…cuz I can’t seem to achieve level flight and nothing I’m doing now is working.
Minuses:
It’s been a difficult 5 years. To sum it up:
Unemployed for a total of 24 months of it (IT can be a bitch)
Marriage tanked - spouse found better hunting grounds - or so she thought…
Career stalled - don’t like what I’m doing but not financially able to leap to something else nor skilled at anything else.
Living in a place I don’t like. Not even a little. Far away from family and closest friends
Dealing with a chronic health issue (10 years now)
Whipping boy for ex wife’s economic problems, etc…
Still feeling like I’m her problem solver because she has primary cutody of kids
Emotionally still pulled in/manipulated by her despite divorce being in final stage
Currently out of work. That will change soon but it’ll be more of the same crap.
Pluses:
Put my frustration into a regular training routine and am in best shape of my life.
Found my own worth again and learned that I’m deserving of love and have a lot to offer
Close to my kids, physically and emotionally
Managing chronic health issue
Know that I don’t want her back… she’s not the same person I knew
Probably start a new job very soon. Great compensation.
Family and friends have been very supportive through it all
The issue is, if I maintain the status quo, i.e.: stay here, do what I do, be who I am, change nothing… then nothing will change. I’ll remain in a sort of suspended animation where I’m not making progress but just going through the motions and making it from day to day in my mundane routine. No passion for anything or anyone.
Or I can turn things around. I can pack it in and go back (closer to) home. I’d have done it a long time ago but not without my kids. They are the only thing that keeps me physically here and doing what I have to do to provide for them.
The difference now is… I sense that my ex is not happy with her situation and she takes evey opportunity to tell me so in many not too subtle ways. Now I’ve always been the problem solver in our marriage. Particularly in the financial and tactical arenas. She’s the administrator and logistician. I devise a plan and strategy to achieve a goal and she organizes and executes the details. That’s how it’s worked. That’s what she wants from me right now. She’s unhappy in her situation and sees (nor has) a way out and she’s looking to me to provide that. I’m happy to. I can do it. I’ll find a way out but I don’t know what I have to gain by doing so except one thing… to get myself and the kids closer home, to my family. That, to me and the kids, would be a very positive change.
But at what cost to me?
Well, in practical sense, I’ll have to pay all her expenses because she doesn’t have the means to even pack a moving van.
In a tactical sense, I have to sell the idea (whatever that may be) to her and help her see that she can find work back home and create a life for herself. Probably not with me. Certainly we can’t live together at this juncture. She needs to get some professional help before we can even have a conversation about that.
I’m emotionally and mentally drained at the prospect of putting together this kind of plan. What I’d have to invest in this is incredibly demanding and I don’t know that it would be successful. I sense it’s what she wants but doesn’t want to make the decision to follow through herself. She wants me to create the possibility and she’ll step into it as if she’s an unwilling victim so that she doesn’t have to make the decision herself.
Anyway, I’m feeling very trapped and I need to make a dramatic change otherwise I’m in for more of the same and it’s going to wear me down one of these days.
You’re right - nothing will change if you don’t change it.
Now, do you want to? Truly? Financial involvement with the ex will tie you to her for an indefinite period of time. Is that what you want?
Your kids will understand if you move. If I recall, they are old enough to “get it”.
What good are you going to be if you’re not happy? And what kind of example are you going to set?
These are just questions you can ask yourself…At some point in your life, you must do what is absolutely best for you then you can welcome everyone into your much happier circle.
Of course, these are only suggestions based on previous posts and how you have successfully carried yourself through many potentially, emotionally deadly situtations before.
Good luck. There are some tough choices ahead. But tying yourself emotionally to an ex? My instinct would be to run. She will only be there until the next one comes along…(big believer in: once a cheater, always a cheater).
Yeah, at this point I view her strictly as baggage. Perhaps even an albatros around my neck. But I suppose I’m choosing to be near my kids at my own relative degree of unhapiness because without me, they’d only have her and the boyfriend for influence and though she’s a good mom in most ways, I still feel they need their father in their lives. One that’s more than just a voice on the phone. They are smart and do “get it” but they are still only 6 and 9. In short, they need me… and I need them.
BTW, just got the new job offer. I feel I should celebrate. I just can’t get all that jazzed about it. I’m optimistic but in my heart it feels like it’s just going to be more of the same unrewarding and mentally stifling crap, with the additional benefit of a commute.
First of all- it sounds as if you’re making all the right moves. Give yourself more credit. You’re doing great.
I think you’re very correct about one thing - don’t move away from your kids. They need you in their life. The will not “understand” if you move further away. Make them your first priority until they are 18.
Take advantage of any mental health resource you can - and by mental health here I mean hobby, club, church, AA meeting (joking), you get the picture. Find sympathetic adults to spend time with, spend as much time with you kids as possible, and work on setting boundries with the ex-.
Feeling exhausted al the time can mean depression. You might consider looking into that.
Is there any way you can get custody? I can see that if you could do that, things’ll be golden. However, I don’t know how much of a hurdle that might be.
If it were me, and it’s a choice between family and kids, the kids would win every day and twice on Sundays. Perhaps you can make changes centered around them - could you find a new place to live that’s closer or in the same area as them? Even if you’re still in an area you dislike, maybe changing the living arrangements would give you a little breath of fresh air for a while. If there’s unequal custody arrangements that favor their mother, could you rework them so that it’s more 50/50? Are there things in their lives that you could become more involved in, like volunteering to help out with their sports teams or chaperoning their band trips or helping out with their dance recitals or simply helping with homework a coupla nights a week? How’s your upcoming time off look and are they OK in school? Take a day off a month (or so) and do something just with them, like going to a waterpark or amusement park or a science museum or such.
Thanks Snickers. It’s all good as far as my access to them and the time we spend together. I live less than a mile away from them and see them every other day. Very involved with all their activities. Attend parent teacher conferences. Etc… It’s as 50/50 as it can be given that I’m (normally) working full time and their mother does not.
I would like to make a bid for custody but have no leg to stand on. Particularly since my intention may be interpreted as taking the kids away from their mother. I mean, I’d like to go back to Canada and she doesn’t want to because she’s not close with her remaining family and as a result feels she’s got nothing to go back to.
Looking at all these issues you’ve got going on, it doesn’t sound like you have any particular crises, just a whole bunch of chronic situations. My best advice for you would be a life-counselor - someone to bounce ideas off of, and try to figure out what’s working, what isn’t, and why. It might be that your life just needs some fine-tuning, not a major overhaul. And I would suggest that you seriously need to separate more from your wife and her problems. If it affects the kids, it’s your problem, too, but if it doesn’t, she’s a big girl - she needs to deal with her own life.
Regarding the depression idea - if anything, I would say you have situational depression - too many changes in too short a time. Give yourself some time to find your feet again - don’t expect everything to turn rosy overnight.
I don’t have any brilliant advice for you, but I just want to salute you for not just sticking around but being involved and doing what is best for your kids. That’s something a lot of people just can’t or won’t deal with, and I can tell you by experience how much that sucks. I sympathize with the career; I feel the same way about mine, and as much as I dislike my current job I have no real enthusiasm to hunt for another one which will no doubt be equally as intellectually vacuous and soul crushing. I guess I just need a kick in the ass to go try something different, but then, I don’t have anyone depending on me, so it ought to be easy, huh?
You are enabling the childrens mother to be herself. While that may be good for her, it’s not good for the kids. You may not want to run her down, but the children have to see that her behavior serves one person, herself.
Stop enabling her.
Be involved in every aspect of your children’s lives. I was the custodial dad before the law recognized there could be one, which is why my wife was able to beat any and every financial decree, the law did not recognize a deadbeat mom.
At the risk of being pitted, you really do seem to wallow in the drama, Quicksilver. The angst level in your posts about family matters is sadly out of proportion to what might be expected. Yo me, you prefer drama over results. Gawd, I hope we are in the PIT.
Decide what you want. Seek it. If it’s your kids, that’s great. Go after them like the world ends tomorrow. But for everybody’s sake, forget your abs and how you are cut. Does either of those support you children? You are a vain and insecure creature. Get over yourself. You chose to make babies, and you succeded. There are Dopers that would be jealous of that. You passed on you genes, and seeing those genes reach adulthood is your only goal.
Oh, and despite every protest, you still wish your soon to be ex was waking up with you. I suggest a professional to help you decide.
S’aright, mate. I’m not so full of my own bullshit that I can’t own up to some of what you say.
Yeah, I wish my ex was still waking up with me. She’s a pretty great person in many ways but she’s pretty fucked up in others and given the water under the bridge… well, there is just too much of it and I’d have to sleep with one eye open if that were the case. That’s no way to live. Do I wish that everything that transpired hadn’t? Hell yeah. That’s no brilliant feat of insight. Stop congratulating yourself so hard.
Getting cut, abs, etc… it’s a distraction. Yeah, there’s vanity there. Plenty of it. So what? I’m not better than anybody else. I’ve just had to overcome some pretty big hurdles to get here and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’ve never been one to boast in the past but I’ve learned to blow my own horn lightly and accept a compliment when it’s given. My feet are still on the ground, head firmly attached, not entirely up my ass.
Something I think you’re very right about is that I’ve been going through a pretty self indulgent period of feeling sorry for myself. Everybody needs time to feel sorry for themselves from time to time but I’ve held on to it too long. I’m making myself sick of myself and I don’t think I realized it until just a little while ago when I got off the phone with my best friend. He makes me see stuff that I don’t and can’t see about myself sometimes.
One last thing brownie55… call me a self involved drama queen if you want. I’ll entertain the possibility that you may be right to some degree. But unless you can show otherwise, don’t make negative implications about the kind of father I am or even think of teaching me about the responsibilities that come with fatherhood. I’m beyond reproach in that area and you certainly don’t get latitude to judge me in that capacity. Ya feel me, mate?
Quicksilver - my point was sure not to leave the kids but, rather, your ex will be a ball and chain long after your kids are 18 if you get financially involved with her. And she will continue to depend on you for stuff long after you both should have moved on. From what I understand, she moved on long ago with another and, if you’re anything like me, you can only do that to me once. You’ll never get another chance. Do you have to make long term decisions now?
I disagree with staying where you are because of the kids. That’s like staying married because of the kids. People are fools if they believe that works. Kids are pretty smart cookies!
It would certainly be easier to go back to her…comfort, etc. However, and this was my original point, if you’re miserable where you are, you will reflect that on people around you.
That is complete crap. Kids need their parents in their lives. Both of their parents, whether or not those parents are married. You can choose to be married, you can then choose to be not married. That has absolutely jack nothing to do with parenting. Do you seriously think you can just choose to “divorce” your kids and move away and they are just so smart that they’ll understand? I have seen it from several perspectives and brain-power has nothing to do with it. If there was an absolute crisis that required one parent to move away, they might be able to grasp that, and even so, they are going to feel the loss. But moving away cause you need a change of scenery? Especially if, as quicksilver has stated, he has been involved in their daily lives consistently, and especially given the young age of his kids, No, that is not like staying married because of the kids. That’s fulfilling your responsibility to your children, that’s giving your children emotional stability - the kind they can only get from a parent. And moving away from them would quite likely have longterm negative effects on them. His kids are YOUNG. Even if they were able to intellectually “understand”, what they would feel is that Dad left them. And they would quite likely at some level feel it was something they’d done. There is a huge difference in living near your children and living hours away. You lose that daily contact, that familiarity, the intimacy of a relationship. You can try to justify it all you want, but the end result is a diminishment in his relationship with his kids. He is their father. They are his children. There is no “ex” component to that.
Salem: Obviously, I need to clarify “married”. I mean staying in the same house even though you are not getting along. Certainly not when you live separately. I agree, there is no substitute for a parent.
Incidentally, I am part of a mutli part family…I’m married to dad, mom has a boyfriend and lives with him, son lives with us although we get together often and all get along.
featherlou: I think you’ve made a lot of sense. It’s not like things are as black as night for me. After all, I’m going back to work and though it’ll be more of the same “soul crushing” (thanks Stranger) mundane stuff, I’m well compensated for it and it does keep the lights on. As for the rest, cutting whatever apron stings exist bilaterally between my ex and I, well, you’re right about that too. October 18 (mark it on your calendars! ) is the court date to request and be awarded our divorce. I’m both looking forward and dreading that date because it’s both an end and new beginning to things. Perhaps it’s simplistic of me to assume that things will change on that day but I do hope that it’ll be symbolic enough to allow me to cut the last remaining strings. It’s not like I can permanently cut her out of my life though. Much as I’d like never to see or speak to her again, she’s the mother of our kids and while we’re both active and involved parents, we’ll be in one another’s lives for years to come.
So alright, it’s a situational depression. And since I can’t change the situation to the extent I’d like, I better start accepting some of these realities for what they are and figuring out how to find the happy place within these confines.
Easier said than done, of course. Some days are harder than others. But the wallowing has to stop. Gotcha.
Doesn’t seem to be enough of the good times recently. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough.
I love the fall in Canada. Just got back from Montreal where I drove up north to the Laurentians. The leaves were already changing at the higher mountain elevations and it was beautiful. Plus that crips fall snap in the air… mmmmm…
At 6 and 9–those kids are WAY too young to “get it” if Dad has to move far away.
Please don’t leave them. Since that is not an option–we need to find ways to make your situation more palatable for YOU.
Job–sounds like it sucks. Whose doesn’t? BUT is there a way you can disconnect yourself from the job? I don’t mean not doing a good job, but a detachment. I really don’t care for mine at present, but I still do a good one (that Puritan work ethic and all)–it’s just when I leave, I leave it behind me until the next work day. Helps that I am PT, and I think, female–maybe this is a gross generalization, but I’ve noticed that men tend to “own” their jobs more than women. Maybe it’s all those years of head of household and breadwinner stuff. No offense meant–it’s a great attribute, but can lead to negatives, as we see.
Ex-wife–ah, here is the sticking point, IMO. You need to divorce her, emotionally. Next time she gloms onto you for financial advice or whathaveyou–ask her if she has researched any local accountants or advisors. Maybe suggest a book on the topic. DON’T ACT AS ONE FOR HER. (I am assuming that there is some degree of financial stability there). This is a courteous way of telling her that YOU will not be the point man any longer for HER issues. She will most likely query this change–but stick to your guns. In essence, I feel she is using you–she is getting the benefits of certain aspects of marriage, without the responsiblilties etc. That’s a no-no, IMO, at this stage of things. I am trying to say that you both need to have the boundaries firmly delineated for awhile, before you can enmesh yourselves (if desired) again. The way things are now, it’s confusing and draining for BOTH of you.
The blahs–do something fun for yourself that you’ve always wanted to do, but maybe couldn’t or wouldn’t because of Wife or Kids. Sky dive? Rollerblade? go to a jazz club? Lap dance? Polka? I have no idea what your thing is–but you do. Explore it.
Hope this helps.
[Lucy Van Pelt] that’ll be 5 cents,please[/Lucy Van Pelt]
I don’t have a lot of advice since I’ve never been in a remotely similar situation. I just wanted to wish my friend **Quickie ** good luck in whatever he decides.
) is the court date to request and be awarded our divorce. I’m both looking forward and dreading that date because it’s both an end and new beginning to things. Perhaps it’s simplistic of me to assume that things will change on that day but I do hope that it’ll be symbolic enough to allow me to cut the last remaining strings. It’s not like I can permanently cut her out of my life though. Much as I’d like never to see or speak to her again, she’s the mother of our kids and while we’re both active and involved parents, we’ll be in one another’s lives for years to come.