Help me work through my reaction to a friend cheating on his wife

In My Humble Opinion
1

The context: all 4 of us are around 50, both couples have been married over 20 years, and we’ve been friends for well over 10 years, with one of those deep friendships that connects the whole families, such that everyone is close to everyone else, including the 5 kids between the two families.

The closest friendship is between my husband and the other husband (let’s call him Matt). About 3 years ago, Matt met and started to get close to a younger woman, with the knowledge of his wife (and let’s call her Rose) (the wife, that is). Sometime last year, Matt told Rose that his feelings for the younger woman had deepened into love and that their marriage was essentially over, but they’ve been outwardly carrying on and only just started to let their friends know what was going on. Matt has been confiding in close friends, including my husband, from the beginning; I only found out about two weeks ago from my husband right before we got together with Matt and Rose one evening so that they could talk to us about it as close friends.

What my husband told me was that they had had problems in their marriage for quite a while, which was a thing I knew, and that after trying to work it out they had mutually decided to end things. What we heard in that evening, however, is that Rose was blindsided by the news and has been holding things together in public while being privately devastated. Matt was full of talk about feeling like he was moving towards something, not away from something, and that he’s only human, and that they’re only opening themselves up to a very select set of friends to talk about this with.

So … yeah. Not the most original story in the world, is it? Middle-aged man finds young woman who thinks he’s just the bee’s knees and destroys his entire world and everything that he’s built up over decades for the sake of forgetting about the passage of time and his inevitable decline and death, and that might just be a clue to how I feel about all this, and that’s what I want to work through here.

I’ve been taken off guard by the strength of my emotions here: I’m absolutely furious with him. I am so angry and so disappointed. I thought he was … well. Someone worthy of my friendship, I guess is the best way of putting it. All of this just makes him look so selfish and so small. After the initial evening, where he did most of the talking and Rose didn’t have much of a chance to say anything, I got together with just her. Apparently, he told Rose that this other woman has done more to unlock the innermost doors of his heart in this short time than she had done in over 20 years together, which, excuse me while I retch. Oh, and another fun detail is that the other woman was invited to his 50th birthday party last year (she lives fairly far away, so she’s not at all part of the local social circle) and afterwards, Rose was in the kitchen cleaning up while Matt and the other lady sat outside and just talked and talked. How extremely classy.

And one thing that I find awfully confusing is that I don’t think that marriage is necessarily something that has to last a lifetime – my best friend was divorced after several years, and I completely supported that and have never thought any less of her for it (quite the contrary; her husband never deserved her, so there). But I’m judging the hell out of Matt here. I think one part of my reaction is just that I have always felt that you don’t get involved with someone else while you’re still committed to someone. if the relationship is over, that’s sad, but end it, and then you can do whatever floats your boat with whomever you like. Doing things the other way around seems like all you’re doing is causing extra pain and humiliation to your life’s partner, and that’s not okay.

I do believe that what happens in a relationship belongs to and between the two people involved and you just can’t judge that from the outside. What you can absolutely judge, though, is people’s actions, and how Matt is choosing to behave is just appalling, in my view. There are all sorts of details about their situation I’m not going into here, like how their home is tied into his job and his job is such that once this comes out, he can’t stay in this town, so either of them remaining in the house is not possible, which throws another layer of upheaval into the mix, and did he think about any of that when he got this mess started?, because that’s not my shit to deal with.

Gah! My husband says that he doesn’t want to have to choose sides between our friends, and I pointed out that he’s been listening exclusively to one friend for three years now and hasn’t spoken directly to the other friend at all, and that’s not what not choosing sides looks like. He also disagreed with me that Matt is cheating on Rose, saying that it’s only cheating if you do it secretly and if you tell your partner about it, it isn’t cheating. I had a good laugh at that and countered that if you tell your partner about it and they’re fine with it it isn’t cheating, but not if they aren’t. I don’t at all mind that he didn’t say anything to me until recently – I do firmly believe that you can keep someone else’s secret from your partner without it being some sort of betrayal – but I’m not sure that I’m thrilled that he’s seen someone’s descent into adultery at close hand without our being able to discuss it with one another.

Sorry for the wall of text! If you’ve stuck it out for the whole sad story, do you have any advice for me? How can I face Matt when I can’t even look at him right now? Should I give him an earful about what I think about him and how he’s acting here, in the interest of being open and honoring our friendship? Should I not, since he isn’t answerable to me about what he does, what with the whole being a grownup thing he’s got going on? We’ve promised them both absolute discretion, so if you lovely people could do me a solid and not mention this thread to them, that’d be awesome of you.

2

How sure are you that his version of what is going on is false, and that her’s is true? Is there any chance that she is having second thoughts on what they both agreed upon and is now shopping for sympathy?

3

Honestly, you don’t know what’s been going on in their home and in their marriage. I don’t see why it even concerns you.

Don’t tell Matt what you think of him; keep it to yourself. You don’t have to continue to be friends with Matt. Put up with him whenever and wherever necessary and get on with things.

In time, maybe you’ll mellow about it, but it’s none of your business frankly.

4

How old are the kids?

I know it’s hard not to judge Matt as he’s the one doing something obvious to wreck the marriage. But you should try to hold back to some degree. You don’t know what their marriage was like in private and for all you know, Rose shouldn’t have been blindsided. What if they never had sex and/or every conversation turned into bitter back and forth? Not making excuses as even then, as you say, the noble thing would still be to end the marriage first.

5

I disagree that it’s none of your business. You shouldn’t get too deep into the conflict but I think the breakup of ten years of family to family friendship makes it somewhat your business.

6

I sort of agree with Leaffan but I sort of don’t. It is in a sense some of your business, in that you do have to decide if you want to be frinds with Matt or not. That element IS your business and it does affect Matt.

On one hand… well, let me put it in these terms; shantih, your post is too long. You’re using more words than really needed to be used to describe the situation. That’s because you’re overthinking this and trying to Columbo out answers you’re never, ever going to get. Don’t bother trying to find the details. It’s not your circus and not your monkeys.

On the other, a person’s behavior will understandably color your impression of them and whether you want to be friends with them. That really is all you need to decide, as Leaffan says. And in time that’s your call. Now, I know what my position on this is, because I’ve lived this; if a friend of mine cheats on his wife I am done with him. I’ve no time for him. Yes, I know I probably have friends who’ve cheated on their wives and I don’t know about it, but if I do, well, sorry, pal, we ain’t going out for wings anymore. I don’t trust them. But that’s how I’ve chosen to run my life. If you feel the same way, well, know others do too. But if you choose to mellow out about it that’s fine as well, my way isn’t the only way.

7

I think you are being overly harsh, judgmental of “Matt”.

This: “…they had had problems in their marriage for quite a while, which was a thing I knew, and that after trying to work it out they had mutually decided to end things.” is the MOST telling. 1) they had had problems in their marriage for a while, 2) they tried to work it out, and 3) they had mutually agreed to end things. Very civil, very responsible, very considerate. “Matt” had also been up front about his friendship with this younger lady - he was being above board.

I think where you’re getting hung up is the timing of how this new woman comes into play. And on the surface, it appears to be the classic mid-life crisis scenario of the older man chasing after a younger woman. But I have known of too many “broken” marriages that should have been split up years before, that didn’t. And both spouses were miserable.
Even when people are not happy together, the idea of “change” is often times even scarier. So they will opt to put up with a (miserable) “known”, and not make the move to change and try for happiness.
I see this other woman as the catalyst for such a change in your husband. The fact that he stayed with his wife for 20 years, and I presume was faithful (you didn’t mention anything about a history of infidelity), says a lot about his character. That is, I don’t see him making this decision to be with the new woman as “impulse”. But, given he/they were unhappy in their marriage, this new woman was the push/incentive to actually take action to make a change. Some people need that - a security net to catch them when they make such a change. It’s not “fair” to the other spouse, but it is sometimes what is required to make that change.

Now had 1) Matt and Rose not acknowledged they had problems, 2) not tried to work them out, and 3) not mutually decided to end things, then this new woman would fit the classic mid-life crisis scenario. And you would have every right to be disappointed and pissed at Matt. But that’s not what happened.
When they mutually decided to end it, to me, that signaled the “end” of the marriage, although it may not have been formalized/on-paper. I suspect you are holding on to the “technicality” that they weren’t formally divorced before Matt decided to get serious with this new woman.

If they truly were unhappy in their marriage, and it sounds like you were aware of this, then you should be happy for both of them. Although it may “appear” scandalous, the end result is that they will split up, and move on with their lives. Hopefully to find something happier for both of them.

8

I don’t think you can or should do anything at this point. Your husband acted exactly as I would expect him to, and you should be there to listen to and comfort your female friend, but I would let it play out and not become emotionally invested in what happens. Maybe they will get back together and maybe they won’t. Who knows? But there is nothing you can do about it either way and they are both adults and need to work it out between themselves. Whether you choose to unfriend Matt is completely up to you.

9

Sorry for snipping, but this is the important part, IMO.

What would have been accomplished if you discussed it ahead of time?

It’s not your shit to deal with.

What do you hope to accomplish by giving him an earful? Do you want to continue the friendship? Do you think you can talk him out of what he is doing? If you just want to vent at him, how does that help the friendship?

I recognize that this sucks.

Regards,
Shodan

10

Sometimes the hardest(and nastiest() part of the divorce is the dividing up of the friends, because the law plays no part in it.

11

Sometimes life is all about how you frame it. No one knows if he messed up his happy home or finally found the one that makes him feel complete. Only time will tell that. But don’t be so harsh on yourself over being all judgey. He’s admitting the new girl brings out something new in him. Maybe his true colours are coming through? I don’t know that it is judgey or harsh disdain, if you just kinda don’t like the new Matt. So lighten up a little there, I think.

What kinda jerkwad has the new squeeze over to the house with wifey? When people show you who they really are, it’s your job to SEE. I think you are seeing. Don’t discount that intuition as simply cruel judgment, perhaps it’s not!

12

What kinda jerkwad has the new squeeze over to the house with wifey?" vs. “He didn’t even have the guts to introduce her to me-coward!”
It’s all in who tells the tale and who you have a tendency to listen to.

13

Whatever you end up feeling about the not-your-business relationship, it looks like you’re gunning to make it rip through your own relationship, too. All of this reads like you’re angry at your husband for whatever, but aren’t examining those feelings. If your husband remains friends with Matt (+ new woman), and you remain friends with Rose, how’s that going to work out for you and your husband?

14

Exactly right.

15

For me, the issue would be that not saying something could look like I was condoning his behavior. He’s probably feeling conflicted himself, and he’ll look to his friends for reassurance that he’s not a bad guy, he did the right thing, everything’s great. If you don’t say anything, if you act like his version is the only one, he’ll use my apparent nonchalance not as neutrality, but as active support. And I really wouldn’t want to be used as a conscience salve for someone who hurt my good friend. I wouldn’t chew him out, but I think I’d be chilly at best and if he made any attempt to jolly me up/reach out, I’d be calm and blunt: “[My friend] is really, really hurt. I’m really, really angry with you,” and then I’d leave it alone.

16

I don’t think telling shantih “It’s not your business” is helping her work through her feelings much, which was her request. I think it IS her business because this guy destroyed not only his marriage, he destroyed his friendship with her, too. I’d be so pissed. Why is the wife putting up with this humiliation?

I’d also have an affair then tell my husband. I mean, he said it’s ok as long as the partner knows, right? I’d be pissed at him, too, for keeping this from me because now I’ve been blindsided, too, and am expected to suck it up.

17

Missed the edit window and I completely forgot to make my point. :smiley: I think feeling angry right now is perfectly natural, shantih, and once you work through it a bit you’ll figure out what to do, if anything.

18

Your reaction is normal from an emotional standpoint. You just found out something horrible about Matt. But now you need to pause and get the big picture.

Yes, it is absolutely wrong that Matt is having an affair. But from what you said about his marriage, it sounds like it was on the way to being over. Rose is understandably shocked. She likely didn’t think he was serious and that it would blow over. Now that she understands that it’s all real, she’s trying to deal with everything.

Although Matt is wrong to have an affair, it would be helpful to not lump all problems on that. The affair is the outcome of their problems, not the source. Their problems meant something undesirable was likely to happen, such as an affair, divorce, unhappiness, depression, etc. Even if Matt gives up the affair today, their marriage will not magically become perfect. It sounds like they had some problems which would have needed to be worked through. Sometimes those problems don’t get fixed and the marriage ends. It sounds like that’s what’s happening here.

In an ideal world, both spouses would be able to work things out and live happily ever after. But in the real world, that’s not always the case. Sometimes people aren’t the right companions for each other to live happily together forever. Rose has plenty of time to meet someone else, and I hope she finds years of happiness with him.

19

Your wall of text is confusing. It sounds like the situation as you describe it is that Matt did tell Rose about his feelings about the younger woman and expressed his dissatisfaction about their marriage, but Rose wasn’t fine with Matt’s direction, and silently stewed even going so far as to invite the ingénue to his 50th birthday party, while she cleaned house.

It sounds like you feel an obligation to take up Rose’s sword in this battle, when she’s been somewhat content to let Matt walk all over her.

You can’t fight Rose’s battle for her. Be supportive, but I’d stay out of it WRT Matt. She’s not doing much.

20

Based only on what very little I know, I’d be suspicious that the OP may be projecting some anger at “Matt” which should perhaps more accurately be aimed at her husband. Of course, I don’t know anything about their relationship and the OP did state that she isn’t angry with this. But in my marriage - there is no way I would keep information like this about friends of ours from my wife. I’d be bringing it up probably the day I learned it. If I was asked to keep it a secret - I’d ask my wife to keep it between us - but I’d still tell her. I feel that anything someone tells me is fair game to share with my wife. I’ve even stopped people who start a sentence with "Don’t tell anyone, but . . . " to point out that I interpret “don’t tell anyone” as “I won’t tell anyone except my wife.”

If I found out my wife kept equivalent information from me, especially for years and about close friends, I’d absolutely be angry about it. And I’d feel foolish having no doubt been around this couple multiple times while apparently being one of the few not to know what was going on behind the scenes.

Note: I’m not saying the OP is wrong if she’s not angry with her husband. Just that it’s at least worth considering, since it would be an issue in my marriage.