I second what Beadalin said, very good advice.
yes, good advice Bea.
I’ve been called worse! You can do better!
god…girls are so stupid…
Also (I can’t BELIEVE I didn’t remember this before), “Hey! The jerk store called! They said they’re all out of you!”
I think we know how THAT ends up.
let it be known that my female birth giver’s pet nickname is “jerk store”. fun times, i tells ya.
I normally reply with an eye-roll, 'cause I can’t think of anything. And stuff like “she shoots, she misses” is like towards the whole class kinda thing so everyone hears. It’s also the jerks that respond to it. Bah, it’s just annoying 'cause in that class, there’s a big group of guys who all happen to be friends this year whilst I unluckily happened to not have any of my friends in that class. I’m not a loner in the class at all but I don’t have close friends in that class, whilst everyone else coincidentally happens to have a best friend in that class. I even signed up with my friends for that class to make sure we’d be in the same one, but instead the teachers split us up so that we had classes at the same time but with different teachers! I’m a good student so it can’t be because I’m a bad influence or anything! I highly doubt I’m a geek as well 'cause I’m good at sport and they know it.
Here’s what the bus-jerk/s frequently throw at me, “get outta here, go on, get outta here/look who’s here” in a really disgusted voice. I could say “what’s your effing problem” and then they’d probably reply “you existing/breathing.”
Obviously, the retort is “You were a load that should have been swallowed.”
I’m much more blunt than you, apparently.
So shall I confront them? But if I confront them and they continue then I’ve pretty much used all my cards haven’t I. Or from now on shall I put on a poker face.
…or you’re forced to keep coming up with new stuff. Personally, I wouldn’t confront until you had a body of work to draw upon. Another reason why I advocate watching some of their games and highlighting their failures in public.
Oh well all the team sports mathes happen at the same time and we’re all on sports teams so… (the class I’m referring to is phys. ed.) and now that we have had a lesson on the impact of an audience on sportsmen,(our class purposely booed each other as an experiment to see if team a or b would win) it won’t really work and plus I’ll be on my own shouting abuse which doesn’t look very cool not being back up by anyone.
No no. I’m not talking about DURING the contest. I’m talking about AFTER. Take a pad of paper, note what the number was of the guy that ran into the victim. Next day, your victim says that you’re a waste of space, point out that you’re impressed that he’s awake now with how hard (insert jersey number of opponent that knocked him cold) hit you. Feel free to add something into that, or after that, that has your own personal pizzaz.
Part of the trick is not to force it too much. You don’t try to think of something witty–you just do and spit it out. Naturally this takes some time to learn the trick of–there will be a lot of times that you’ll think of something after the appropriate time has passed–but eventually you will be able to think of things quickly enough to make a good retort. The best ones, IMHO, somehow turn the insult back on the person who said it, and as a result they’re also the hardest ones to pull off, because you can’t have them prepared in advance.
For me, I think it helped that I tended to hang out with people who make fun of each other a lot–the relationship I have with most of my friends includes a lot of light-hearted jabs and the like. So I got practice in a setting that wasn’t confrontational.
You will have to develop your own style that matches your own personality. Personally, with those kinds of jabs I’d probably reply with a slient “you’re an idiot” glare, or a deadpan stare while saying “that’s the stupidest thing you’ve said today.” However, that may not fit your personality very well–I don’t know you so I can’t say. Some other possibilities (again, suited to my personality, and with the advantage of having time to think about it)
Re: bus–“Nah, I didn’t feel like hanging out with losers like you today.”
Re: shoots and misses–“Lets see you do better then” (Honestly, I’d be far more likely to just roll my eyes here)
Keep it simple. It sounds like these guys are pretty dumb, so a nice witty comeback will probably be wasted on them.
Personally, I like “shut up, pencil dick.” You can’t go wrong insulting their manhood.
The key is in the delivery though – you can’t appear too upset because that’s mission accomplished for your tormentors. These insults work best when delivered in a breezy conversational tone, like you don’t give a damn one way or the other. Try smiling even.
I know it’s hard not to let your anger show, but I’m guessing that’s exactly what’s causing them to pick on you – seeing that your feelings are hurt is only going to encourage them. So it’s really important to pretend they don’t bother you.
Practice your blank stare, perhaps with an arched eyebrow to suggest your irritation at this filthy cockroach that has gotten underfoot. Chuckle softly and shake your head in bemusement at the sheer idiocy of it all.
On the other hand, too much of that and people will think you’re a frosty bitch. Use in moderation.
Today I got on the bus, to a greeting of “F*** off, go fing sit upstairs." that was so loud I’m pretty sure the whole bus could hear. What the hell am I supposed to do! Of course I’d love to get away from HIM, but if I do sit upstairs that would seem like an act of submission and he would “win”. You’re probably right in that the wittier subtler comebacks would be lost on some of them. I do have the perfect friend to insult me, but his insults are different, he IS the witty kind as opposed to the "f off and die” type of things.
Oh, and worst of luck, I found out that bus-jerk is working in a newly opened Borders at the weekends, GAH!!! I love to hang out at Starbucks/Borders etc. in order to relax etc. sigh
Btw, I do appreciate the help guys, just being able to talk about it helps a little. ARGH! It’s just always on my mind at the moment…
Oh and to the most recent insult I replied with a “why do you say such things?” and I didn’t really get a reply. Shrug
Jeez. The only advice I have is one I was forced to follow (since, like you, I only barely started coming up with the occasional clever retort by mid-teens.). It is this:
Bite your teeth together, and wait.
Sucks, doesn’t it?
I can only offer sympathy. You’re lucky, being good at sports is a good shield, though apparantly not a perfect one.
Try, if you can, to not let them bother you (I never could, mind you). Remember that they are childish, incomplete and utterly failed examples of human beings. Just be better then them, and keep that as a revenge. This will pass, though it doesn’t feel that way now.
And now for the childish idea. If you’re willing to risk seven kinds of hell afterwards, go to the store where he works, act completely unreasonable (inspiration found at customerssuck.com) and if he is anything but corteous and proffessional, complain to his manager. Rince and repeat.
Even more childish idea: keep calling in bogus complaints. Get friends to call in bogus complaints. Get the asshat fired. (Not meant seriously!)
I’d keep a number of remarks like this handy, as really it’s the only sort of line you’re going to be able to get away with repeatedly (there’s never anything wrong with a good “Screw you”). I should have mentioned this last night, but while having prepared lines is great and all (and to start off with, probably a good idea), in general you’re not going to be able to a line more than once or twice without sounding lame. If you’re constantly replying with the same retort, you’ll wind up worse off than you started. You need variation.
This is one area where I suspect they have an advantage over you–they probably find it funny to use the same line over and over again (from how you described it, it sounds like this may be the case). When it comes to comebacks, you can’t get away with that. Although, if they are using the same lines repeatedly, a good reply might be something along the lines of “Have any original material?”
The other advantage they’d have is that their ‘insults’ are so lame that they’re not worth wasting a good line on. Might be worth working on a good “you’re an idiot” gaze 
Oh belive me I’d love to get him fired, he is the most uncouth person I’ve ever met, he smokes weed, litters, speaks rudely and loudly to his friends about other people nearby, spits in the bus, spits gum in the bus… YET, he is popular and has the second highest position in the Student Committee!!
Why do the good guys never win…
What happens on the bus is that, he gets on first then I do, so it’s me and him alone which is when all the insults fly around, then his friends get on at the next stop who are completely normal and fine and so when conversation is going on in the group, he speaks normally to me. In my head I’m thinking “I fucking hate you dickhead” but what comes out of my mouth is polite and helpful in the group conversation.
Next time (which is likely tomorrow,) I really am going to try the old “starting to sound like a broken record”/immature/lack of vocabulary and failing that, as I know it will do, I’ll go for the “go fuck yourself/eat shit and die.” I swear it’s 'cause he knows he can get away with it, when he spits on the bus etc, the girls give him a disgusted look but no-one says anything like “you shouldn’t do that.”
Oh belive me I’d love to get him fired, he is the most uncouth person I’ve ever met, he smokes weed, litters, speaks rudely and loudly to his friends about other people nearby, spits in the bus, spits gum in the bus… YET, he is popular and has the second highest position in the Student Committee!!
Why do the good guys never win…
What happens on the bus is that, he gets on first then I do, so it’s me and him alone which is when all the insults fly around, then his friends get on at the next stop who are completely normal and fine and so when conversation is going on in the group, he speaks normally to me. In my head I’m thinking “I fucking hate you dickhead” but what comes out of my mouth is polite and helpful in the group conversation and completely hides what I’m thinking as no-one has an idea about what I think of him.
Next time (which is likely tomorrow,) I really am going to try the old “starting to sound like a broken record”/immature/lack of vocabulary and failing that, as I know it will do, I’ll go for the “go fuck yourself/eat shit and die.” I swear it’s 'cause he knows he can get away with it, when he spits on the bus etc, the girls give him a disgusted look but no-one says anything like “you shouldn’t do that.”