. These are the trifecta of the appearance of confidence. If you look confident, you’re less of a target, because you are not exposing weakness just by your very presence.

Concentrate on these things, because they don’t come easily:

  1. When walking or sitting down, keep your shoulders back and chin level. Think of a helium ballon attached to the crown of your head and lifting your head and spine into a (relatively) straight line. Your shoulders shouldn’t be stiff, so don’t square them, just roll them back so they’re parallel with your spine. Don’t shuffle as you walk.

  2. You’ve probably got this covered, but still. Aim for a relaxed-but-pleasant look as your default setting. I discovered that my natural expression (facial muscles all relaxed, etc.) is just sad. I look like I’m about to cry. It’s weird. So in public, I try not to let my face relax completely.

  3. Eye contact. This one is the killer, and takes the most time to get comfortable with. Look your insulters in the eye every time you see them, and every time they say something to/about you. Especially look them in the eye if you decide to retort. Any time you avoid looking at them, any time you look but your eyes skitter away, you’re announcing you don’t feel like you can confront them. Don’t announce you’re weaker than them!

Good luck!