Thanks Anaamika. It’s nice to be considered a friend.
I think this is the key right here. That ol’ Serenity Prayer may be totally clichéd, but there’s a certain amount of wisdom to it - there are some things we simply can not change (at the moment), and accepting them is the best you can do. And it’s not forever, either - your kids will grow up and moving away will be more feasible for you. Instead of wallowing (no matter how sinfully delicious it may feel right now), look at why you aren’t liking the things you don’t like, and figure out changes you can make.
People get so stuck on that voice in their heads saying, “I HAVE to do this. I CAN’T do that.” You HAVE to eat, breathe, sleep, and poo. The rest is choices. And don’t forget that none of this is forever, either.
Did I mention that it’s not forever? That’s the hazard of taking a phone call in the middle of a post. 
ah, but I would never pull the football out like she did–such a cruel thing to do. Come to think of it, that whole comic strip was messed up, really. No wonder I have depressive episodes!
Best to you, Quicksilver --take it one day at a time and try to find pleasure in little things. That alone should save your sanity. And love those boys to death, ok?
hugs QuickSilver and smooches
Yeah, that’s all I got. Want some apples and fall leaves from Ontario? offers
Fall leaves… apples… lap dances…
I’m startin’ to feel the love. 
I am sorry, because I do feel you. OK, I feel a little funny posting that after the lap dance comments. What I really meant was that I hoped this wallowing, (and I agree with others, that wallowing can be a good thing,) does not interfere with you realtionship with your children. We both know it can. I glad you have that under control, and I am sure you are a fine father. Actually, most of the time you are one of my favorite Dopers. I even believe you are local, and I’d be aggreable if you’d like to grab a beer some time.
And, if I try real hard, my next post my resemble English.
I feel bad that I am the one who started the bit about the lap dances.
I think lap dances are yucky (to coin a sophisticated phrase).
Carry on.
(and if that means lap dancing, don’t tell me about it!)
:eek:
[post=5770518]Me too.[/post]
Stranger
You’re on. I’ll buy first round. 
I need to break out of this funk and isolation I’ve sheltered myself in. I’m starting work in Bethesda next week. Perhaps one day after work if you are also in the area? I’m warning you now though… I can’t talk sports or golf. Email me.
Quicksilver, it sounds to me like a big part of your problems has to do with your wife’s financial situation? If your wife is un- or underemployed, I’m sure it’s very stressful for the both of you. Especially if your children enjoyed a relatively comfortable material life before the divorce. No one wants to see their children suffer or want for things, and no one wants that for themselves. Money issues can be at the root of petty bickering, blaming, depression…
You intimate that your wife doesn’t even have the resources to rent a U-Haul, that you are greatly burdened with the majority of the income not only for yourself, but hers as well. This is at the root of your quandry of whether to move, as well, I take it?
So let me ask you this: Did your wife forsake an education/work experience/training program in order to support you with your education and/or career and raise your children, that you had together? If so, isn’t the logical way out for her, you, and the children, an education or training for her, that in the long run would save you all from eternal financial misery?
Ja, you gotta get away from the ex - she’s absolutely using you. She’s not your problem anymore.
And many kudos for your parenting skills - good on ya.
How’s about redecorating? Could you take on a project at home to renovate that room you hate? Add color, get new carpeting, grab some inexpensive cushions or an incredible flea market find, make that space the best place in the house. Then move on to the next room. Color helps everything.
Quicksilver: Kythereia is trying to organize a Toronto dopefest! Why don’t you come up for that? A little hometown hug and a couple of martinis.
It’s less an issue of money, I think, than being able to extracate ouselves from one another’s life. It would be far easier for me if I did not have to see or deal with her in any way shape or form. But I do because of the children. For her part, she has not asked me for money for herself… well she tried but I quickly dissuaded her of that notion. She’s the one who left me for someone else and that someone else, less than a year later was living with her and the kids. Largely for financial reasons she stated but even that’s not been as great an arrangement as she hoped.
In short, I continue to support the kids very generously and according to local child services guidelines based on parental income. In fact I go above and beyond that with their private music lessons, swim lessons, summer day camp, and much of their school needs, clothes, etc… So that frees up the child support money I hand her a bit but she still has trouble having ends meet because she’s not as supported as she thought she might be by the boyfriend. I don’t know the circumstances of their financial arrangement and I don’t want/need to know. She works part time and has for a couple of years now. She does so because she wants to spend time with the kids and not have them be in an afterschool program. I support her in that decision but that arrangement may change as she realizes she needs to work more hours. Historically, she was a stay at home mom for the first 7 years of the life of our oldest (4 years for the youngest). She has a university education. She is smart and capable and clearly employable. Her current employer would take her full time if she was available to work those hours.
So you see, though there is a financial side to this matter, it’s mostly her feeling the strain of having to be on a very strict budget… which she didn’t need to worry about through our marriage. But there is also a huge emotional attachement component because it’s hard to break the bonds built and maintained for 15 years. When it was good, it was very good. She has no strong family ties with her family. Mine are a rock and have opened their arms to her but she can’t go to them now because of guilt and because of various issues of her self worth.
Look, it’s never straight forward, clean or easy. It’s finances, it’s emotions, it’s long standing grudges on her part and more recently on mine, etc…etc…etc…
I thought that if I were able to get her to follow me to a place where I’d feel more grounded and to a country that is really home for us, then she’d become happier and more settled in time. Not that it would lead us to get back together, I don’t think she’s capable of the necessary changes that would require, but it would be better for all of us (kids included). But here, it feels like interminable limbo. We’re guests in this country. Welcome guests because of our work visas but guests never the less.
So while (almost) nothing is impossible and I can create a life here for myself (as many posters have rightly suggested), and she is certainly making the attempt, I think it would be easier to pack it in and start over back on our home ground. A place where at least the kids and I would have a close and loving extended family and she would at least be able to have a choice of whether she wanted to accept that as well.
Does that make sense?
So funny you should say that. I’m really into that kind of thing myself. Making my home environment really comfortable and me. I live in a really nice appartment/condo community but it’s a one bedroom place and the kids sleep on the couches when they stay over. I’m looking to move up to a two bedroom place so they have a room of their own.
But yeah, that change would be good for my mental health and it would be a fun project. Money has bee a bit tight lately with unfortunate intermittent work over the past two years but I’m starting a long term contract next week and the situation should improve significantly. It’s definitely high on my list of things to do/change.
I’d love to and I have considered it very seriously. But I start a new contract on Tuesday and have some personal/business affairs to get into order here before that happens. Wish that I could… 
But my ex is going to be up there to renew her work visa… perhaps you want to invite her. 
I think I had suggested that you should start dating again in your other recent thread. Knowing more details now, I take it back. You have a lot of baggage right now, and your kids need you a lot more than you need a woman right now. And with all the involvement with your wife, you don’t seem to have a lot to offer a new girlfriend at this point. You might consider putting off the dating thing for a while. Just a thought.
Sorry, you can’t make it Quicksilver…no, I’m afraid what your wife did is beyond the forgiveable for me and I haven’t the stomache for the person who does things like that. I wouldn’t want to sit next to her nor invite her. Not that I’m perfect, but we all have our “never forgiven” list - having an affair is on mine.
I disagree. There is a happy medium here. The kids are well and adjusted and have what they need. The accel at school, music and swimming and all their other activities. They know they are loved by both parents and have settled into a routine of spending almost equal time with both of us.
The kids are not the worry here. Though we both do everything within our power to make sure things remain that way for them. Like I said, everything else aside, being good parents is our number one priority. Always.
As for dating, it’s less baggage than it appears and I’m good at isolating and compartmentalizing my life where I don’t look at my date as a potential social worker or therapist. In fact, it happens to me far more often that my date looks to me as such. :smack:
Never the less, I’ve gone on one or two dates (have one tonight in fact) but realize that my heart is just not in it. I’m just going through the motions right now because I can’t sequester myself at home alone and I’m sick of the mall and the book store. 